It's Like This; It's Not Like That

Have you ever known someone who sees the world one way and never moves from that view. They want something and they want it this way and so they won't rest until they have it?

Like the girl who's been hanging out with a guy for a while and she wants this to turn into something serious even though he's repeated time and time again "I'm not interested in a relationship..." Or the guy who thinks if he just waits, his hoodrat girl will one day turn out to be Miss America. These people who can't see a situation for exactly what it is.

I had two seperate conversations with two different people about individuals in their lives who essentially represented this. And in both scenarios, my opinion was that the only real option was to back out.

Take the girl who think she can wait long enough for ol' dude to change his mind and get into a real relationship.

I'ma tell you like my grandfather told my mother, and like she told me: "I can show you better than I can tell you..." I say you're LUCKY if you can find someone who will admit they're only in this for whatever temporary gratification they can get out of it. Most times people say what they think they have to in order for you to agree to it. If you're telling someone the honest truth, whatever that is, then you have to keep it pushing. Otherwise, you'll wake up one day in a pit of drama you don't need and were trying to avoid.

People who can't see the forest for the trees on the regular have their own issues that they need to work out. You can explain it to 'em in every way you know, but one thing is true: "People hear the truth when they're ready for it, and only when they're ready for it..."

Brain vs Heart: Two sides of the same coin

Thoughts of a Southern Gal over at "One Good Reason for Doing the Right Thing Today, is Tomorrow." just put up a post asking how to deal with matters of the heart.

Our mind and our heart... what we want vs. what we need. An age old issue, especially in the realm of life and love. That internal struggle, I think, is a universal one and definitely the hardest. How do we balance our emotions with being realistic and practical.

You love someone and you know they're bad for you in every way. How do you deal with that?

One thing's for sure, no one way is any more correct than another. I finally learned what was good for me. In a past post, I said

And I do miss the good times, but having been through so many bad times, I realize this was inevitable and I'm proud of myself for finally saying enough is enough. I'm okay with missing it. I'm okay with wishing I had it back.

I came to a point in my situation where I decided I had to accept what was happening. I also had to accept that I had done all I could do and that if I tried to do anything else I was putting my own emotional well-being at an even greater risk. In short, I realized I needed to do what was best for me. But in doing what was best for me, I had to muddle around in my feelings and I also realized that ignoring being upset, being sad, missing him and the good times, hating the situation, etc... wasn't working. Not only was it an immature way to deal with those feelings but it was completely stopping me from moving on.

A guy I know, raps in one of his songs, "looking back on the past will keep me at a stand still and that's exactly why the rearview is smaller than the windshield." A very on-point thought, but I can't help but ponder that when you're driving, there's a point where things aren't in your windshield's view, nor in your rearview mirror. They're right beside you. It's the present. It's the here and now. And unless you deal with today, today, you'll be dealing with it in your windshield forever.

But once you've accepted it. Accepted that it happened, accepted how you feel about that and moved on -- then let it be in the rearview mirror. Let it be the past. We learn from the past and it's good to review sometimes, but you can't dwell on what you can't change and we all know that the past is absolutely something we can't change.

One more thing...

I firmly believe that we go through things for a reason and I also believe that life tests us before it teaches the lesson. So if you don't learn your lesson the first time, you'll keep finding yourself in the same situations over and over. So deal with the present today so that you don't have to dwell on the past, tomorrow.

Risk

I've been talking to a lot of people about risk.

Risk is absolutely scary. That's just an inherent part to it. You don't know the outcome, can't know the end result... risk is scary.

But we've all heard the adage: "The greatest risk yields the greatest result..." the trick is risking things responsibly. Take the stock market. Go all in on any one stock and you could reap greatly or lose greatly and so smart players put a little here and a little there to try to even out the risk and make it manageable.

But the funny thing about life is that it's not in the business of risk management. And so, when various friends have been faced with a big decision. A big risk, I've encouraged them all to take it.

Ranging from quitting school, to quitting a (well-paying) job. I've encouraged it. I've always said "I know it's easy for me to tell you to quit, because I don't have to deal with the end result, but I believe what I'm saying."

Life is too short to be unhappy doing something you hate doing, or are unsure about because it's what you're "supposed" to do. Why waste time you could be using to be your best and "life your best life" (as Oprah would say)?

No. It's not easy to take a risk. Especially not a risk that could backfire on you faster than an old Chevy. But if it can yield some great results, if it can put you closer to your ideal life, if it can enhance who you are in any way, then isn't it worth it?

