Here We Go Again

The past two days have been anything but "memorable in a good way." Today is the first day in 48 hours that my phone has not rung incessantly. I go from one bad relationship talk, right into another. Sunday, I was on the phone from the time I woke up around 2:45 right up until I walked into the library at 7:00. In that time frame, perhaps I spent an hour not on the phone -- but that was not 60 consecutive minutes. It was erratic. Everyone had a problem. Well, everyone except two people My mom and Sharea. The only two people who called me all day who didn't want to whine. Those were my two shortest conversations.

Yesterday was very much similar to Sunday but my phone didn't start ringing until about 7:30 and I went until about 12:45. The same stuff. One friend even called, supposedly to hear me vent my frustration, and somehow we ended up talking about him and a past ex-girlfriend. It wasn't his fault, but I was so locked up emotionally by the time I talked to him, that I just didn't even want to say what was wrong. Not a good look for the kid.

To say I'm tired is an understatement. This aforementioned friend told me I should turn my phone off sometimes. He says it's what he does when it all gets to be too much, but I've been one of those shunned by his voicemail when "it all gets to be too much" and that feeling is not a nice one. I wouldn't wish it upon anyone who really needs a shoulder to lean on. That's what friends are for, right?

I can tell you this, though. I've had a lot of people ask me how I'm doing -- and I can say that I don't think any of them really cared. Well -- perhaps one or two. Of the rest, some asked because they felt bad about dumping on me, but then proceeded to dump on me anyway. Others asked out of habit, not out of genuine concern. The final few... they asked, and perhaps they cared, but they didn't care long enough for me to vent all of it out. Not a good look for the kid. I'm pissed off and generally angry at the world. Half the time I want to scream that I don't care about anyone's relationship and I wish everyone would suck it up and walk it off. I've got papers due, exams to take and group projects. There is no time in my world for stupid conversations about relationships that I can't control. But I don't mean those things -- I feel them bubbling inside of me, but I know that's the anger. The real me does care and does want to help. But I have hobbies and playing relationship counselor has never been one of them.

I think what's pissing me off more than anything is that no matter how much I say "I'm so emotionally drained" people laugh it off and keep it moving. No one is concerned with Ashley and that's because everyone is so self-absorbed in their "oh-so important relationship" relationships that aren't that deep, not half that serious and definitely not worth the time I'm being forced to spend on them.

The irony of it all is that some of the relationships I'm having to hear people vent about are relationships that have stolen once-close friends from me, put me on the back burner in people's lives and generally caused me anguish. But a good person would never say that. Never. Bitterness: Not a good look for the kid.

I want to be there for those who want me to be there for them, but I can't keep doing it, if every evening all I have to look forward to is more complaining and more whining. I'm going to break. Won't be a good look for the kid. I've been through my fair share of emotionally taxing things. This, my dears, tops it all.

I need new friends.

Drained

I'm really tired and for the first time wouldn't mind going home. No scratch that -- for the first time, I truly want to go home. I can't take much more of people taking from me emotionally and no one ever giving back to me.

I feel like people have always seen me as emotionally stable (which is totally up for discussion) and so they never think that maybe I need an open ear. I'm not saying no one is ever concerned with me and my well being because it's not true. There are quite a few of those people... but they're not here with me right now and it would take just as much, if not more effort to try to tell them what's going on as it would to just suck it up and deal.

I also know that I reach out to people in backwards ways. I might e-mail someone something so stupid and basic just to get an e-mail back from them. Or I might call for no apparent reason... I do that to my mom especially... I think that's mostly because I miss her, but...

On some level I'm being especially irrational, but I feel I can do that right now because I'm tired -- I feel like I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders and I just want some time to myself. What's scary is that one reason I decided to live where I'm living this year is because it's on the complete other side of campus from all my friends... I couldn't imagine how much worse it would be if I lived with them. Thank God I had the opportunity to do this Leadership Lodge, and Lord only knows what I'm going to do next year... probably try to be an RA over on this side of campus.

"Gone 'Till NOvember" by Wyclef Jean just came on. IN the beginning he says he dedicates his album to all the fellas who have to "go way down south" which is cute, except he names "way down south" as like VA and Baltimore... which doesn't follow the rhetorical rule of parallelism, and most importantly is definitely NOT way down south... jeez... I hate stupid people. I'm also particularly irrational and emotional right now... we'll come back to this tomorrow.

