Needy

We're all in need of something, from time to time. Especially with regards to human contact. We need to be loved, need to know we're loved; need to feel wanted, need to know we're wanted, etc...

It's ok to need and to express that need.

But when does being in need become being needy?

This morning, I checked my facebook, as I do regularly, and a friend of mine who recently left the DC area had a status that said she was missing her DC friends/life. There were 5 comments and 3 comments echoed the 1st comment which was, essentially, "What about us?"

Cue Total...

She didn't say that she didn't miss her TN friends -- she was just feeling nostalgic about where she's spent the last 3 years of her life.

I mean, that's like me talking about how much I miss undergrad (and I do) and someone from high school saying "what about high school??" I mean, really? I just did undergrad -- makes more sense that that's what I miss.

It's that need to be acknowledged in the most random of places that I can't deal with. Seriously -- do you not have friends you can call up and talk to and be reassured that someone out there loves you? And can you not do that without being so painfully needy?

Why do people do that? What's with the constant need to be acknowledged? I wouldn't be surprised if I called my friend right now and she told me those people she hasn't spoken to in months, which means they probably haven't thought enough about her to call (nor she, them). But because they weren't acknowledged, they had to make a stink about it.

My patience for the needy is and always has been low. I give and give, but you need to calm down. I'll give you what I got when I got it. Make sense?

Fighting

2 scenarios (one should sound awfully familiar)...

Anthony works in a pretty tight career field. That is everyone who has is job knows each other and are competitive. His ex, Karen, is amongst this group as is one of her good friends, Tamara. Anthony and Tamara have begun spending lots of time together. Anthony is interested and Tamara seems to be as well, but she has pause. After all, Karen's her girl and though she seems to have easily moved on from Anthony, Tamara doesn't want there to be any bad blood between them. One night, things between Anthony and Tamara escalate and they have sex. Afterwards, Anthony felt good about the way things were headed, but in the ensuing days and then weeks, he heard hide nor tail from Tamara. They went from communicating with each other frequently, to not talking at all. Anthony wonders if he should press the issue, because he really really likes Tamara and thought she felt the same, or keep it pushing. After all, she quit responding to him...

Kayla's known Evan for years. They've both always flirted with each other and she didn't think much of it. A few months ago, Evan pushed the envelope a little bit and seemed to be more serious about his advances than before. Kayla, not wanting things to get awkward ignored his advances until he all but laid it on the line. However, when she tried to talk to him about it, he initially dodged the issue and then outright denied that he was doing anything but harmlessly flirting. Kayla knows better, but feels like unless he's ready to be real about it, it's not her problem...

The question for both of these situations/scenarios is, is "fighting" worth it.

I'm Kayla (no duh, right?) and my friend is Anthony. We both seem to agree that relationships take work and sometimes require a little more effort..."fighting" However, he tells me I'm not a fighter because I don't see the point in belaboring an issue on the front end. If we're a few months into something and we hit a rough patch (as all relationships do), I'm ready to hike up my pants and get to work and I hope my s/o is too. However, I'm not fighting you to be in a relationship with me. Not on the front end. If you can't put forth the effort in the beginning of the relationship, then I can already tell what it's gonna be like when we hit that rough patch.

Anthony, on the other hand, sees glory in fighting from the beginning. Putting in that work on the front end, it seems, validates the relationship in his eyes. Proves that he's "down to ride" (as it were). After all, if you're the type to hit the ground running, then I guess it's safe to assume that whatever rough patches we might hit will be nothing with you on board.

What say you... are you only a fighter if you're willing to fight from the very beginning, or is there merit in waiting for a reason?

Top 30 Under 30

If you live/work/play in the DMV area, see below and mark your calendars...






For Immediate Release Contact: Corey Ponder 202-642-4287
March 20, 2010 info@capitalcause.com

