What I'm Listening To

Like I need another weekly thing to forget to do...

But I like sharing music, so here are the Top 10 songs (in no particular order) on my iPod this week:

1.

When I Go Down (Album Version) - Relient K
2.

Never Really Ever - Maysa

Thinkin Bout My Ex - Janet Jackson
4.

All The Things (Your Man Wont Do) - Joe
5.

Why R U - MAIN - Amerie
6.

Buttnaked - Adina Howard
7.

Everybody Know - Sparkz ft Muddy Watters
8.

Pride & Joy - Jon B
9.

Kissing You (Remix) - Total feat Puff Daddy (This is the remix, I prefer the original version, but both are hot)
10.

Pretty Wings (uncut) - Maxwell

Never Would Have Made It... Without Me...

"Never Would Have Made It" became the unofficial song for my clasmates and I. This song makes my friends from college and I cry. It's been a year (official on the 9th) since I graduated from college. There were times where we all thought we weren't going to make it, but we look back and we know that it was the support and the advice we gave each other that helped us make it 4 years at one of the best (and sometimes hardest, and sometimes most stressful, and sometimes stupid racist and sometimes BEAUTIFUL) universities in our country. From academics, to social, we really helped each other make it.

However, there's still something to be said for our own drive. There were plenty of people who came in with us and didn't finish with us. Either they left, or they were forced to take time off or whatever... but they started the race in our lane and didn't finish it. This isn't to suggest that they are failures, because they are not, but it is to point out that outside support and encouragement was so important but not the only thing necessary to make it. There was that little bit of "something" that we each had in ourselves. Self-motivation, self-discipline, self-encouragement, even, were things that got us through.

I once had a conversation with a friend of mine about some comments someone made to me that upset me. This is a lady that has mentored me over the years, been an ear when I was frustrated and been very encouraging to me. Once during a series of e-mail exchanges, something she said (the exact wording escapes me now) implied that my academic (and some personal) success was solely because I had gone to a private high school. The high school I attended me afforded me all kinds of amazing opportunities that I'm grateful for more and more everyday. Many of those opportunities have opened doors to put me in the position I'm in now (and was doing when we had this discussion). But so many people wanted to go to that high school and didn't get in. Many of the friends I made at that high school who graduated with me haven't achieved many of the things that people thought they would. I have to be careful how I quantify achievement. I don't want anyone to think you only define success one way, because you don't. But I talk to them and I know they're not happy with where they are when they had "so much going for them." They aren't successful on their own terms.

There's something about individuals. A certain drive, or way of seeing things that propels us forward. SOme people have it, others don't. In fact, I'm more inclined to believe that we all have it, we just don't always find ourselves in situations that will help us pull it out.

What bothered me about what this lady said to me, most, was that she discounted who I am as an individual, from the conversation. As if I never could have made it had I not lucked up on the opportunity to attend the schools that I did.

What brought this topic up for me was an assertion a friend made that she and I have our jobs because of a 3rd party. My first thought was "maybe you do, but I worked my behind off in an unpaid internship that I got by myself, to prove that I'm a good and reliable worker. I did the work, and the 3rd party noticed. Period." Too often we discount ourselves and what we bring to the table.

I assure you, you bring a heck of a lot to the table on GP. These external things, they just help you mold and straighten up what you already have, which IS a heck of a lot and never should anyone forget that. Seems like I got people trying to make me forget it, but that's gonna be a fail.

When I Go Down

I don't know if me trying to explain this would do me any good right now, so I'll just stick with posting the lyrics and the song and see where it goes.

I'll tell you flat out
It hurts so much to think of this
So from my thoughts I will exclude
The very thing that
I hate more than everything is
The way I'm powerless
To dictate my own moods

I've thrown away
So many things that could've been much more
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works

When I go down
I go down hard
And I take everything I've learned
And teach myself some disregard
When I go down
It hurts to hit the bottom
And of the things that got me there
I think, if only I had fought them

If and when I can
Clear myself of this clouded mind
I'll watch myself settle down
Into a place where
Peace can search me out and find
That I'm so ready to be found

I've thrown away
The hope I had in friendships
I've thrown away
So many things that could have been much more
I've thrown away
The secret to find an end to this
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works

