Turning the page

JGRunsTheCity did a post on her blog called Closing The Book on the Ex. As soon as I saw the title, I knew I had found some inspiration.

You'll recall in my last post that I said I wasn't sure what to do with The Series. I felt like continuing on with all things considered wouldn't be fair to J. His death is putting a lot of stuff front and center for me, that I have to deal with. Emotions I have to reconcile and I have no idea how to do that. That's for my counselor and I to sort out; however, I know one thing I can do.

All at once, J was the love of my life and I hated him; he'd make me smile and cry at the same time. My life was better and yet horrible when I was with him. One time, his mother and I had a long conversation where she told me that she knew in her heart that he was still alive only because of me but that she also knew I needed to get out of the cycle before it sucked the life out of me. A talk I had with one of my closest friends who probably knows more about how I honestly felt for J than anyone (even J) helped me put his life into perspective. J was on a train headed to this very point. My presence in his life delayed that train, but it didn't change it's route. Only J could make the decision to get off; he didn't. He chose to stay on and so here we are.

Even though all of that is true, through his depression and shortcomings, J was a beautiful person. He could be so sweet and caring. He told me one time all he ever wanted to do was make me laugh. He sent me a letter trying to explain his feelings about us no longer being in each others' lives. The first time I read it, I was furious with him for waiting until we got to that point -- where I really couldn't even muster the emotion to care -- to tell me how he felt. The second time I read it, months later, I was touched, but cautiously so. I hadn't read it again until recently and I've read it almost daily ever since. I think in that one letter he told me way more about what it was like to be him than our 4 years together ever could have. The back and forth; the wishing he could be better and not knowing how; secretly hoping somehow we would work out but knowing that it was probably never going to happen. And in learning all that about him, I realized we weren't all that different.

There's always going to be an ellipses at the end of our story. It will never be over because we had a lot of unfinished business. So yes, The Series will forever be this unfinished story; here on this blog and in my life. That's probably exactly how J would've wanted it. He liked keeping people guessing.

To Parent or not To Parent

You guys know what? I need to stop making promises on what my next post will be because rarely is it the right thing.

I'm trying to figure out how to end The Series -- I shouldn't leave you guys hanging, but I don't want to keep going all things considered. Maybe I will leave you hanging until I'm over it? Eh. I don't know.

Meanwhile, I do still have a post ready to go (in my head) to follow up my initial post about the Hofstra rape case; however, subsequent conversations are making me plan some serious alterations to it, so that's not what this is.

Also, I said on Twitter I was working on a post about my middle name. I was (in my head) but then I had a conversation on Twitter that gave me this:

I said (on Twitter - @ASmith86, follow me): "Also, at the risk of offending some, I think ppl who choose to have kids alone are selfish and didnt grow up in a single parent home."

Labor Day weekend, I went up to NYC to visit some friends. That didn't quiiiiiiiiittte work out the way I was expecting it to (which I may or may not expound on later), but it did give me an opportunity to spend some quality time with one friend I haven't seen in a while. One afternoon we decided to go to Central Park and on our walk there we started talking about kids. She told me about a woman she used to babysit for who has 6 month old twins and she's 52. She makes a lot of money working as a lawyer and she's well accomplished. Her children will be well provided for and probably have everything they need... except a two-parent household.

I grew up in a single parent home and I think I turned out great. However, I can tell you, the absence of my father was problematic. Now this conversation plays at the edge of "do children need a mother and father" and I have to say unequivocally that I think children need strong and consistent male and female role models, and that in a perfect utopia both of those models would be their biological parents, but I don't necessarily think that both role models need to be in the household -- even in my perfect utopia.

I don't think there's much about being a parent that looks like a one-person job. Hell, where do you think we get the saying, "it takes a village to raise a child?" A strong and consistent role model, in this capacity, is more than someone you know and admire. It's someone who can chastise you, give you advice, make major decisions that effect you. I had a lot of male models in my life, but none of them fit all those criteria.

There's also the fact that one person can only do so much. My beautiful mother could only make so many school plays and events; she could only cart me off to so many places; she could only be there so much. I don't blame her at all for whatever effects growing up sans a father had on me, because my father's absence was his choice, but I wouldn't wish that for anybody. Money is not everything, but my mom working wasn't about providing the finer things in life, it was about providing the necessities and time was sacrificed so she could do that.

My bottom line is, I understand that there are women out there who wake up one morning (proverbially speaking) and feel like they've accomplished so much but really want to be mothers. They have mothering instincts and it's what they really want and so they go out and use their resources to have their own child, alone. Someone asked me if my thought process applied to adoptive parents. It doesn't, because kids in the foster care system are far better off with one parent than with the foster care system raising them and that's a fact. I understand going out and finding your husband (or wife) right this minute is not an option for a lot of women who really want to be mothers, and I'm not suggesting you have to be married or in a committed relationship to adopt a child. In fact, I think if more people who were in that situation (single but wanting kids) would adopt or at least be a foster care home, a good one, there would be so many more kids who can grow up healthy and happy.

As much as I can help it, if I have kids, they will not grow up without two parents in their lives and fully committed.

Why Do You Lie?