**Press Release**
Inaugural Reception Will Honor 30 Young Professionals in DC Area
Reception brings accomplished professionals, networking opportunities, and civic engagement under one roof for attendees
Washington, D.C. — Capital Cause in conjunction with the NMC Consulting Group will hold a reception honoring the Top 30 Under 30 Young Professionals in the Washington DC Metropolitan Area on Wednesday, March 31, 2010.
The event, which will include live jazz music by The Marcus Mitchell Project and Art by J Stacy Utley, will honor 29 young professionals within the Washington, DC Metropolitan area who have excelled in the areas of business, government, politics, education and the arts and were recognized by WKYS as a Top 30 Under 30. Capital Cause and the NMC Consulting Group will also announce the 30th honoree, who will be selected by their peers, from a pool of more than 30 nominations throughout the region.
The reception will include remarks by elected officials, business and community leaders, Jamal Simmons, CNN Correspondent and will include a resolution from the Council of the District of Columbia and a proclamation from the Mayor of the City of Alexandria honoring their awardees.
What: Capital Cause and NMC Consulting Group Present Top 30 Under 30 Reception
Who: Top 30 Under 30 Honorees:
Honorees include: Washington Redskins’s Devin Thomas; Mike Winans, Jr.; Natalie M. Cofield; Harold B. Pettigrew, Jr.; “Coach K” Amleset G. Kidane; Shawn Hay; Shayna Yvonne Rudd; Ryan Richmond; Pharoh Martin; William Lance Blake; Stephen Conti; Fred Howze III; Kimberly Smith; Courtney Maria Savoy; Avery Leake’ Lawrence Elliott Ball; Vallyn Lea Smith; Anthony Dale; Ryan J. Davis; Dontae Cunningham; Kimberly N. Wilson; Anthony Ajayi; Frank A. Bryant; Renaldo A. Chapman; Victoria “Shaqwana” Davis; Mahogany Woodland; Shanel Thomas; Marcus Mitchell.

Jamal Simmons, CNN Correspondent (confirmed)
Elected Officials
Business & Community Leaders
Where: Midtown Lofts, 1219 Connecticut Avenue, NW, WDC, 20009
When: March 31, 2010 – 6:30pm to 9:30pm
To RSVP: To purchase tickets or for more information regarding the event, please visit
www.capitalcause.com, or call/email Corey Ponder at 202-642-4287 or info@capitalcause.com.
A $20 advanced ticket grants attendees access to an enticing buffet, live music, art on display, and a wealth of networking opportunities.
About Capital Cause:
Capital Cause is an organization dedicated to engaging young professionals in the giving process. Capital Cause succeeds in doing this by organizing fundraisers, learning programs and financial literacy courses. Capital Cause will also competitively award grants to young professionals who are small business owners or graduate school students.
About the NMC Consulting Group, Inc.

NMC Consulting Group, Inc. is a boutique consulting firm that specializes in business development, public affairs and program management. The organization aims to effectively support its clients by developing and enhancing economic development, entrepreneurship, and community‐related programming. For more information, please visit www.nataliecofield.com.
###

What Do You See in the Mirror?

There's no mirror like the mirror you get in a relationship. Having someone to show you all your faults on a pretty consistent basis can be pretty healthy, but definitely become annoying over time.

I've been wondering how to replicate that in our more regular and average relationships. Last night, a friend and I talked about how much we hate being taken for granted. Of course, this topic isn't new for us as I've talked about it before. We started talking about how people can be so selfish and never think about us, while we're spending a lot of time being concerned about them and their feelings.

I asked him a question that I still don't have an answer for, what are we going to do about it? He was silent for a moment, and then he said,

I don't know. It feels like there's nothing we can do. We can't control these people.

No, we can't. But we can control how what they do effects us.

There was silence on this end, so I quickly followed up,

I know that's easier said than done...

He cut me off-

You're damn right that's easier said than done! You made it sound like it's like making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Just go make the sandwich and you'll be aight...

I laughed and we kept talking.

Eventually I mentioned that I wished I could treat some of the people in my life the way they treat me. I told him I couldn't because these people would probably stop being my friend. "the thing about it is, I explained, "they would swear that's not what they do. They wouldn't even see it. I would show them their reflection in the mirror and they would deny the accuracy."

I've been in situations where a friend will reach out to me in some way -- perhaps make a leading statement that I know is them fishing for sympathy. I'll play the game, give the sympathy... and then later, just to see what they'll do, I'll also make a similar, if not the same, leading and searching statement. Consistently, I'm surprised at how they DON'T respond in kind. ::shrug:: I don't get folks...

We never came to a satisfactory conclusion on how you show people what they do to you. Maybe you guys got something...

Mind Your Words

Over the last few days I've done a lot of re-reading on my Myers-Briggs Personality type, as well as a friend of mine's. We are exact opposites. I'm ESFP and she's INTJ (makes remembering our types easy, though).

One thing that I've read consistently in all the ESFP analysis is that people with personalities like mine can often take criticism too personally. I've discussed here and here, for example how bad I know I am with criticism. I'm not quite as bad as some of the personality explanations suggest someone who is an ESFP might be, but I think a lot of that is because I try to be cognizant of my knee-jerk reaction to criticism.

My friend's personality type, on the other hand, repeatedly mentions that people like her do well with criticism. It's true and is one thing I like and envy about her.

I'm going somewhere with this, so hold on...

Last night a friend of mine took me out to eat to celebrate my getting into grad school. On the way there we talked about eating and body image and other yucky stuff. I told her that I remember something my mom said to me once when I was younger...