Any control I thought I had just slips right through my hands
While my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me
Reprimands me
Then and there
I confess
I'll blame all this on my selfishness
Yet you love me
And that consumes me
And I'll stand up again
And do so willingly

You give me hope, and hope it gives me life
You touch my heavy heart, and when you do you make it light
As I exhale I hear your voice
And I answer you, though I hardly make a noise
And from my lips the words I choose to say
Seem pathetic, but it's fallen man's praise
Because I love you
Oh God, I love you
And life is now worth living
If only because of you
And when they say that I'm dead and gone
It won't be further from the truth

When I go down
I lift my eyes to you
I won't look very far
Cause you'll be there
With open arms
To lift me up again
To lift me up again

Conservatism and Black Folk

New Post, Other Blog: Conservatism and Black Folk

Throwback Tuesday

I just loaded this whole album on my laptop.

Tennessee is the greatest state in all of America, FYI.

Series on Monday (but it's Tuesday)

EDIT -- I meant to explainThis story is true. Happened to me, in the past. When all is said and done, it will span about 5 years. I should've explained this 8 weeks ago, but I didn't. So, now that we've cleared this up... carry on...

Somebody needs to beat me for this... I don't know where my head was yesterday

Refresh yourself like Sprite

A few days passed before we spoke again. When JD called he was very apologetic. He suggested that maybe we were moving too quickly. He admitted that the catalyst for his e-mail didn’t come from a genuine place. He just wanted to make sure I’d be around. I still wasn’t sure how I felt about us moving forward, but I figured if he could apologize and admit he was wrong, I could give him another chance.

The next few weeks were uneventful. I slipped back into the way of things with JD pretty easily. There was something about him that set me at ease. I was beginning to get close to JD’s mom who would infrequently call me to check on me. I appreciated that she appreciated me and my friendship with him. It was nice to know that someone noticed how much I gave. Though we were ok, JD was still beginning to do things that concerned me. I realized that his parents break-up played a heavy role.

JD and his father never seemed to get along. JD was always complaining about one thing or another where his father was concerned. He even seemed a little happy that his mother was going to get a divorce from his father. Then his mother told him and his younger brother that she wasn’t going to divorce their father but rather she was going to rebuild their marriage. That meant his father would come over and spend evenings with them and then eventually move back in. By the time Christmas came, JD’s father had moved back in.

Also, JD had heard back from his school. They told him they didn’t think it would be good for him to return the following semester either. They said that he would be welcomed back in the fall, but they felt it best he not return for the Spring semester. JD was devastated. It seemed like one blow after another. More and more I could feel JD relying on me for stability. It played into my hero complex and so I gave in to his needs, even when his needs were in direct contrast to my own.

More and more I was feeling like his girlfriend and I thought that maybe it wouldn’t be a bad idea to discuss where we saw our relationship going. I sent him a list of questions about how he felt about me and waited on his reply.

FYI

I mentioned this on Twitter...

Let's see how long I keep up 2 blogs. This could be a total fluke.

The Outlook

Mother's Day

15 (or so) years ago, my mother wrote a beautiful poem dedicated to her mom, on Mother's Day. Just a year or so ago, my mother told me a story...

15 years ago, my mom worked at a factory that makes snack cakes. On a whim, she made plans to go home to visit her mother. This involved taking time off from work. Her supervisor guaranteed that she could have the days off she requested.

Unexpectedly, there were some layoffs at the factory and they needed someone to fill in shifts at the last minute. My mom's supervisor rescinded her authorization to be off, and my mother had to cancel her trip home just hours before she planned to leave.

That weekend, my grandmother went to sleep and didn't wake up. Had my mom been there when she was supposed to, she would've been there when it happened.

When my mom told me this story I could only imagine how upset that must've made my mom. My mother is the youngest of 14 children, and so you can imagine what her relationship with her mother must've been like.

My mother and I have not always been close, really. I think we're learning to accept our relationship for what it is, and not always be upset with what it's not. We've also grown a lot since I moved so far away from home. I remember that story because it reminds me that my mom won't always be here. She's in EXCELLENT shape for her age (she's not old, at all, but know she could easily pass for someone 20 yrs her junior -- I hope some of that is genetic, but I'm thinking I didn't get those genes...) but there will come a point where she's not here. I have to be honest and say that for the most part, I ignore that factoid like the plague, but I know it.