...I'm a Toys R Us Kid

Last time I posted on my xanga, I talked about how crazy it is that my conversations with my friends are so.... well mature.... Today, I spent a large portion of my one class of the day texting one of my friends. She's pregnant and we were talking about seeing each other (hoepfully) for Baylor/McCallie and then we started talking about what she's going to name her son. Her son!! We graduated together and she's going to have a son sometime around January or February of '06. That is so crazy to me.

When I got out of class, I went to eat... wow -- amazing. Baked ham, mashed potatoes and gravy and turnip greens... that's saying a lot for my school. I digress, though. I called Sarah and I told her about my text messaging fun. I asked her "when did we stop talking about boys having cooties and go to marriage and pregnancy and naming babies?" Just crazy. When did I grow up and why didn't anyone tell me. 'Tis the things I'm grappling with now.

I stayed in this weekend. Wait. I stayed in tonight, the weekend is far far from over. Hopefully I'll get part of my Philosophy paper written.

I got in last night at around 2:30. I had a great night last night just rididng around Nashville (though we had a "task") with my friends. I won't bore you with details. I shared the night's events with Justin. He didn't seem as interested or amused by it as I definitely was. Long story short, we went to another college campus (TSU) to advertise a party and then from there drove 20 minutes outside of Nashville to sit in an abandoned Kroger parking lot to then have to follow a man to his apartment to pick up a laptop. All of this occurred at around 1:30 in the morning. This is why we go to college.

Drama, Drama, Drama

Let me say that I haven't even been here a for real week yet. I mean I've been here over a full week... but I haven't done a full week of classes yet and there is so much craziness going on.

For starters, Joey's from N.O. (New Orleans) he knows his family is in Texas but as of last night... he wasn't able to find them because of the hurricane and now we can't find him because cell phone towers are down in N.O... it's just sketch ball all the way around.

The bigger thing is that I've got a pal... who may or may not have been raped. We don't know for sure mostly because she won't tell us what the heck is going on. What we do know is that someone found her in a frat house with nothing but boxers on and she had alcohol poisoning... she was rushed to the hospital, they pumped her stomach and all is well, except for this one little thing. She hasn't slept in her room alone (well, at all) since then (and thatw as the first party of the year... before classes even started) and she refuses to go anywhere by herself, and there are other... more personal... rather sketchy things that make you sit back and say hmm...

Two of my other friends are intending to sit her down and talk to her and recommend that seh see a counselor since there is clearly some stuff that's bothering her but that she's not willing to share... which is understandable but everyone is tired of walking on eggshells around her and changing subjects because she feels uncomfortable when she won't even admit there's a problem.

Not to sound completely insensitive, but... you get 48 hours of due sympathy from me... at 48 hours, 00 minutes, 01 seconds... if you haven't even attempted to try to handle your stuff "like a grown woman" (to paraphrase one of my favorite people) then my sympathy lessens. I feel bad for her that something has happened and no one really knows what it was... but it needs to be handled because this kind of stuff doesn't go away on it's own. Trust.

Feel free to comment... you can, now... so do that.

Back For the First Time

I felt as if the title to this blog was so appropriate. Initially I was going to title it "Welcome Back" but that's so basic and such a given... so... I stole it from the title of one of Ludcris's CD's (his major label debut, I believe)..

It is good to be back. I got moved in, with little fighting with my mom (which is a lot for us) and then she and I went to eat. I came back, finished putting things away (and smacked myself for forgetting BOTH phone chargers at home) and laid around until Joey called.

Joey, me and his mom went to Burger King and to a movie. We saw The Skeleton Key. Can you say... wrong? Joey loved it, I thought it was okay and his mom thought it was kinda stupid. Maybe because it's set in New Orleans and was filmed in New Orleans... and Joey's from... N.O. there was bias, I think.

Tomorrow most people have to get up to go pack, lots of peopel will be moving in, I"m sure and I will be trying to sleep. It should be rather successful, since my phone has to be turned off at night to save the battery. Luckily, Kayla's phone charger fits mine, so I'll be in her room charging my phone semi-periodically until mine arrives in the mail.

I've had a headache for the better part of today, so I think I want to go to sleep.

Still haven't figured out why you can't post comments here... feel free to do so on my Xanga: http://www.xanga.com/blackdiamond2008

It's All Coming Down

So it's my last week... and of course now everyone wants to see me before I go. On the one hand it's cute, on the other hand it's not. On some level, I really wouldn't mind packing up and leaving without telling anyone goodbye. It's not that I'm angry, but I suck at "goodbye" and so that's just easier. It's called "Avoiding the White Elephant in the living room" I'm a master at that.

