2 scenarios (one should sound awfully familiar)...

Anthony works in a pretty tight career field. That is everyone who has is job knows each other and are competitive. His ex, Karen, is amongst this group as is one of her good friends, Tamara. Anthony and Tamara have begun spending lots of time together. Anthony is interested and Tamara seems to be as well, but she has pause. After all, Karen's her girl and though she seems to have easily moved on from Anthony, Tamara doesn't want there to be any bad blood between them. One night, things between Anthony and Tamara escalate and they have sex. Afterwards, Anthony felt good about the way things were headed, but in the ensuing days and then weeks, he heard hide nor tail from Tamara. They went from communicating with each other frequently, to not talking at all. Anthony wonders if he should press the issue, because he really really likes Tamara and thought she felt the same, or keep it pushing. After all, she quit responding to him...

Kayla's known Evan for years. They've both always flirted with each other and she didn't think much of it. A few months ago, Evan pushed the envelope a little bit and seemed to be more serious about his advances than before. Kayla, not wanting things to get awkward ignored his advances until he all but laid it on the line. However, when she tried to talk to him about it, he initially dodged the issue and then outright denied that he was doing anything but harmlessly flirting. Kayla knows better, but feels like unless he's ready to be real about it, it's not her problem...

The question for both of these situations/scenarios is, is "fighting" worth it.

I'm Kayla (no duh, right?) and my friend is Anthony. We both seem to agree that relationships take work and sometimes require a little more effort..."fighting" However, he tells me I'm not a fighter because I don't see the point in belaboring an issue on the front end. If we're a few months into something and we hit a rough patch (as all relationships do), I'm ready to hike up my pants and get to work and I hope my s/o is too. However, I'm not fighting you to be in a relationship with me. Not on the front end. If you can't put forth the effort in the beginning of the relationship, then I can already tell what it's gonna be like when we hit that rough patch.

Anthony, on the other hand, sees glory in fighting from the beginning. Putting in that work on the front end, it seems, validates the relationship in his eyes. Proves that he's "down to ride" (as it were). After all, if you're the type to hit the ground running, then I guess it's safe to assume that whatever rough patches we might hit will be nothing with you on board.

What say you... are you only a fighter if you're willing to fight from the very beginning, or is there merit in waiting for a reason?


Jara said...

Interesting question...

I consider a person a fighter if they're willing to work through the rough patches with someone. Of course, the person has to be worth the fight, though. How do I know that the person is worth the fight unless I know him well? In other words, we have to have built a foundation of "worth the fight" first. Otherwise, I'm out of the door. It also depends on what the "fights" are about...

Like "Kayla", I'm not gonna fight someone to be with me in the relationship. I'm not gonna fight over you with someone else who's supposedly not in our relationship. Those are losing battles to me, because even if I "win", I still lose. Because I'm stuck with the loser "prize".

But if the first two conditions are satisfied - my partner's worth it and he's fighting for the r'ship with me - I will fight for a relationship. Hard. And I will win.

I'm single so obviously the first condition hasn't been satisfied. lol

I've experienced men running little "tests" in the beginning to see what type of woman (or "fighter") I am...

See if these sound familiar:

1. Playing games on the phone.
2. Mentioning other women are flirting with them.
3. Openly criticizing/disliking something about me.

And so on...

All of these little tests have a purpose in a man's mind. They are done during the feeling out phase BEFORE the relationship starts. He needs to know how you will react to certain things before he commits. How we react to these tests tells him what type of fighter we are, how far we're willing to let him go before we end the r'ship/acquaintanceship, whether the r'ship means more to us than our dignity, etc.

"Kayla", you really have me thinking over here...

A.Smith said...

Jara - :) Anytime I can get someone thinking, I'm on it. I'll tell you what is a quick way to piss me off and that's testing me. I think we all test new people, but there comes a point where that's not necessary. Some people get a kick out of watching you jump through hoops and I DON'T do hoops. Well, not the excessive and unrealistic kind.

I've recently been "hipped" to just how much men pay attention to what you do in the beginning as a judge/test of what you'll do later and they make a LOT of decisions/assumptions in those early days. I also see it as searching for boundaries... "how much b.s.can I get away with" type stuff. I shan't with that either.

But if the first two conditions are satisfied - my partner's worth it and he's fighting for the r'ship with me - I will fight for a relationship. Hard. And I will win.

You put into a few words what I was having a hard time explaining to my friend when we had this conversation. Give me something to fight for and I'll fight, but fighting for something that could be, but isn't? Not this one.

Now you've given ME something to think about.

Kit (Keep It Trill) said...

In my personal life, I hate it when problem-solving escalates into non-productive arguing.

"You left the kitchen a mess. Please go clean it up."

"I will, when I get to it! Why you always gotta be bothering me?!"

"Because if I don't mention it, it won't get done."

"Leave me alone!"

Just had that one 10 minutes ago with my son, and he wasn't doing a damn thing before I asked him. He then did a half ass job and had the verbal drama when I asked him to finish it. All of that could have avoided if either 1) I did it (eff that), or 2) he had simply said "okay, give me a few minutes." But nooo, he and folks like this intentionally make it hard on you so you won't ask.

Some folks refuse to pull their own weight, then act you're the bitch for demanding they do. Applies not only in parenting an entitled brat who refuses to grow up, but to work, dating, marriages, that neighbor with too loud music or who leaves trash in their yard, and on an international level. It's a pain in the azz. Whew! I needed to vent.

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