This morning, I read this at Jack and Jill Politics:

Mothers are iconic in African-American culture because it ain’t easy being a black women trying to get an education (if you can), hold down a job and raise up some lil kids in this culture. The deck is stacked against black moms, statistically speaking, and yet most black people can tell you at least one story with tears in their eyes about their momma makin’ a way outta no way. Sacrificing, scrimping, saving — performing miracles on a regular basis, all too often on their own. Being the child of a black mother in America gives you a front row seat to some of the worst discrimination America has to offer a segment of her citizens. Black moms are stereotyped as lazy welfare queens yet work harder for longer for less money than most. Today is the day African-Americans come together to appreciate those whom society mostly under-appreciates.

And again, I'm reminded of why I love my mother so much and why even when she's getting on my LAST good nerve, I do my best (though I fail sometimes) to take it all in.

I lucked out with my mom -- as I'm sure a lot of you feel about yours...

Ok, I've Had It...

I really think I had a fun idea for a blog post today. This is not that blog post, unfortunately (partly because I forgot, but I forgot because of what happened to me today).

Lately I've been having a recurring motif in my conversations. Pet peeves, and the ranking of my pet peeves...

A few days ago, after 22 years of indecisiveness I've finally settled on "macaroni and cheese" as my favorite food. This afternoon, I finally settled on "not checking facts" as my #1 pet peeve.

But it's not really that simple.

I'm not the easiest person to understand. I get that. But there are some things about me that I work overtime to make very clear to the people in my "inner-circle." One of those things is that I'm always going to try my best to be supportive of decisions my friends make, even if I don't agree with it or think it's the best thing to do (unless it's something obscene like a crime, or something sure to bring death or any other obviously really BAD decision).

This afternoon, I got a text from a friend that said "Why are you doing (subject removed due to unimportance)??? That is so unlike you! Stop it!"

I have to be honest and say that my anger at this text message has a lot of moving parts, and I'm not just mad at one thing, I'm mad at a few things -- but as it relates to my pet peeve, that thing my friend was accusing me of doing wasn't what I was doing. Had she checked with me on the details first, she would've understood what was actually happening. I expect my friends to hear some third-party wayward mess about me and check with me before scolding me ESPECIALLY when it's something that's not in my nature.

My response to that text was something a lot like "you can kiss my ass..."

I got an apology text message a few minutes later where the person admitted they weren't filled in on all the details and they weren't even sure why they sent the text except that they had been told to. I didn't respond to that text message because I was still mad and the fact that they realized how wrong they were (oddly) upset me even more.

Is it that hard to hear something that seems out of line with a friend's character and check with them first? I mean isn't that logical?? Doesn't that just SEEM like the right thing to do, the easiest thing to do, the SMARTEST thing to do...

Guess not for everyone, huh? It's still a pet peeve...

I Don't Understand What You Don't Understand

Everybody does a post on interracial relationships, right? Ok. Here we go.

Belle at A Belle in Brooklyn did a flashback post today. As a relatively new reader, it was my first time reading this version of the same sad story. Here was my response:

Honestly, though. I'm tired of the whole thing. Belle, I agree with you, I don't care if individuals choose to date outside their race, I do, however, take issue with individuals who try to make it about anything other than themselves. If you have a hang up, you have a hang up and that is not the entire (enter demgraphic)'s problem. In other words, this black man clearly has a strong attraction to white and asian (I note he did NOT mention Latina women...) and instead of saying that, he wants to make it about black women, as if we're at fault. False, sir. I do not know you, thus I hold no responsibility in that. Claim your preference and take whatever comes as a result.

Further, I'm beyond trying to convince black men who think like this of the err of their ways. Quite frankly, if you don't want me, I don't want you neither. Let's skip the semantics, carry on. I've never understood why we, us black women, fight them so hard on this. They've got a problem that is theirs, so they need to work that out. I say I don't understand, but I do -- I'm reminded of the video of that black woman on Tyra's show who began crying as she spoke about how it sometimes seems like no one wants black women. We want to be wanted, that's the nature of being a woman.