By now we've all heard about and probably discussed the rape case involving a student at Hofstra University.

For those who don't know, google "hofstra rape" and you'll get all the news articles you never wanted.

To sum it up, though, a young woman -- college freshman in fact -- by the name of Danmell Ndonye consented to sex with 5 young men. Afterwards, she claimed to have been raped. An investigation was immediately launched, outraged expressed and sympathy conveyed. Shortly thereafter, when the cops began questioning Ms. Ndonye's inconsistent stories as well as confronting her with the possibility of a tape, she confessed that it had been made up.

Because I understand the real aftermath rape can have, I don't want to make a lot of jokes, but the first thought I had when I read that there was a video was, "I bet a lot more dudes are going to start recording their sexual activity..." I can't say that I'd blame a man if he did that either. Many men are convicted of sexual assault crimes that they didn't commit. I'll be the first to say that sexual assault is not taken as seriously in our society as I think it should be, but anytime a person's life and freedom could be taken away by someone else's lie, it is a problem.

Only Ms. Ndonye knows why she lied, for sure, and perhaps even she doesn't know, but I can take a stab at it. We all know that when (and in this day and age, it's a "when" not an "if") the videotape surfaced (and I believe Ms. Ndonye was probably unaware of the video) we all would have taken to Twitter, facebook and our blogs to comment on the demoralization of our young women. "How could she degrade herself like that," we would've asked. "What's this say to other young women?" others would have chimed in. Ms Ndonye may have asked herself some similar questions right after it happened and may have had immediate and sudden remorse and so she lied.

Perhaps, even, Ms Ndonye did feel raped. Perhaps she woke up the next morning and felt that she'd been violated -- but the fact is, she consented to these sexual acts and the burden of dealing with it was her responsibility, not that of the 5 men or the police officers who got her case.

I sympathize with Ms. Ndonye. I can only imagine what it's like to wake up the next morning and feel violated and know, even if it's just subconsciously, that you're to blame for your own decisions.

Having said that, what I really worry about are the women who have recently been raped and those who will be, who will remember this story and be afraid to come forward. They will stay silent because they fear no one will believe them; they won't talk because somehow they will make it their own fault. What about those women? What can we do to foster a society that allows women to come forward when they've been violated, but also protects men from women who have "buyers' remorse"?

Above all else, I hope that there are other young women out there who saw this story and will really think before they leap; consider how they might feel and what it might be like before they say yes.

I have a follow-up post for tomorrow (what? ASmith's gonna post on a Saturday?!) ok... good point...

Let's see what actually happens, but I DO have a follow-up post.

*****EDIT******
I just read an article that confirmed what I thought: she lied because she didn't want anyone to think ill of her and to explain to her boyfriend why she was MIA. He convinced her to go to the cops and so the ordeal began.

A New Way

I had a very emotional conversation with my mother yesterday afternoon. This is huge and indicative of where I am emotionally, because my mother and I don't have those types of conversations... ever...

It started because she asked me how I was enjoying being in NYC. I told her I wasn't. I didn't want to come here for Labor Day Weekend. I wanted to relax at home, but I felt pressure. I know my friends want to "coddle" me after the death of my ex and I do appreciate it and I want them to know that, so I agreed. I have got to start listening to myself and prioritizing what I want above everything else.

On the ride up to NY, I started thinking. I thought about my mood and why I've been in such a bad mood off and on for months, now. The anxiety I've started feeling regularly and for almost no reason. The stress and all the things I dislike about my current situation. Let me be clear: I'm currently in a great city, with good friends and having a good time and in 10 years, I'll be glad for all the experiences; however, right now I am not being fulfilled and that I do prioritize pretty highly. Not feeling fulfilled or feeling like I'm working towards anything that will fulfill me is contributing to my horrible mood about life.

The continuous anxiety for seemingly no reason at all woke me up, though. I concluded that I really need to seek counseling. My mom, with no prompting, reiterated that thought when I spoke to her. I almost immediately started crying because I knew she was right. She drove it home for me when she said, "Ashley, you seem to have a lot of stuff built up inside of you and it's going to come out one way or another. If you don't find someone you can be open with and express how you feel and what you think, you're going to blow and it will not be good."

She tried to make me feel better by telling me she'd seen my cousin earlier and how much he praised me for how smart I am and well-rounded and how he believes no matter what I'll get to where I need to be. She also told me what other family members have had to say about me. It felt good, but at the same time, I found myself thinking "wow, why don't I see what everyone else sees when they look at me?" This has long been something I struggled with. My friends want to be around me all the time, strangers I don't know seem drawn to me and I don't understand it. I don't think I'm a bad person at all, but I just don't get what they see.

So when I get back to work Tuesday, I shall began looking for a counselor to see... this new way will be quite an interesting journey.

Story Time...

Telling the story of Rachel and Jenna yesterday reminded me of something else that happened during our planning of this trip. Actually, it all unfolded the day of the trip.

Rachel, Jenna and a third girl who we'll call Nicole all played basketball together in high school. Nicole you'll remember from a previous story. Nicole and Rachel were friends because of proximity moreso than because of compatible character traits. As a result, post-graduation, Rachel didn't do much to keep up with Nicole.

