Loss

Last night, I got the bright idea to go to McDonalds and get 2 apple pies. I wanted something sweet and McDonald's is close.

For some reason, I decided to go to one other than the one I usually go to. I don't know why -- I just did.

About 2 blocks from my home, a kid ran from the alley into the path of my car. I couldn't stop. The force of my car threw him up onto my hood and his head shattered my windshield.

I was horrified. I was sure I had killed him. The smack of his body hitting my hood, the crack of the windshield and the thud of his body hitting the pavement was too much. I screamed in terror.

I threw the car in park and got out. By then he had rolled over. His eyes were as big as saucers. He was just as scared as I was. He got up and limped away. I screamed out to ask if he was ok and to tell him to sit down.

Everything after was a whirlwind. The police came, an ambulance came. The boy's parents came. So did onlookers. Many of whom told me that the 18 yr old was mentally challenged (a fact that became obvious to me very quickly) and that his mom didn't do a good job of watching him. "Stuff like this always happens with him." He was issued a $25 ticket and I overheard his irate mother say she wanted him put in a home. I prayed pretty hard for that boy.

When I got home, I found out my insurance -- which I pay, but has been kept up by my mother -- is only liability insurance and will not cover my shattered windshield. For someone who's planning a move soon and who doesn't get paid much as it is, this was a major blow.

But after today, I'm almost pissed at myself for being so upset over something so trivial...

This afternoon, my mother called me. I could tell she had been crying. My uncle passed away in his sleep last night.

My mother is the youngest of 14. 7 boys, 7 girls. I love all my aunts and uncles. This uncle has always been a part of my life because he's always lived with my mom and I. I broke down at my desk crying. I felt for my mom who has lost another brother in the last 4 years and I felt horrible for his kids. My family is grieving.

Yesterday, I read that a girl at my high school's alma mater was killed in a car accident. I remember when I was in high school getting there one day in the spring of my sophomore year and feeling something odd in the air. As I approached the quad, an area usually full of life and excitement, I saw groups of students huddled up. Some were crying. I quickly found out that a fellow student had died in a car accident the night before.

2 years later I had the same experience. This time, though, I knew what I was facing before I got to campus and as soon as my front tires hit the pavement of the long driveway down into my school's campus, I could feel the sadness. Like the campus itself was sad, not just the people in it. The further in I drove, the heavier it got. The night before, one of my friends had killed himself. I've told that story on this blog before.

All these stories share loss as a theme. I'm realizing that I'm really no better at dealing with it now than I was at 17 when my friend killed himself. I don't know if you ever get good at losing. Maybe what you get better at is cherishing things while you have it. I hope so, anyway. I really do...