I'm just ready for people to stop trying to down black women as justification for what they do. It's crap -- and that's all.

I had been thinking about doing a post on interracial dating after a conversation I had with a friend last night:

Her: So yall goin on a date for the next 5 days?
me: Uhh... are we going on a date in the next 5 days?? No. Why would we do that?
Her: Cuz I'm sure yall pass goo-goo eyes every time yall see each other! What's up with u and white boys
me: LOL. Ok, first of all, I don't do goo-goo eyes
what's up with me and white boys? Uhh... they're boys? Is this a trick question?
Her: Lol
Shut up
me: what?? ur the one asking me a crazy question. what are you really asking me
Her: What's up with yall?
Lol
me: ok then.
Her: So....?
me: i don't have an answer for that question cause there isn't anything up with me and white boys

I'm pretty consistently surprised at how fascinated people are by the fact that I do date non-black men. I date men. I'm attracted to men so I date them. This makes sense, right?

I was even more taken aback by this friend because she dates women (did everyone notice I did not say she is a lesbian? Ok -- that's important). I felt like she'd get it -- it's about who you're attracted to, and she'd go even further and say it's about being open on who you're attracted to. Now whether or not anyone agrees with that, the fact is, that's how she sees things, but she has been FASCINATED (almost to the point of criticism) by how I've dated white men. I don't get it. I wanted to respond to her "what's up with me and white boys? What's up with you and girls?" but I didn't -- that wasn't all that important.

Anywho, the point I'm trying to make is that I could go into all of the social reasons why I'm open to dating outside of my race and make some larger point about how we all need to just chill out and mind our own business, which was what I intended to do until I read Belle's post. You know, ultimately, one shouldn't have to justify why they choose to be in relationships with whomever they choose to be in relationships with. That's the individual's business and surely none of mine. No one should ever, in my opinion, justify the type or sort of people they are attracted to. Attraction in and of itself is hard to explain and thus is all the explanation necessary.

I used to be fascinated by other's fascination and now I'm a wee-bit annoyed by it. There's nothing to see here, I always want to say. I'm not interested in having some long drawn out discussion about who I'm attracted to and why because trying to explain it, to me, is like trying to justify it and I should not need to justify that.

I have found that most of the time there's a larger question they want to ask or discussion they want to have that usually goes back to how "black" I am, which is also a stupid question. I'm black. That's enough -- who I do or don't date has nothing to do with my ethnicity.

On a final note, I'll never, ever try to "justify" or "explain" why I date non-black men by placing the blame on anyone else. I date men -- period. There wasn't some wayward relationship I had with a black man that made me decide all black men were dogs and thus I'd only date white men. I take offense to people, like the guy in Belle's anecdote, who do that. If you're attracted to people outside of your race, that's fine. But we shouldn't make people feel like they have to explain it and on the flip side we shouldn't feel like an explanation has to be at the expense of a group of people, most of whom we don't even know.

You Talking to Me?

The motivation for this post comes from a couple of places.

I happened to be re-reading some old posts at A Brown Girl and saw where Alix had responded to a comment I made on "A Dilemma" Go read the post, it's thought-provoking. My comment was:

Man, this really speaks to me. I feel like this about my best friend who is male. I’m a problem in his relationships and he’s a problem in mine. To outsiders, we look like we’re supposed to be together. We know we’re not, but we truly love each other and we’re each other’s “rock…”

It’s crazy to expect anyone to just “accept” that, but it’s what would have to happen for ANY relationship to work for either one of us. *Sigh*

I’ve been in situations where my boyfriend would say something like “you need to choose…” and I would warn them that they wouldn’t like my choice and that’s all they need to hear, and I can never blame them for walking away. I know I wouldn’t be ok with competing with my significant other’s bestie all the time. It’s not fair, and yet, it’s exactly what I expect.

Alix's response:

Are you in love with your best friend though?

Having a friend that you’re that close to is only a problem if it’s made into one. When you’re in a relationship with someone, it’s your duty to make them feel safe, secure and wanted. Your partner should never feel like someone comes before them even if in reality they do…

I didn't actually see it when she responded, but when I did see it, I got to thinking...