This trip occurs 4 years after our high school graduation, and at least 2 years since Rachel and Nicole last had contact. In the interim 2 years, Nicole and I had very infrequent contact (and of course we were facebook friends). Jenna and Nicole had remained friends and spoke frequently.

As Rachel and I discussed who she wanted to come on the trip, Nicole flashed into my mind, but being very aware of Rachel's opinions of Nicole, I never asked. Later, Rachel would say she thought about inviting her, but decided against it and the events that unfolded the day we left seemed to prove Rachel's instincts correct.

Like I said, Nicole and I had infrequent contact. Mostly random text and facebook messages. I arrived in our hometown (our meetup city) before Jenna did. I went to Rachel's apartment so we could go get the rental car. We had hoped Jenna would call us to say she was in the city about the time we had the car, but she didn't, so we went back to Rachel's apartment to wait on Jenna's call.

At the time, Rachel was living with her boyfriend and her 2 year old son, Jason. I remember thinking it would be very wierd if Nicole called me or text me, but I had no reason to think that she would. I figured eventually she would find out about the trip and I knew she'd be upset she wasn't invited, but I also figured that by the time she found out, it'd be old news and she'd get over it. I'm pretty sure God heard my thoughts and needed a laugh because my phone began ringing and when I looked down, it was Nicole calling.

I knew if I didn't answer, she'd keep calling and I really didn't want her to call while we were on the road, or out together so I answered.

Me: Hello?
Nicole: Hey what's up?
Me: Not much. What are you doing?

About this time, Jason, who I'd been playing with, ran up to me and screamed something.

Nicole: Who was that?
Me: Uhh....
Nicole: Are you at home? Was that Rachel's son? Are you with Rachel?
Me: Yeah, I'm at Rachel's house.
Nicole: Why? What's going on? Jenna told me she was going home this weekend too. Are ya'll hanging out?

At this point, the details of the conversation are fuzzy, but eventually it came out that we were all going to Atlanta. Nicole was instantly pissed, said a few choice words and hung up on me.

Rachel asked me what happened, so I relayed the details. She rolled her eyes and said, "Figures. Everything is always about that girl. This is exactly why I didn't want her to come. I don't want all the drama."

Oh God I thought. This isn't over.

I was right. About the time Rachel and I were heading over to pick up Jenna, the text messages started. All of them conveyed, in not so nice words, how disappointed Nicole was, how hurt she was and how upset she was. Including her infamous "I thought we were better than that..." line (in reference to her relationship with me). Eventually, I just called her back because I couldn't text and drive. I tried to explain, without throwing Rachel under the bus, that it was her birthday, her choice. Nicole wasn't hearing it, but she didn't hang up on me and she did thank me for at least calling her back.

That night as we were all drifting off to sleep I heard my phone buzz on the nightstand. I grabbed it and flipped it open wondering who was texting me and why. It was Nicole. She'd obviously been steaming about the incident all day and had to get one last reiteration of her hurt, disappointment and anger in. At that point, I had to laugh at the situation to keep from crying about how frustrating it was. That was the last time Nicole and I spoke, until the incident I mentioned in the story I told about her last year.

There's a follow-up to that story. I'll share it with you soon.

One Sweet Day...

Keith's post today inspired me as to what to say in my first real post in quite some time.

The story he tells reminded me of something that happened about a year and a half ago.

One of my friends, we'll call her Rachel, wanted to go to Atlanta for her birthday. She wanted it to be me, her and a third friend who we'll call Jenna. The three of us were friends in highschool, Rachel and Jenna played on the basketball team together. Rachel informally put me in charge of working out the individual logistics (making sure everyone knew where to be and when) while she found the hotel she wanted to stay in. We all agreed to split the cost of the trip 3 ways. This included a rental car, gas and the hotel. About 3 weeks before the trip, I called Jenna to try to confirm some things with her (primarily that she was still going). She was sorta all over the place. She told me that the week before our trip was her Spring Break and she was going to Panama City. She wasn't sure she'd have money for our trip. I told her that was fine, but to let me know as soon as possible whether or not she went to Panama.

The next weekend, I called her and asked if she'd gone to Panama. She said she hadn't and that she would go with us to Atlanta the following weekend. The morning of the trip, Rachel called to say that the rental car company needed her to produce utility bills in order to use her debit card for a rental. She asked if I'd be ok renting the car, I agreed. That afternoon, when we picked Jenna up at her mom's home (I drove down from my college and Jenna drove down from hers, to our hometown where Rachel still lived) Rachel told her how much money she owed each of us. Jenna told us that she had not gone to Panama City for Spring Break, but had actually gone to Destin, FL. One of her relatives had promised her some money for the Spring Break trip, but hadn't come through. She was sure, however, on this Friday afternoon, that he would put the money in when she called. As we drove the 2 hours to Atlanta, Jenna made repeated calls to this family member asking for the money. When we got to the city, Jenna didn't have much money and so Rachel ended up buying at least one meal for her, all the while, Jenna promised she'd get us some money.