I bought a CD case that's made to hold 208 CD's.. I have two pages... that's 16 spaces... left. It's thick and heavy. I arranged everything in alphabetical order. I've since found some CD's I think I should've filed elsewhere, but there's no way I'm re-doing that whole book anytime soon. I also now have 4 empty cd Cases and an empty CD visor... guess I'll just go back to filling those up 'till I need another one to hold 200 CD's... fun times.

Went out with Jill, tonight. We ate and O'Charley's. I met some of her co-workers. I read on her livejournal that she misses hanging out with her frineds outside of work, but on some level... she's alienated us because she spends so much time at work. I'm sure she does miss it, but clearly it's not high on her list of things to rectify. She leaves on Monday.

If I could just get back to this pesky business of packing and finish it, I'd be home free. Joey will be in Nashville in 12 hours. That's crazy.

I said on my xanga that I have nothing to say... I suppose that wasn't true. I guess the more approprate phrasing would be I have nothing profound to say... hmm..

Fun Day

I finally got out of the bed at around 2:30 (I usually wake up at 12:00, but try to wait until my mom leaves for work). I showered, dressed and drove out to Northgate to pick up Lindsey. She and I ate at Arby's and went to the mall and looked around in some additional stores. We had fun. I didn't even get home until around 6:00.

I actually cooked yesterday, so I ate some of the leftovers and sat around and watched TV aimlessly until about 9:00 when Big Brother 6 came on. Joey and I watch BB6 in our respective homes and then call each other to talk about it. I'm sure that when we get back to school, we'll be watching it together every night it comes on! We're addicts. No lie. It's fun to be able to do that with a close friend, like Joey.

Ahh... 10 days until I leave. Can you believe it? Well maybe you can, but I sure can't.

~A.Smith

Playing Counselor

Well... I woke up from a nap at about a quarter 'till 6:00. My phone has been ringing like crazy, ever since.

First Coretta called. She's got boy issues.
Then Sarah called. She's got boy issues.
Then Lindsey called. She's got boy issues.

To be fair. Coretta doesn' t have serious issues, and Sarah doesn't have bad issues. Lindsey is the one I'm worried about.

I told Coretta I may consider charging people for my advice. I feel like such a relationship counselor, but why me? I have yet to figure out what it is that people look at about me that says "HEY! She'll know how to handle my relationship problems." Let me say, I'm the worst possible person, at least from my own track record. Can you say "dysfunctional?"

This has actually become the norm. Constant phone calls, new drama. Well, usually it's new drama that stems from old drama. I thought that time away from Chattanooga in new cities at new schools for most of my friends would provide that opportunity for us to appreciate each other and our memories, more. On the one hand, it has. On the other hand, it hasn't. Instead, people are trudging up situations from the past. Bringing up dead issues. Issues I thought had been packed under the heaviest rock, under the largest mountain. I was wrong.

On a more positive note, Sarah is having a great time with her boy issues. I'm so happy for her and where she is in her life, right now. It seems to be working for her... unlike how she thought it would be, initially. We all hope to find that one person.

Eh. All this relationship talk has made me very nostalgic and a bit... weak. I should go to sleep before I call someone and say something I'm going to regret later. I already sent a text message. Done enough.

~A.Smith

Continuing the Epidemic

I think that Blogspot is a great combination of all the fabulous things about livejournal, myspace, xanga and the other popular blog utilities on the internet. However, I know better than anybody that I could be saying that about something else in a few weeks... since I've been with xanga for like 2 months and have already switched. I continue to hold on to this idea that I'll keep up three blogs, but as shown in the fact that my first blog... the one I'm most proud of... hasn't been updated in forever proves that I can't show fair treatment to more than one blog. It's just not possible. I didn't say I wouldn't try, I just said it's not possible.

Jonathan and I started a new blogring on xanga last night. "Viva La Revolution: The Revolution Begins" is the name of it. If you have a xanga, check it out... if it's who you think you are, join it.

I don't have anything deep to say. I'm actually pretty tired. Once I get home, I'm crashing. I didn't go to sleep until about 3:00... I woke up at a 6:45 and never did really get back to sleep good. SO, I'm gonna go home, get comfortable, and sleep. It helps that I've put a voicemail message on my phone stating that I'm unavailable until tonight.... so I won't have to deal with phone calls until tonight, and even then I don't have to... I just can to avoid being one who falsely speaks. ;)

Aren't I the cutest thing you ever knew.

First Post

So... now I have three blogs, all hosted by different hosters. YAY!!! Confusion!!!