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4.29.2009

Flows Like Water

When I typed the title, I thought of this Left-Eye song. It's kinda related, but not really. (She says "I flow I flow like water, like water...")



Two nights ago I was reading some of my old e-mails. I do this a lot. It's part of why I keep EVERYTHING I write. Notes from classes, random thoughts, ideas... all of it. It's an easy way to look back and see what I've come from and how I've grown (or not grown).

I'd sent myself a copy of an AIM convo I had back in '06 with my BFF (at the time) and after I read it this came out (so I wrote it down):
It's the connection. It's the feeling like I can present myself in a mess and you won't judge me, in fact, you'll help me. It's the knowing that when no one else gets it, you'll get it. It's not having to explain the stupid stuff I do or say either because you've done it or said it or because I've done it or said it before. It's the normalcy in all the chaos and the clarity in all of the nonsense. That. All of that. That's it.
My BFF and I got closer after we graduated from high school. I was surprised at the time, but it was so great to have her in my life. She got me on such a deep level and now, we don't speak as much (not really sure why) and remembering how much she understood me inspired that.

I shared it with a friend and a long discussion of what you should expect in a romantic relationship ensued. She said
what amazes me is that some people dont value it....better yet they just dont get it... meanwhile, im willing to be single forever until i find someone that does
We're on the same page about that, because I responded I don't get people who will give that sort of acceptanec up just to say they're with someone. I realize there are some people, though, who don't get how I could be ok with being single until I get exactly what I'm looking for.

Even now, my ex's words ring in my ear
Good luck finding a guy who meets all of your requirements. You want too much
I know he said that out of anger, but it's always stuck with me. I might want too much -- but that's why I'm ok being single forever...

7 comments:

Alix said...

I don't think you want too much. I think that it's important for you to find someone that gives you everything you need. Just don't expect your needs to always be the same...

You should listen to Musiq's song Someone. It puts into words exactly what I want.

A.Smith said...

@Alix -- I agree with you. I think initially I was scared I wanted to much but over time, his words ring in my ear more as a reminder that I want what I want and in this case, I'm not settling for less than that, WHATEVER not settling means.

"Just don't expect your needs to always be the same..." let me sit with that for a minute.

Off to listen to that song... :)

A Free Spirit Butterfly said...

Truly evaluate your wants, if you still hold them dear to your heart without any room for compromise, then stick to them and don't let anyone sway you one way or the other. But if you truly evaluate them and see that there are areas where you really could compromise depending on the guy and the situation then that's fine too. At different times in our lives, we want different things. I wanted a guy w/this that and the other thinking that he would rescue me from being in charge. I discovered that I just want a spiritual man w/a good heart and a decent job. Love and respect for a "woman" and for his self. Willing to communicate and knows how to manage his money. If his character shows me all of that, I'm willing to compromise on various other issues.

Your ex just may regret what he said and never had the courage to apologize.

Love, peace and blessings
China.

glennishamorgan said...

It's always great to have friends that are on the same page as you are. You don't find that often. Especially some ppl who can get you and except you even through the craziness and actually understand it...As far as what you want never settle for less.

A.Smith said...

@A Free Spirit -- I agree with you that I should be aware I won't always want the same things, and honestly about the only thing I'm adamant about is having someone who accepts me just like I am. Other than that, we can talk about it.

@glennisha -- AMEN to not finding friends on the same page, often. That's why I'm a little bugged by the fact that she and I don't really talk anymore. I can't tell you how much and often I reach out to her and get no response. It's the wierdest thing...

BuenaventuraAvenue said...

I can relate to drifting away from your bff. The same thing happened with my once bff and me. We were like this [holds up two fingers] for years and then I moved away. Surprisingly we stayed really close while I was gone. We would talk atleast three times a week. But when I moved back, it wasn't the same. Whereas it was effortless to be friends before, after I came back, it just wasn't as easy. We didn't have a major fallout we just stopped calling each other. At this point we've been 'not bffs' longer than we were bffs. We're still friendly with each other now. Every now and again we'll reminisce about how it used to be and we say we should get back in cahoots but it never happens...

Now to your real topic (lol, got kind of sidetracked didn't I?), I don't think you want too much because I want it, too. I think that's what everyone wants whether or not they are able to express it like you did. Furthermore, I think that if that connection you described is the foundation of the relationship, then as your needs change (as Alix and A Free Spirit mentioned) it will be easier for your partner to adapt and vice versa.

A.Smith said...

@BuenaventuraAvenue -- That's me and my former BFF as well. I still can remember our last night before we both left for college talking about how things would be different, but they weren't. We got closer. Right up until this year. I couldn't even begin to tell you what it is. When we speak, we're cordial -- we even went to dinner for my birthday, but it felt wierd which in and of itself bothered me because if I ever felt truly comfortable to say what I thought, it was when we were together.


"Furthermore, I think that if that connection you described is the foundation of the relationship, then as your needs change (as Alix and A Free Spirit mentioned) it will be easier for your partner to adapt and vice versa."

Exactly. That's how I feel. I need that to be the base of, well, all my relationships, but especially anyone I'm considering being romantically involved with. Outside of that, I'm open to changes and adaptations because frankly that's a part of life.

When my ex told me I wanted too much it was right after a conversation where it became apparent how much he failed at giving me the things In eeded at that time. Like I said, in hindsight, I didn't need or want too much, he just couldn't give it to me. At the same time, it's stuck with me because it's made me "ok" with the idea that if I do want too much, then I'm ok with whatever that means (though I get that in actuality, I don't want too much).

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