The next day, one of Rachel's friends called and said she wanted to come down but had no way. I agreed to drive back up to pick up this friend. Jenna asked if we would drop her off at home so she could leave some of her clothes for her mom to wash before she got back and to get some money from her mom to pay us back. An hour after we had been back and just as I was headed from one side of the city to the other to pick up Jenna, she called me to tell me her mom was not letting her go back with us because she (her mom) would not be lending Jenna any money and Jenna couldn't pay us back.

The problem was, however, she had spent at least one night in a nice hotel that Rachel had paid for, and she had ridden down and back in a car I rented and on gas I paid for. There was no getting out of it by staying at home, now. She should have stayed at home before. Rachel quickly got on the phone and demanded her money. "I want my money when I get back, do you understand?" Rachel asked. Jenna said she'd have it for us when we returned; we had to bring her the clothes she left in the hotel.

The morning we left, I text Jenna that we would be back in 2 hours and she should be at home to get her stuff. She said she would. When we pulled up to her house almost 3.5 hours later, there was no one home and there had been no word from Jenna that she wouldn't be there. We left her stuff on the front porch (though Rachel was an advocate for keeping it as collateral) and left.

16 months later, I've forgiven Jenna though we've not ever spoken about the situation. I was horridly disappointed in her response -- not returning phone calls, continuing to promise the money but never sending it, etc... -- but I learned my lesson. Rachel, on the other hand, hasn't spoken to her since the last time she asked for her money, which was 15 months ago. This is a long-time friendship that is, at least for now, dead over money. Life is too short for all that.

2 weeks ago yesterday, my ex-boyfriend, the one I've talked about ad nauseum here, killed himself. I'd long known he was depressed, but actually thought that in the time we'd been a part, he'd found a healthy relationship and was doing better. He never made me think anything different and so I was surprised and saddened to hear of his death. I had a friend commit suicide in high school. The ex was there for that, as well. He and I had many conversations about suicide and we didn't agree on it. He saw it as a gift, I saw it as selfish. Like I said, he battled depression for a long time. It was so hard to watch.

There are countless things I planned to say to him in the next few weeks. Things I wanted him to know but wasn't sure he was ready to hear. I was ready for us to try a friendship again. I was ready for us to put the past behind us and move towards whatever sort of future we had. I had literally just forgiven him, truly forgiven him, for all the stuff he did to me when his mom called me to tell me he was gone.

Life is too short to forget how short it is. I truly thought I was doing him a favor by letting him enjoy his relationship without the added confusion of us trying to be friends again, though he had told me I was wrong about that, before. We all know we shouldn't think we have forever with someone, because the truth is that we don't, but that is a hard lesson to put into practice. We let so much other stuff get in the way.

Like Keith said he learned in his experience, as I learned when my friend committed suicide 5 years ago, as I've been reminded in the death of someone I loved more than even I seemed to realize, life is too short to think you have forever. The breakup of a long-time friendship over a couple hundred dollars sounds reasonable until you put it into perspective. Money can be repaid, life and time can not be recovered. I hope that Rachel and Jenna resolve their differences, but I'm more focused on being sure that I don't let life or time slip through my fingers over things beyond my control and things that, in the big picture, just don't matter...

Untitled

Every day I say I'm going to post.

Anyone who follows me on Twitter knows I recieved bad news about a week and a half ago...

I know that one way for me to deal with it is to write about it, but I'm not quite ready for it. I will, though... I will.

I'm sure everyone has great Labor Day plans and I hope everyone enjoys theirs. I have plans, but I'm kinda dreading it... I know, I know... makes no sense.

New Brandy leak... I'm loving it. I hear Megan Rochelle recorded it first, so I wanna hear hers, but here's B-Rocka's

Thinking...

I've done too many posts on "The Ex" to count, or even really to link here. But for anyone who might need to catch up quickly, check this one out.

I've spent the last week at home with my mother. It's been a well-deserved and very much needed time away from my life and all the craziness in it. Before I came down, I had a brief facebook exchange with The Ex's brother and I told him that if I could, I would visit. The Ex's family lives a little less than 2 hours from my mother. It wouldn't be totally outside the realm of possibilities for me to make a day trip down. I haven't seen his mother and brother in over a year, and I haven't seen his father in a little over a year and a half. It would be so nice to see them all -- however, I made no such trip.

This afternoon, I made a pit stop at home in the middle of a very busy day of visiting people. On my bed was a card. It had The Ex's family's picture on top and a brief synopsis of what's been going on with each of them. His mother sends these cards out during Christmas time, so my first thought was "this is either very early or very late..." Turns out, it was the latter. When I flipped the envelope over, I saw that it had been mailed to my mom's old address. I guess she just found it now that she's over in the old house cleaning it up, readying it for a new tenant (oh gosh, that's a whole other story...)

I've actually been thinking about The Ex a whole lot. We had a brief exchange a few weeks ago while he was visiting his family and I, ironically, was in what is now his home city, over 1200 miles away. What little we did talk about was fraught with unsaid thoughts and feelings. All of our interactions in the last 6 - 8 months have been like that. I have a lot I want to tell him, but I don't think any of it is appropriate, right now.

I've been trying to avoid contacting his mother, for a myriad of reasons, but I felt that I should let her know of my mother's new address. I don't know what will happen -- her e-mail replies to me have always been short and sweet, so I doubt this will lead to any continued e-mail exchange, however, it will be interesting to see what she says (or asks)...