For the record, I'm, not in love with my BFF (if you've been keeping up with "The Series" I call him "O" elsewhere in the site, I've called him "J" -- I use "O" in the series because I call the boyfriend "JD" and I don't want you guys to get confused). But, Alix makes a good point and is so right. When I'm in a relationship, it's my job to make the other person feel safe. One thing I don't think my series will really reveal is how JD was very intimidated by my BFF, and in hindsight, I didn't try to do much to make him feel better. I would always tell myself that was his problem.

The second motivation for this post, was the situation I talked about yesterday -- the one that happened to my friend, B. In relaying it to another friend we got on the topic of what you do when your BFF is cheating...

I may just be really bad at picking friends, but I don't have any friends that haven't either been cheated on, or cheated -- many of them fall in both categories. My experience shows that no matter what my relationship with a boyfriend of one of my female friends is, they will never approach me to ask if their girl is being faithful. This could be for a myriad of reasons, including they don't ever suspect it, or they are too prideful to ask, but I think it's because there's a perception about female friends that some men have that when it comes to them we won't "snitch." On the flip side, though, I've found that females who date my male friends hesitate NOT to come directly to me to find out if their boyfriend is cheating.

I've had this conversation before: You get stuck between not wanting to lie (or at least I do) and feeling a sense of duty to your friend. It took me some trial and error, but I've had enough male friends over the years to discover that my best bet is to stay out of it, at all costs. Yes he's my friend and yes I identify with the girl, but this really isn't about me, it's about them.

One situation in particular comes to mind. A male friend I've had since high school started dating a girl during the sophomore year of college. The situations with his previous two exes is VERY complicated (I may post about it some time) and really isn't worth delving into, but of course she asked him. He was vague and didn't want to answer, so she resorted to facebook. She sent me, and his two exes facebook messages wanting to know what had happened that he was so afraid to tell.

Now, the truth of the matter is, there's nothing to hide as much as what all the parties involved believe to be true may or may not be (do you see already how confusing this is?) My response message was long, but basically I wanted her to understand that her relationship with my friend, D, had nothing to do with me or his exes. I told her that knowing him as well as I did I could understand her frustration with his hesitancy to be forthcoming but I told her she either needed to walk away from the situation or accept it for what it was -- but that I would back him up on whatever he said and that this would be the last conversation we'd have about it.

Needless to say I became her enemy #1 and since then, they've had a child together who I still haven't seen in person (D sends me pics) because of that.

It gets sticky. Do you owe more loyalty to the truth or to your friend? Even since then, I've allowed my response to such situations to evolve into "If you have to ask me, then you've also probably already decided what the answer is... I suggest you talk to your man..."

B's situation with JP and MG brings to light that issue that women have. We always want to be mad at the "other woman" instead of with our boyfriends. Why is that? MG's call to B served no purpose except to confirm that B, another woman who's relationship with JP, as far as MG was concerned was, sketchy at best, actually existed. Why do we do that to ourselves and to each other?

What say the masses? How do you deal when your BFF's significant other wants you to spill the beans?

Throwback Tuesday

Funny story involving this song...

I have a friend, we'll call her CiCi, who is VERY smart (and I don't say that about many people, truly). But there's something in her brain that misfires and from time to time she can come across as an airhead.

One night, in college, I was at a table in the dining hall eating dinner with a handful of friends. CiCi happened to come in about that time and she saw us so she stopped to talk. She told us she had been out running some errands and looked at me and said "OH! I heard a THROWBACK in the car tonight."

Me: Oh really? What was it?
CiCi: It was "Candy." "Candy Rain."
Me: Was it "Candy" or "Candy Rain?" Those are two different songs.
CiCi: Oh. Yeah. "Candy Rain."

We continued with our conversation, CiCi, myself, and the group. At some point I over heard CiCi singing a song... "storms will come, this we know for sure..."

Me: Ay, is that the song you heard in the car?
CiCi: Yeah!
Me: Girl, that's not "Candy," OR "Candy Rain!" That's "Can You Stand the Rain!!"

A third friend, TB, looked at me and said "after that first exchange, I never would've thought that the song she was singing was the real song she heard!"

