Good Morning Family

As I'm getting older, Christmas is getting to be less and less... Christmas-ish.

Mom hasn't put up any decorations in years and that's never fazed me. We buy stuff for each other all year so by the time we get to Christmas there's nothing to buy. She usually gives me cash and mentions an item or two she wants.

And now with me being back closer to home, I'm here frequently so even just the fact that I'm here is no... well... big deal.

But that doesn't change the fact that what happened between us this morning was ridiculous. This isn't what should be going on during this time of the year.

One of my favorite quotes about self is, "I'm checking for what you're not saying..." in other words, I'm big on tone of voice and body language. My mom thinks she's slick or maybe she doesn't get tone of voice and body language, but I can ALWAYS tell when she's on the verge of having an attitude. I can't get her to see what the warning signs are and over the years, I react just as strongly to the warning signs as to any actual attitude. That's what occurred this morning.

For the first time ever, my mom told me to go to hell and I responded to her by saying "you first..." It's not what she said, it's that she said it. It's that whenever we argue she's always going for the low blows. Anything to piss me off or hurt my feelings. She doesn't fight fair.

I'm not better, I'm fighting back in the same way because it's almost all I know to do and that's absurd. I have tools and techniques for how to deal with this, and with almost anyone else I employ them without a second thought. Her? Nope. No dice. She's almost the only person in the world who can get to me on that level.

I think it's all only made worse by how different we are when it comes to dealing with this. I want to talk it out. I wanna be heard. She's content to being mad and moving on. You can't talk to her when she's mad and you can't talk to her after she moves on. So basically you can't talk to her.

I remember once we got in a physical fight. A friend came and got me and later I went back home to pack some stuff to leave for the night. I expected her to ask me where I was going when she saw the bag or call me that night when I didn't come home. I don't think she even noticed when I got back. That's a lonely feeling and it's how I feel every time this happens and I need to talk about it but she won't.

What a way to wake up...


♥ CG ♥ said...

Arguments with family and close friends are definitely the worse, because as you pointed out, they cut the deepest. I'm sorry your clashes come to this, it sounds like your mom just "communicates" differently. Perhaps there's a valid reason she reacts in seeming indifference. Being able to read the signs is important, so I think you have the upper-hand in counteracting her anger from another angle. I know it's in no way easy :-(.

CareyCarey said...

There's an old school song that goes... "War, what is it good for... absolutely nothing"

Well, arguments, what are they good for... absolutely nothing. On that note, as CG said, arguments among family members ARE the worst. There's so many residue emotions that hang in the air, that leave a horrible and lasting smell... for days. Not to mention the low blow varity... ouch. Then, there's always the question... who's going to be the bigger person to patch the wounds. And in most cases, it's always the same person.

And, I can't imagine arguing with ones parent. I've part of many tussles but I don't think I've ever had an argument with my mother or father. I mean, we may have had a disagreement, but I don't think we've ever engaged in raised voices or cuss words. I don't know when that starts. I wonder if it (arguing) is a learned behavior because I never saw my parents argue... not ever.

On a side note, the following caught my eye.

"One of my favorite quotes about self is, "I'm checking for what you're not saying..." in other words, I'm big on tone of voice and body language. My mom thinks she's slick or maybe she doesn't get tone of voice and body language"

Those few words speak a thousand words. Yep, tone, pitch, cadence and body language says what a person is not saying. I'd rather a person tell me I stank than to look at me like I am a piece of slippery doo-doo, roll their eyes, and mumble a few parting words.

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