I gotta get "The Series" back going, so you guys can see how all this plays out...

Fear Not

Those who follow me on Twitter know I'm here.

Those who don't may think I've abandoned it.

I'm trying to pull it together, but failing. Hopefully next week I can crank out some real posts (while, ironically, I'm on vacation).

In the meantime, check out the blogs I'm reading everyday.

This May Concern You
-Doesn't matter if it's serious or not, Damon/Monica always have a quality and thought-provoking open letter.

A Belle in Brooklyn
-Relative to most of the commenters, I'm a newbie, but I lurked for a while before I began commenting. Belle is a great writer and her posts are also very thought provoking.

What Would Thembi Do
-Seriously, I love Thembi. Her knowledge of black pop culture is vast and amazing and I love it!

Jack & Jill Politics
-Very smart people post and comment here. I've learned a lot just reading the comments and engaging in discussions.

Necole Bitchie
-Twitter usually feeds me enough random info about who's doing who with whom and for how long, but Necole is always there to fill in the gaps.

Tha Feedback
-I check out The IPS's commentary on songs I've already heard and video's I've already seen because I love it.

The Outlook
-Ok, it's my other blog. I don't update it regularly, but what is there is quality stuff. If you haven't read any of the (very) old posts, please do. It's worthwhile.

And as ALWAYS there are the archived posts here. Allow me to recommend:

High Standards
-Sometimes, I just can't take how much people want.

You Think Your Thoughts and I'll Think Mine
-Taking a walk in someone else's shoes never became so real.

Haters
-Definitely the most overused and misused phrase in mainstream popular culture. What is a hater and what do we do with them?

Girlfriend Friends
-Lets face it, girls are not easy to have as friends.

I Need To Get Out of This Box
-Let me be different.

Of course there's also the Series to catch up on (or just re-read, because if you're like me, you've forgotten half of it), and a handful of stories I may or may not have told over the last year.

Hope this ties everyone over until I can get my A game back on. I have much to share and much to tell and definitely a whole lot of thoughts to get out. I've been working on a lot of short stories, and I'm hoping to be able to share one with you in the very near future.

Black Students Stepping Up For Black Students

Check out my commentary on the Chanequa Campbell situation.

http://theoutlook.wordpress.com/2009/07/24/black-students-stepping-up-for-black-students/

#InHighSchool

Anyone who's not up on twitter... whatever. Keep moving.

Those who are, a)Follow Me and b)did you keep up with the #inhighschool trending topic yesterday? Luvvie suggested everyone post them on their blogs. I thought it was a great idea, so here we go...

#inhighschool...

-My nickname was Smash and I have no idea why...
My advisor in 10th grade (yes, we had those in my high school) was the head football coach. He started the name and the name stuck; it even followed me to college. I have no idea why he picked that name (he had a daughter with the same first name as me and he called her that, but it made sense... she played volleyball...) for me but hey, I've heard way worse.

-I learned that white people and black people are alot alike. But in 11th grade I learned they threw way better parties!
Some of the best parties I've been to, period, were thrown by white folks. I don't know what it is about black folks but we get uptight when it comes time to party. We get worried about who's gonna be there and how we look and all that to the point that we suck all the fun right out. White folks party to let loose and have fun. Don't get me wrong; I know black folks know how to have fun (hey, my family reunions are the business) but social gatherings of friends/people you kinda know are always better when the white folks throw 'em (maybe it's the free alcohol that entices me, I don't know).

- One of my friends said to me: "Don't think cause you're the VP I won't assassinate you"
I was elected VP of the student body for my senior year in high school (I later went on to become President when the elected President was relieved of his duties... more of that amazing white people partying....) Right after the election results were released, I was walking to class and passed this friend. All day people had been congratulating me and I was sorta getting tired of saying thanks (though I truly was appreciative). He probably said something to me and in turn I had a snarky response so he said that... 6 years later and I remember it and still laugh. In fact, I included it in the yearbook as one of my favorite quotes.

- I had my first drink
Self explanatory; by the time I got to college, I was all over the whole drunk thing.

-I had 2 BFFs and I thought we would all live happily ever after; then life happened
I spent my entire junior and most of senior year in a 3 person group that became known as the 3 Musketeers. Everyone called us that, even teachers. If we were seen without one (or seen alone) we were always asked "where are the rest..." Shortly after graduation, one of them quit talking to me. She wouldn't respond to my phone calls or texts and I quickly realized that she had washed her hands of me (as she had done our other friend a few months earlier). Even today, I can only speculate as to why. The other one and I still speak and remain close.

-I didn't always make it to school on time (during jr and sr years) but I always made it for lunch.
My mom was a little too trusting (but hey, my grades never suffered, I was popular and very involved so she clearly didn't make a mistake). She'd come into my room some mornings (I left, if I was going to school on time, before she did) and say "why aren't you up?" I'd make up something about having a free period or a late day and go back to sleep. I never skipped a full day (except for Senior skip day) without a good reason. I'd usually be on campus by the period before my lunch.
The crazy thing was we had to have re-admit slips to get back into class. You had to bring a note signed by your parent to the dean's office and get a slip to have signed by all your teachers who's class you had missed (this showed them that you'd been okayed by the dean for missing class). If I even bothered to go get a readmit (which I rarely did) the note was forged. Most of us had done that at one point or another and during graduation one of my classmates admitted this to the dean's assistant. Her simple reply? "I know." LOL.