Let me just say I have PLENTY of stories about CiCi and the ditzy things she's said over the years. I love her.

Anyway, on to the throwback!

Soul 4 Real - Candy Rain
Uploaded by hosni9201

Um... You Have a What??

True story, happened to my friend. I heard all about it all day, today. Names have been changed and shortened not to protect the innocent (for there are none) but to expedite the telling. :)

B met JP at a restaurant one night while she was out with the girls. JP was out with his cousin DJ and two other friends, one of which B was immediately attracted to. It was JP's number she left the restaurant with, though. B and her bestie hung out with JP and DJ just once after the initial meeting. Both guys seemed really cool, but B wasn't interested in either one of them like that.

JP would randomly text B -- mostly simple things like "Hey, just checking on you..." and B would respond. Then they were speaking on the phone. Finally, they made plans to hang out. They really enjoyed each other's company. On one of their "kick-it" sessions, JP asked B if she saw a future for them. B revealed that she had a boyfriend that she was committed to and really loved and that while she found JP attractive her focus was on her relationship. JP seemed ok with that.

Shortly after that conversation, their contact fell to just phone calls and texts, then only texts. Eventually, the texts became fewer and far between until they stopped all together.

A year and a half later, B happened past JP's number in her phone and she sent him a text to say she was thinking about him. 3 days later he responded that he was glad to hear from her and that they should get up with one another some time. The spoke on the phone once, but their primary way of communicating was text messages. More often than not, B would text JP and he would respond days later.

Then one night, JP called B in a seeming panic. "I'm so sad right now. Where are you?" he asked. B told him she was away from home, out with some friends. JP told her that DJ had been shot and killed two nights previous and he was having a rough time. B rushed home and met him outside. JP came in and it was clear to B that he was drunk. She consoled him and sat with him until he seemed sober enough to drive home.

2 days later, B awoke to missed calls and text messages. All from JP. The texts said that his girlfriend wanted to speak to her and he was hoping she'd take the phone calls and tell the girlfriend the nature of their relationship. B was shocked. JP had never mentioned a girlfriend, even when she'd mentioned her boyfriend.

Unsure of what to do, she ignored the texts hoping JP would work it out on his own. A few hours later, she noticed her phone lighting and looked down. A number she didn't recognize was displayed on the phone's screen. Concerned, B didn't answer. The caller called back immediately. B ignored the call. Feeling like the number was familiar, B scrolled through her phonebook. She stumbled upon a number that was only 2 digits different from the mystery number. That number belonged to JP.

B sent JP a text that told him his girl could call her back, but to be warned that she was planning to be honest about them, including the fact that he'd never mentioned her.

MG called B shortly after. She was cordial on the phone and asked B to explain her relationship with JP. B was honest and forthright, including that had she known he had a girlfriend, he would've sent him home to her instead of letting him cry at her place. MG dropped yet another twist to the story. She wasn't JP's girlfriend, she was his fiancee and they lived together. B's mouth fell open in shock as she recalled asking JP if he lived with anyone and his emphatic response, "no."

While staying calm, MG shared that she didn't trust what B was telling her or what JP was saying but she appreciated B's time. The conversation ended and B just shook her head trying to understand what game had just been played.

Series on Monday

Get like Sprite. Refresh yourself.

Part 7

One evening, JD called to tell me he had something he wanted to talk to me about. I ended up taking an extra shift at work, so I called to tell him we'd have to talk the next day. He was a little upset, but understood. An hour later he called and asked me to check my e-mail whenever I got a chance. During a break, I found a computer and sat down to read a very long e-mail. In it, JD expressed that he wanted us to have a title that fit our relationship. He wanted me to be his girlfriend. He was willing to leave things as they were if that's what I wanted, but he wanted us to spend more time together

I didn’t know how to feel. On the one hand, he was saying a lot of the things I had secretly wanted him to say but at the same time we had so many issues already. He was needy and jealous. I wanted us to be sure that this was something we both were ready to get into before we jumped into this. I didn’t respond to the e-mail and I didn’t call him when I got off work. I needed some time to think.