I was pretty average in size until early middle school. I don't have any specific story to explain why I started gaining weight, but I was a chubby middle schooler and I've grown into an overweight adult. My mother is big into nutrition and health (she has a degree in the former). So I've gone a lot of my life dealing with her nagging me about my health habits (or lack thereof). In high school I was required to participate in an after-school activity. For 90% of us that meant a sport and for the rest, that meant a P.E. type class held 3 times each week during what would be our study hall or free period. For 8th, 9th and half of 10th I was a member of the 90% group. I fenced.

I don't know how much any of you may know about fencing, but it is NOT an easy sport to train for. Our coach (who was also my Latin teacher) was serious about us being good, so we trained hard. As a result, I started losing serious weight.

I can remember when a specific shirt I had started to fit a little better and being very proud of the weight I was losing. It felt good to have something to show for my work. I used to sit in one of my favorite chairs while watching TV and flex my calf muscle over and over, giggling at how big it was!

The best part about all of this was the compliments I recieved from people who noticed I was losing weight. At church, at school, with family -- everyone noticed! One evening I was at my Godmother's. My Godmother is the manager of an apartment building for the elderly/disabled and I practically grew up there. She noticed and so did some of the residents, that I'd lost weight.

When my mom came to pick me up, I got another compliment as we headed out of the door. In the car, my mom said what I will never forget...

"You know the reason people compliment you on losing weight is because they noticed you were overweight before."

Yes. Total record scratch moment.

My mother really isn't like that. I mean, I think about this and that's not in her character to say something like that. Not maliciously anyway. I'm old enough to be logical and think that perhaps she was trying to show me that she hadn't been making it up that I needed to lose weight. Perhaps in some weird way she thought that a compliment. But at the time, and I couldn'tve been more than 13 or 14, it hurt.

I don't know what was said after that -- but I know that 10+ years later, I remember her saying that. I took it as criticism of the utmost degree and it has stuck with me.

A few months ago a friend of mine said something to me that I know was either said without thinking or because she was frustrated at something else that was going on, but it hurt and I noticed today that I've significantly modified my behavior as a result. Nothing anyone would really notice, but I took what she said as criticism and it's sticking with me.

Anyway -- I wonder what other people's catches are. Criticism is mine -- the one type of communication I run into frequently that I have to be conscious of not overreacting to.

Some people are like that about compliments, gifts, percieved miffs, etc...

Anyone got suggestions for me?

What Happens When You Can't Help It

This update is horridly overdue.

For any number of reasons.

Including how I've been slippin on my pimpin' as of late. I need something to get me in gear -- an acceptance letter to the school I applied to 3+ months ago would do the trick. ::sigh::

So way back when, I told ya'll about the old friend who may have been interested, but was beating around the bush and dragging his feet. I ended it with a pseudo-cliff hanger because I was supposed to call him back that night.

Let me skip a lot of boring and frustrating details and hip you to the meat of the matter:

He's still dragging and beating.

When I called him, he didn't want to talk about it. He got off the phone with me promising to call me back.

At a later time we picked the conversation back up (at, I shan't lie, my nudging) and he pretended not to know exactly what I was talking about. Slowly he regained his memory. First that he sent me leading texts, then that he had wanted to talk about it (how else do you understand "the ball is in your court" to operate in such a conversation?). There was a nervous chuckle, then a sigh and he finally told me what the deal was...

"I was just kidding."

Let me remind you all of our text exchange because I know I'm not crazy...

"What's wrong with me?" he asked.

"I don't know," I told him, "but it's wierd that these girls are doing almost all the work for you, and still nothing."

"That's it! I like the chase. I want to work for the girl."
Before I could ask what brought this on, he text me again,
"My offer still stands"

"Don't you think we skipped a few steps?" I asked, hoping he was just beating this tired old joke.

"That's what the engagement's for. It's love at first sight, I can't help how I feel."

::shrug::

I wasn't upset. Really. All my guy friends told me to let him bring it back up and I didn't exactly follow their advice, and this is what happened. I know better than what I did, but my impatience got the best of me (I like knowing why people do what they do and I really wanted to pick his brain).

Anywho -- I didn't want him to think I was upset, so I continued to talk to him, but honestly -- there was nothing else to say and he surely wasn't helping with all his one-word answers. So I ended the call.

10 minutes later he text me "I feel like such an asshole. I'm really sorry Odd text, I thought, if it was a simple misunderstanding (lots of sarcasm, yes). I responded simply, "It's not a problem. I just didn't want it ever said I ignored someone."

We've exchanged a handful of texts since then. I broke the ice, because I know he was avoiding texting me thinking really was upset.

I suppose the lesson is a reaffirmation that people do what they do on their own time. You can wait on them to get ready or you can keep it pushing. I always have and even moreso now, encourage folks to do the latter. If you start waiting on people, you give them control to decide what happens in your life and when. So not a good look.