-I was uber involved
My senior year I was student body President, held two senior positions in our community service program, sat on a panel of teachers and students (all chosen by administration), president of the largest club, and I'm sure I did whole lot of other ish that 5 years later I can't remember. I was OVER-involved is a more accurate expression of what I had going on, but you know what, I loved it, even when I was stressed... I felt super connected to my school and like what I said mattered. The flip side, though, is I was burned out by the time it was all over. In college I was a bum and by my high school standards not very involved at all.

-I used my position to get some of my friends out of trouble.
I also used it to get myself out of trouble. One story that comes to mind is when a friend of mine (he eventually became my b/f then my ex and I've talked about him ad nauseum here) was accused of mistreating one of the kids we worked with at our community service sites. At my high school, comm. service was a HUGE deal, so this could've had major repercussions. I went to bat for him and argued that the whole thing had been blown out of proportion and that I would monitor his behavior. He escaped the axe that day, but I wasn't around to help him out when it came around the second time. He deserved it, though.

-I fenced
Yes; I did.

-We had a big screen tv in the student center that was always on SportsCenter in the morning.
Umm... self-explanatory. All of us had to do an afterschool activity and for most of us that meant a sport (I did service)... so it was acceptable to the vast majority of us.

Focus HERE

Best Friend
Uploaded by ice1906. - Explore more music videos.

When I opened up a new post, my intentions were to lament for a few lines about how much some of my friends suck sometimes; how they take, take, take and don't give. I've done quite a few posts on how much I love music and so that explains why I always like to include a song that helps set the mood for the post. I've been playing Brandy's Never S-A-Y Never (Human was a great album, but in my opinion she's yet to top NSN) lately and so I went to find the video for Sittin' On Top of the World and all I could find were live performances. I really just wanted the video so I kept looking and as I looked through Brandy's videos on youtube I found one of a recent performance where she does a medley of Sittin' On Top of the World and Best Friend... and it all clicked for me.

I've done enough blog posts here about 'em and so I've done enough focusing on those in my life who seem to only want to take from me. They're not bad people and with many of them I have some really good memories and I look forward to making more; however, I do allow them to take and at some point I must take responsibility for that. Lamenting and feeling sorry for myself is not the way to do that.

One thing I am going to do, however, is focus on those in my life who give to me more than I feel they take. The first one I think of is my BFF, J. Over the last year I've come to really appreciate him. I know that when I call, I'm a priority. He knows the same about me. I know that he really cares about what's happening in my life and that my happiness is important to him; he knows the same about me. In fact, it's a conversation we had a little over a year ago that rings in my ear whenever I'm feeling upset or sad about some of the people I allow in my space. In the conversation, J told me how much it upset him to see me upset because of the way people treated me. "I told you to stay away from them, but because that's where you wanted to be, I supported you," he said. "But now, you're just pissing me off. Stop letting them upset you because it's upsetting me and that pisses me off..." Maybe it's because we have always implicitly understood each other but I got exactly what he said -- and he did say a lot.

1) Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame one me...

2) Real friends are concerned with your happiness. Period.

3) Real friends won't let other people take their spot if they know they're not good for you, but...

4) Real friends also accept that what you want is what you want and will be as supportive as they can.

I tell J every chance I get that I love him and I truly do. Everybody deserves a BFF like that. Everybody -- and I need to be that type of BFF back to him instead of trying to give it to people who don't want it.

I <3 Music

NE-YO ft Peedi Peedi - Stay
Uploaded by chanmany. - See the latest featured music videos.

It took me a minute before I realized this song was about music (yes, even though he says "music" at the end of the song)...

Over the past couple of weeks I've been jotting down some thoughts I have about what I feel about music. I've wanted to do a lot of things with my life. I know there's one path in life that I'd be particularly great in; however, I've always had a love for music that I had a hard time explaining. I don't play an instrument (though I did take piano for years -- I quit because I hated practicing), can't sing and though I've tried, couldn't make a "beat" if my life depended on it (man, that's way harder than you might think). I still have always wanted to be involved in music, and so I figured a role in A&R would be perfect for me (I still do, btw...). Anyway, here's the whole shebang I've written out thus far. It's mostly just as it looks in my blackberry, but I edited it some and made it look pretty for all of you...

I think I like music so much because it let's me feel. The right song can have me nodding my head subconsciously. The right song can speak to my heart and make me feel something so deeply inside.

One time I told my ex that I missed him in a place I couldn't get to. It ached - it was like an itch I couldn't find. That's how music can make me feel sometimes.

Sometimes it can give me words I didn't know I had. It can help me name what's wrong and how I feel and what I need. Music makes the nonsense so clear sometimes

Music is the one thing that has made me feel ok to cry. I'll never forget putting "Miss You So Much" by TLC on repeat shortly after getting their CD. I don't know why, but it made me think about my father it really made me realize that I did miss him and it hurt how much I missed him. I didn't understand why he wasn't there and I cried. I cried hard. That's been the only time I've cried about him and his absence (it hasn't stopped hurting though).