The next day, JD called me while I was at lunch with my friends. I hadn’t consulted any of them about the situation. I wanted to make a decision without their influence. He asked me if I’d read the e-mail. I told him I had. He asked if I had an answer, and I told him “yes, but that’s contingent on us having a conversation.” He sounded a little put off by the response, but agreed. I told him I would call him later that evening when I had some time.

That night was a real-life shit show. I saw a side of JD that his previous behavior should have alluded to, but I was completely blindsided by. Nothing I was saying to him seemed to stick. All he seemed to hear me doing was criticizing him. I just wanted us to talk about his jealous ways and discuss how he needed to free me to be with my friends and trust that I wasn’t doing anything wrong. Some of the things he said to me made it clear that he had only asked me because he was jealous. He didn’t really want me as a girlfriend as much as he wanted to make sure I’d always be there when he did get truly ready. There was name-calling and serious shouting. I hung up with him feeling like not only were we not going to be together, but I wasn’t sure I even wanted to be his friend anymore.

Pretty Wings

When you hear a song, especially one you like, do you try to apply it to yourself?

A friend of mine and I had an argument about what this song is about. The crux of our disagreement came in when talking about how much of this song is about the singer. I said that by virtue of being about a relationship, both parties are involved, she said that the song is only about the other person and how the singer has to let them go so they can live. Last night, a thought occurred to me and I sent her a text message

When a person hears a song, they immediately try to apply it to themselves. They also try to do so from the perspective of the singer, not the one being sung to. In Maxwell's song my experience fits more from the other side and from the other side, it wasn't just about me, it was about both of us and he had to leave so I could live but also had to for himself, or at least that's how I saw it. I'm sure he saw it differently. Thus, I read the song the way I do.

She agreed with me and said that's exactly why she said the thing she said.

It's interesting to me how one situation can be read so many ways just because of experience or even your position in the situation. She's currently going through a situation very much like the one in the song. She feels like she's stepping away from it for the other person and I think my ex thought the same thing. Looking at her situation and mine, I see it as happening for both people. It may feel like you're "taking one for the team" but the fact of the matter is (at least to me), if you really love someone and they're not happy, how can you be happy? If walking away is the only way to make them happy, I know it's gotta hurt (for everyone in some cases) at first, but in the long run it's what's best and what will (hopefully) lead everyone to "happiness."

What do you think?

Flows Like Water

When I typed the title, I thought of this Left-Eye song. It's kinda related, but not really. (She says "I flow I flow like water, like water...")



Two nights ago I was reading some of my old e-mails. I do this a lot. It's part of why I keep EVERYTHING I write. Notes from classes, random thoughts, ideas... all of it. It's an easy way to look back and see what I've come from and how I've grown (or not grown).

I'd sent myself a copy of an AIM convo I had back in '06 with my BFF (at the time) and after I read it this came out (so I wrote it down):

It's the connection. It's the feeling like I can present myself in a mess and you won't judge me, in fact, you'll help me. It's the knowing that when no one else gets it, you'll get it. It's not having to explain the stupid stuff I do or say either because you've done it or said it or because I've done it or said it before. It's the normalcy in all the chaos and the clarity in all of the nonsense. That. All of that. That's it.

My BFF and I got closer after we graduated from high school. I was surprised at the time, but it was so great to have her in my life. She got me on such a deep level and now, we don't speak as much (not really sure why) and remembering how much she understood me inspired that.

I shared it with a friend and a long discussion of what you should expect in a romantic relationship ensued. She said

what amazes me is that some people dont value it....better yet they just dont get it... meanwhile, im willing to be single forever until i find someone that does

We're on the same page about that, because I responded I don't get people who will give that sort of acceptanec up just to say they're with someone. I realize there are some people, though, who don't get how I could be ok with being single until I get exactly what I'm looking for.

Even now, my ex's words ring in my ear

Good luck finding a guy who meets all of your requirements. You want too much

I know he said that out of anger, but it's always stuck with me. I might want too much -- but that's why I'm ok being single forever...

Talk To Me

LOL @ this. Man, this was the BUSINESS when it came out.

I just added a reactions option to my posts. I know sometimes I read blogs and I don't have anything to say, really, but I want to let them know I was there. Check at the bottom of every post for the option to simply click to let me know what you thought.