Throwback Post - Creative Writing

Back in 2005, I started a blog on xanga. Recently I was perusing some old posts, and realized I wrote some really fresh stuff back then. From time to time, I'll re-post some things from over there on this blog.

In high school I used to write these things I called ramblings. I would write exactly what came to mind as it came to mind. They became pretty popular. My friends and classmates would always ask to read what I'd written during class. Below is an example of something I wrote a long time ago. I don't quite remember the catalyst, but there's still some truth to this in my life. This was originally posted 7/5/2005
I have deep dark secrets
That you would never believe
I have skeletons in my closet
That should never be seen
I have dreams that are crazy
And fears that are absurd
I have ridiculous expectations of myself
And it seems that nothing works out the way that it should
There was definitely a point in my life
Where there was nothing stable, consistent or good about my life
But I managed to hold it all together
I managed to keep up the happy-go-lucky appearance
People trusted me with their deepest secrets
Helping me to forget my own secrets
My own demons
My own nightmares
Giving me something else to focus on
I’m now slowly working towards a point
A place in my life
Where not only can I admit that there’s nothing
Or good about my life
But rather that I have fears I can’t explain
Demons I cannot fight
And a life that seems to have been in vain
My path – the one that I was created to follow
The one created for me by Christ –
Has been long and arduous
But I believe, because I’ve been told
And this belief gives me hope for a brighter tomorrow
That I’m here for a reason
And I feel that my desires
To change the world – to really really change the world
Are there for a reason
I want to reach a place in time
Where things are what they are
And I know how to live with that
Where I don’t have to be in control of my own destiny
Where I can let go and let God
Where I can move out of the way
So that I can be moved to be the best person I can be
So that I can make everyone proud
But most importantly
So that I can look myself in the eye when I get up
Because I don’t know how to do that right now
So where am I today
What’s the state of my mind
It’s topsy-turvy and nothing is clear
I go to sleep, I wake up
Someone asks how’s life
I respond that it’s best when I’m sleeping
What I want I can’t have
What I need no one offers
I want to be happy twice a day
I want to share that happiness with those around me
I need someone to hold my hand, hug me
And tell me that no matter what everything is going to be just fine
And then I want to walk away knowing that whether I believe that or not
Is completely irrelevant
What is relevant
Is that I live my life
Every day
Like it is my last
That I learn to appreciate the trials
The tribulations
The general heartache
And find in it a brighter day
So I have demons I can’t fight
Skeletons that should never be seen
And fears I can’t explain
But I also have health
And hope
Above all other things, I have hope
Faith, too
Faith in the unseen
The unknown
The inexplicable
Faith that God seriously has a plan for me
And that if I’m patient, he’ll reveal it to me
Faith that I’m going to find somebody who understands what makes me tick
Even when I don’t
Faith that I will be able to surround myself with people who have ambition
People who are strong
People who are deliberate in their actions
People who take a genuine concern in me
And people who, from time to time, care far more for me
Than they care about themselves
Knowing that I am doing the same thing
I have faith in these things
And while I know that these demons may haunt me forever
That these skeletons may reveal themselves
And that I may be forced to face my deepest fear in order to replace it
With one that will behoove me
I also know that there is at least one person in this whole world
Who would give their life for me
No hesitations, no conditions no regrets
And for whom I wake up every day
And who pushes me and my buttons
More than that, I know that on this earth
There existed someone who loved me before I was known
Enough to die for me
And who wants me to wake up for him every day
And I’m working on that
I really really am
I give because I feel like I will get, eventually
But I also give because I have so much
And there are those with so little
And I have a heart so big that I can’t share it with the world
And I know there has to be reason for that.


CC said...

*Officially De-Lurking*
Just came across your blog and have been reading all morning...this post drove me to delurk and actually comment.
Regarding this post: WOW!

A.Smith said...

Firstly, thanks for commenting.
Secondly, when I re-posted this, I only skimmed it. I didn't re-read it. However, since you had a strong reaction, I did just now and I agree. Wow.

I was in an interesting place in my life in the summer of '05. :)

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