When it's me and the music I know I can be emotionally raw. I can sit in a room with music and whatever I do, whatever my reaction is is ok. Music doesn't ask me why or need to know the backstory. It just sits there and let's me do it.

Oh and the passion. I loved someone, once, with as much passion as you hear in all the good music. I miss that passion so much and I've found it again in the music. The only problem is that it's not my passion. It's always meant for someone else.

I have spent a long time perfecting my emotional wall. It's perfect. Most people can't even see it, at least not at first. But then it's all they see and I can never not have it when they're around. That's not the case with music. It doesn't see a wall because truly when I'm with it, there is no wall, can be no wall.

Sometimes I hear just the right song at just the right time and my heart is so relieved. It's hard maintaining a stoic front. People say they want the softer side of me, but when it shows they rebuff it. This is partly because I spend so much time hiding it but at the same time it makes me want to keep hiding it.

Sometimes it's not even the words, it's the note. The note sounds like how I feel and so the song is how I feel.

This is still a work in progress, but it wasn't until I started writing this that I realized where my love for music comes from...

My Youtube Debut Part Deux

3-Way Friendships

I seem to always find myself in 3-person friendship groups. As I think back, I can take this assessment all the way back to elementary school.

Today, I had 2 of my 3-way friendships give me a little trouble. The one that's working my nerves the most involves one person stepping in on my behalf with the other. In sum, I feel like my friendship with one of them is changing. It's changing because she's the type of person that views relationships as a bit more dynamic and fluid than many others do. I have the option to say "hey, that's not how I get down" and walk away, but I don't really mind it. I think the other person in our 3-way friendship, who is new to the equation, thinks she's part of the reason our relationship is going through a bit of an ebb, right now. She's not -- and even if she was, it's still not her place to fix it.

I don't want people to call me or interact with me because they've been forced to. I don't want to be seen as a big bad wolf that you have to have someone speak to on your behalf.

In a much bigger way, I'm one of those people that would rather sit back and watch the chips fall and work it from there rather than make the chips go where I think they should. I think that's like asking for trouble and I don't need any trouble...

My Youtube Debut

I've officially made it so I can never run for public office.

Jill and I did two videos, I'll post the next video when she does.

MJ - The Man, The Icon, The Legend

I'd be remiss to not say anything on the ol' blog about Michael Jackson. At the same time, what can I say that hasn't been said? The timing of his death is ironic -- Thembi said what I'd been thinking and that's that he died before he could make his true "comeback" whether it would've been during his 50-date tour in London or if it would've been some other time... I think we were all, whether vocal critics, or silent supporters, waiting on him to snap out of it and get back to the MJ we all loved and revered.

Maybe what we all failed to realize was that in being as amazing as he was, he had to give a whole lot of himself including what some of us might call his sanity. In any case, no matter what, Michael Jackson leaves a legacy that deserves respect. As much as it broke my heart to see pictures of him in the last decade, to watch his physical appearance change so drastically as if he hated everything he was, that was his life and those were his demons. They weren't for me or anyone else to comment on, though -- because we all felt we could -- we did anyway.

Now that he's gone, I'm interested in watching the way the mainstream media (MSM), who as Rippa points out, was so much a part of MJ's downfall, will give him respect while taking it away all at the same time. Whether he "got off" for crimes he actually committed or not -- none of that has bearing on the amazing musical genius he was or what sort of everlasting effect his efforts will have on music forevermore. Unfortunately there are some out there who will try their darndest to make sure it does.

Ultimately, I say nevermind to all of them. The truth of the matter is, if we all really do start with the "Man in the Mirror" we'll find that probably in our own sort of way, we weren't all that much better than they were at times.

R.I.P. Michael -- it doesn't matter if they give you your props today or 20 years from now, because your work will forevermore, as it always has, speak volumes for itself.

Say What You Mean

So I was pretty sure I'd found my bloggin' steeze again... I was so wrong. It's the summer, man; I'm hot HOT and hot...

I'm pretty sure I'm the worst stickler ever for this. Please say what you mean and mean what you say. PLEASE.

But at the least, I need you to let what you say and what you do match up. Lord bless it -- I can't DEAL with people who say one thing and do another all the time.

I have a friend who's really bad affinity for saying one thing and doing another has been highlighted in her efforts to get out of a relationship. Quite frankly, the relationship is abusive, but that's another conversation. Anywho, she's saying all the right things. She sounds so emotionally drained, so tired, so disgusted with it all -- so ready to G-O. But when it comes time to put feet to words, she's got nothing. There is no change, there is little action.

And I don't know how many of you have walked through the break-up process with a friend, but while it's not as draining on you as it is on them (obviously) if you're at all emotionally invested in them, it's hard. If you're me, you're probably a little too emotionally invested and so EVERY time we talk about this, she's ready to go and I'm ready tos upport but she backpedals. She won't follow through and now I'M tired and I'M disgusted with it all. Quite frankly this portion of our relationship has gotten a little abusive...

