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3.20.2009

So I Was Thinking Today....



Go with me for a second...

One of my major weak points is expressing myself about myself to people who's opinions of me matter to me. So basically all the important people. It's hard for me to be vulnerable to them because it opens me up to criticism and rejection and we have discussed my issues with criticism and rejection.

So all that's fine and well (of course it's not fine and well) but I reach these points of near breakdown (ok, not breakdown) where I need some space. I need to be by myself and work through whatever is going on. My friends heap a lot on me and I don't have too many people I can release my issues on. The reason is, so much of what my friends tell me is in confidence and I don't want to betray that (I'm no saint, but let's be real here) and I take my friends problems as my own. When they're down I'm down (see my Top 25).

I've been told over the years that I needed to learn to take time for myself. Mentally, I get that. I know that sometimes I need to say to my friends "Look. I love you, and I want to be here for you, but right now I need a break..." and other times I just need to feel free to say to them "Hey, you're making dumb ass decisions and I don't want to talk to you about it until you're ready to 'keep it real..'

I know I'm not making a whole lot of sense with this post. My mind is all over the place. I need a break from life for a second to just hit the reset button. I need some time for me to do what I want with people I love and come back to this whole thing ready to get it in...

I'm going to try this again tomorrow...

4 comments:

Dafonzarelli said...

A.SMith

Thats kind of Oxymoronic, Earlier this week you said you are very selective when it comes to friends.

Is not the instance of disclosure part of that selection process?

Are you afraid of the truth?

A.Smith said...

Am I afraid of the truth? Hmm... sometimes. I think we're all afraid of it sometimes. My real problem is that on some levels I'd rather just know the truth without having to verbalize it. It's dumb, but a problem.

As for my friends. I am very selective. Everyone doesn't make it into the inner-circle. However, those that do find a really good friend in me and feel like they can open up. I like for people around me to feel like they can and should be honest about who they are and what they're about, with me. At the same time, people, all of us, have some serious secrets and things we hold inside and I find that my personality draws those secrets out of people. They feel comfortable confiding in me and those things can be heavy burdens to carry around.

What I'm trying to say is that being a person of full-disclosure (rather than instant) isn't going to mark you off my list of friends.

glennishamorgan said...

"One of my major weak points is expressing myself about myself to people who's opinions of me matter to me. So basically all the important people. It's hard for me to be vulnerable to them because it opens me up to criticism and rejection and we have discussed my issues with criticism and rejection."

Me 2. A friend of mine were talking about how I so easily share with people I don't know and on my blog but, yet I hold back with people I am close with.

A.Smith said...

Glennisha- I'm tellin' you, it's that judgemental thing. It's the people closest to us who judge us the harshest, sometimes rightfully so, but sometimes you just don't want all that.

"One shot to your heart without breaking your skin, no one has the power to hurt you like your kin..." India.Arie was on.point. with that.

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