This Destiny's Child album (The Writings on the Wall) came out in 1999... just so everyone can feel as old as I do, because I STILL love this joint. I found an obnoxious one with the lyrics for kicks.

Anyway, YAY for me doing 2 posts in one day.

What actually inspired this is thinking about the Chris Brown/Rhianna situation. I'm going to follow the lead of a lot of my fellow bloggers and refrain from commenting on it. It's obvious and no need to beat a dead horse. However, I'm starting to read what looks like the beginnings of some criticism of Rihanna for taking him back. Clearly nothing about this situation, with the exception of Chris Brown being sorry, has been validated, and in that vein, everything is very much hypothetical, so I won't speak in terms of Chrihanna, I'll talk in terms of... well.. you and me. Us regular folks.

I clearly don't advocate taking someone back after they've abused you. Neither physically nor emotionally, neither sexually nor financially (yes, financial abuse is possible). No sort of abuse is ok or excusable and without the appropriate help, no one should take someone back if they have abused them.

But I speak from a personal standpoint when I say I completely understand why someone might. It's easy to believe that the other person will be different this time, that they are sorry (and I'd even go so far as to say most times they probably are, in that moment) and that they will change. I did it time and time again. I was never physically abused, but I was emotionally and I didn't even understand what was going on at first. I always thought he would change. I always thought that **this** time he understood what I was saying when I said "when you do [insert issue] it hurts my feelings..." I was wrong and it took awhile for me to really understand myself what was happening.

I say all that to say that in a situation where someone returns to an abuser, it's easy to be critical. It's easy to stand on the other side of the situation and see all the warning signs. We all do it, I've done it, even with my own history, and when children are involved, I have NO patience and CAN'T understand. However, I think it does the other person a greater service to try be patient with them. We all understand that when a person's life is in danger patience isn't an option, but I can tell you that yelling at them and telling them what an idiot they are for going back without just taking a moment to look at it from the other side doesn't do anyone a favor.


ShantaeMarlinda said...

I agree with you a hundred percent. It's so easy for someone on the outside of the glass house to thrown stones based on what's seen as opposed to what's really going on in there. Without knowing the hows, whos, whats and whens you're opinion holds no relevance. Basically that's all it is, a premature opinion.

As for cases of abuse in any and every aspect, the terms of whether or not one should forgive and or accept the abuser back in their life is pending entirely on the situation. Speaking from experience, I can admit that I'be been the victim of emotional abuse and despite the signs to avoid walking down that road again I took a chance. So far, the individual is sincere in their apologies and efforts to make their wrongs right. On the flip side, I've had other's who merely continued and magnified their abuse. There are so many factors to consider. I'm rambling lol

Excellent post, btw. Thoroughly enjoyed the read.

Anonymous said...

I The Writings On The Wall is a Classic. I still bust that cd out every once in a while. You know what it's easy for others to say a person should leave or even for the person to say it but, it's easier said than done. I was in an abusive relationship before and like a fool I stayed. Actually did the break up to make up thing for a very long time. You really have to be healthy mentally and in a good place with yourself to be able to leave those types of situations.

A.Smith said...

Shantae- I agree with you, no matter how severe, the ultimate decision lies with the individual and as friends and relatives we should and do want what's best for them, but we should also want them to make their own decisions. They're the ones who have to deal with the consequences... not us.

Glennisha- It's always easier to see what needs to be done when it's not you having to deal with it. Absolutely. And I couldn't agree with you more when you say "You really have to be healthy mentally and in a good place with yourself to be able to leave those types of situations." AMEN GIRL! It took me so long to get out of mine because I just wasn't mentally or emotionally where I needed to be to understand that whatever "hurt" would result from walking away was worth not hurting like I was hurting.

Tamara said...

I agree, well said.

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