What I really don't understand is how you can be at that point -- the one where you're ready to G-O no matter what it takes -- and then you don't follow through. What's that about?

I Need to Get Out of this Box

This morning, my status says:

Don't put me in a box. Give me a chance to be different than I used to be and make choices I haven't made before (though on occasion they may just be actions and choices you've never seen me do or make).

In high school I had a friend who hated being predictable. She got some sort of joy out of knowing that she led you to think she'd do one thing but ended up doing something completely opposite. It seemed she enjoyed this so much that she would go out of her way to see this happen.

The problem was, in a lot of cases, she was predictable -- perhaps because I had gotten to know her pretty well. I figured out that if I told her I knew what she was going to do, she'd always switch it up; if I left well enough alone and especially if I acted surprised at her doing exactly what I thought she'd do -- my predictions usually came to fruition.

Now, these weren't out of the ordinary things. It wasn't like I was predicting her life; they were simple things like me following up her telling me she had done something with "oh, I knew you'd do that..." or if (for example) she walked into class and I handed her a pen saying "I bet you don't have one..." -- those types of things seemed to really irk her.

I never understood it and found it extremely frustrating feeling like I couldn't express how well I felt like we knew each other. I feel like we're all looking for people who can get to know us very well and know the things that make us tick and make us happy; the things that bring joy to our lives as well as frustrate us.

This morning, as I was getting ready for work, I start thinking back to a conversation I had yesterday. In that conversation a friend made a comment about my future, definitively. This morning it occurred to me that I didn't like how she put me in a box; how she used a few choices I've made in the past to tell me what my future would look like; essentially I didn't like that she wasn't leaving it open for me to change and be different.

As I started thinking about how I might turn this into a blog post (because we all know, I'm looking for my blogging steeze) I remembered how I felt about my friend who didn't like being predictable -- but I still felt like my issue wasn't the same as hers. It doesn't bother me when my mom calls me while I'm packing for a trip and asks "did you remember to pack socks?" because she knows I usually do forget.

I started a new school in the 8th grade. During one of my first weeks there, I walked up on a group of students and joined their conversation by asking them what they were talking about. One of the girls said, "Oh, we're talking about a band you probably wouldn't know about..." From her tone of voice, I could tell she didn't really mean anything by it, but I was still slightly offended. Give me a chance to tell you what I do and don't know, I thought. They band they were talking about was Fleetwood Mac and because I had an unhealthy obsession with all things VH1 at that time, I knew a fair amount about Fleetwood Mac. Years later, after this girl and I had become really close, I reminded her of this story. She denied it, probably having a hard time believing that she would've ever doubted that I had a knowledge of music that crossed stereotypical boundaries.

My issue begins when people don't let me be new. We're all learning, everyday, and sometimes we're lucky enough to realize that what we've been doing, be it for a few days or a few years, just isn't working and we're ready to do something else. I want to feel like no one's got me pegged for anything -- that's how we miss out on opportunities to try something new -- it's bad enough we box ouselves in, but aren't our friends supposed to be the ones trying to open our eyes to new possibilities?

Look What I Found

Still searching for my blog steeze...

Here are some gems I've found on the 'net today. Check back, as I'm sure I'll update this before the day's over with

It's Hammer Time!



Second, we have a story from Politico a Hill newspaper.

If you want to score a meeting with Rep. Jim McDermott (D-Wash.), know this: His scheduler/office manager, Elizabeth Becton, is to be addressed by her full name — not Liz or any other variant.

An executive assistant at McBee Strategic recently learned this the hard way. A few weeks ago, the assistant e-mailed Becton seeking a meeting with McDermott and a client, JPMorgan Chase. Days later, the assistant checked back in and unfortunately began the e-mail with “Hi Liz.”

Becton curtly replied, “Who is Liz?”

When the assistant wrote back with an apology, Becton turned up the heat. “I do not go by Liz. Where did you get your information?” she asked.

The back-and-forth went on for 19 e-mails, with the assistant apologizing six times if she had “offended” Becton, while Becton lectured about name-calling.
Becton told the assistant that if someone said using “Liz” was acceptable, then “they are not your friend”, and “If I wanted you to call me by any other name, I would have offered that to you.” Plus, it’s “rude when people don’t even ask permission and take all sorts of liberties with your name,” she said, adding: “Please do not ever call me by a nickname again.”

But the tirade didn’t end there. Becton continued her riff — responding that the assistant “got played” by someone who was trying to “tick” Becton off. Becton’s final, searing missive stated: “In the future, you should be VERY careful about such things. People like to brag about their connections in D.C. It’s a pastime for some. It’s also dangerous to eavesdrop, as you have just found out. Quit apologizing and never call me anything but Elizabeth again. Also, make sure you correct anyone who attempts to call me by any other name but Elizabeth. Are we clear on this? Like I said, it’s a hot button for me. And please don’t call the office and not leave a message. My colleague told me you called while I was away. ... I do sometimes leave my desk.”

McDermott spokesman Mike DeCesare told us Tuesday, “An apology is being issued as we speak,” adding, “This isn’t reflective of the way we do business in this office.”

Source Be sure you follow the source link to read the e-mail exchange as well as the comments.