Affirmation

...just a thought that ran across my mind...


I think, without a doubt, that one of the best things you can do for another person is be encouraging whenever possible. Even when they don't want to hear it, be encouraging. In fact, it's when a person doesn't want to hear it that they need it the most.

Vent

I have got to get this off my chest or I'm going to have a problem.

Here's the backstory:

About 2-3 wks ago I had a little issue with my living situation. Actually, I was put out. But it really was ok, I had somewhere to go and a long-term plan, so everything was fine. BUT, I had been through a whole lot so I was still a little down about how everything had played out with the lady who put me out. To top everything off, my infamous ex called me. His message said something like "I just wanted to call and catch up with you, since we haven't talked in a while."

Now let me add this: the reason we haven't talked in a while (and I've outlined this before) is because his boyfriend (yes, his boyfriend) didn't want him talking to me and I refused to talk to him if he had to sneak around to do it. Now, of course, it should be said that my ex is the KING of acting like things are ok when they're not, avoiding the white elephant in the room and flat out lying about things to make situations easier for him. SO, while all of that is true, he wanted to act like we hadn't talked because we'd both just been busy. Whatever. I can support that delusion. It's not that serious.

I'm not stupid. I'm not stupid, and I know him. I'm not stupid, I know him and I'm a student of people. He called me on a Friday night. We haven't spoken on a Friday night since we were together. Why? Because we both now have lives that are completely independent and irrespective of each other, not to mention that most people in relationships spend Friday nights with that special someone... so if he was calling me on a Friday night that HAD to mean him and his boyfriend were having some problems so that ol' boy wasn't around, which made me skeptical to call back... cause your ex calling when they have problems with the new relationship is NEVER good.

But curiousity killed the cat, and so the next day I did break down and call him back. And, just as I had suspected he and his boyfriend were having major issues and it seemed a break-up was coming. I didn't offer any opinions, though based on what he told me was going on, I was shocked that he had put up with it for so long. The guy I knew never would've stood for that, but, it did serve as a great reminder that the two of us have grown up a lot since "then."

I digress...

I told him about my situation, we talked about his and then 15-20 mins later the conversation was over, and of course he offered to call me back and of course (which is why I agreed) he didn't. A week after the fact, he sent me a text asking if everything in my world had gotten better. I figured that since he didn't call me back him and the b/f had gotten back together so I told thim that my world had gotten much better just as I was sure his had as well and he responded in agreeance.

Then, two nights ago, he called me and left a message saying that he was calling to check up on me since the last time we talked I "didn't sound so good..."

Umm... WHAT?

I automatically know that a)this is bullshit and b)he really just wants to talk to me, which is fine, but please, don't talk to me like I'm stupid.

I call him back, but we don't talk.

Then last night he calls me again. He can't talk, again, but he just wants to know if I'm ok.

Back in the day, my ex prided himself on being able to tell when something was bothering me but I wasn't being honest about it, and most times he was right on the money. But like I said -- we've changed. And I've been happier in the last 12 months than I have in the last 24 - 36.... so for him to fall right back into that "place" with me... saying "are you really?" in response to my "I'm ok..." pissed me off.

How dare he, I thought, call me a year later acting like he really gives a shit about me and my life.

Bottom line, it upsets me that STILL he's acting like nothing between us has changed when EVERYTHING has changed. I don't trust him, don't really like talking to him for too long, don't really care too much about his personal life... and aside from all that, I'm just no longer the person he used to know and instead of coming at me, trying to get to know me again, he's coming at me like I've been waiting for him to come back. As if when he broke my heart, I pushed pause...

Dude, quit joking.

Whether this is about a romance or not... him in my life would be a MAJOR step, and I've thought long and hard about how I would handle this time if it ever came (and, it may not yet be here) and I decided that if he tried to come back in a way that acknowledged that this means starting over, I could be receptive... but I see he's going to need one of my infamous "too frank for public consumption" talks. One where I say "Look. I don't know you, you don't know me and there is no way I'm going any further than where we are right now until you acknowledge that..."
I haven't said that yet because I keep hoping that either he'll go away again or he'll realize it on his own, but I'm remembering, now, one of the many reasons our relationship had to end. He took my loyalty for granted, and even now -- even when he knows that he's hurt me over and over and lied again and again, he still thinks the same ol' A.Smith will be right here waiting...

That chick had to take a nap for a little while, so she ain't available, right now...