Standards: A Repost

This was originally posted back in December during my Things We Don't Apologize For series...

A while back, I did a post titled Deal Breakers and I said,

Deal Breakers are the things that either with or without, you have to leave a relationship. Be that a romantic one or friendship or even business relationship. When you know what your deal breakers are and can effectively communicate them, it helps people know what you want but most importantly, they help you know what you want. I'm not sure my personal deal breaker list is exhaustive, but it's a far cry from where I was. My deal breakers apply (except where obvious) to any kind of relationship.

I also did a post titled Flows Like Water where I recalled words J said to me during one of our classic "are we breaking up for real this time?" arguments.

Good luck finding a guy who meets all of your requirements. You want too much

I went on to say

I know he said that out of anger, but it's always stuck with me. I might want too much -- but that's why I'm ok being single forever...

Deal breakers and standards are something I believe heavily in. When J first made that comment to me (and he would repeat it later) I remember spending a lot of time thinking about what he said. Are my standards too high? Do I want too much? I tried to imagine a relationship without the things I wanted and I kept coming up with a relationship that didn't look too good. I decided then I wouldn't settle for less than I deserved. It took me a while to put that decision into practice and it started with being ok with singleness and understanding the difference between compromise and settling.

I'd love to be in a long-term relationship with a man who has no kids, but I won't kick an otherwise eligible man to the curb because he has a child. That's a compromise. It's important to me that anyone I date be goal-oriented. If you are not goal-oriented, we don't need to go past the friend zone, because otherwise I'll grate on your nerves and you'll grate on mine. To decide to be in a relationship with someone who has no goals and no drive would not be a compromise, it would be settling. It goes against something I value highly.

When we start apologizing for knowing what we want and refusing to accept anything other than that, we set ourselves up for failure. It's like researching the perfect car. You find out that the ideal car for your lifestyle is a small 2-door coupe with great gas mileage, but for some reason, when you go to the dealership, you let the car dealer talk you into purchasing a large SUV with horrendous gas mileage. It makes no sense and that's not a compromise, that's absurd! Now you're giving away your hard-earned money every month for a beast of a vehicle that you didn't even want. We wouldn't do that with buying a car, so I have no idea why we would do that with people we're in relationships with.

For all the ish we go through in our lives, dealing with other people and the mess they bring into our lives, the least we could do is set some standards and expect people to live up to them; compromising where necessary and not budging one inch when it's important. High standards? You'll be getting no apology for that.

Tomorrow: Never apologize for saying NO.

My Shoes

Posts will be very light for the next few months.

I'm actually supposed to shut my blog down while I'm on this job, but I was also supposed to have shut the blog down on the last job (US Senate) and I didn't.

Anyway -- this will be temporary, and after it's over, I'll go back to my not posting posting... :)

On my mind right now is what it would be like if I could let folks spend a few days in my shoes.

My most recent choice of employment seems counterintuitive to what I've said. It's actually yet another motif. I'm always saying what I'm not going to do anymore or won't ever do or am not interested in and I end up right in the midst of those things. I've almost learned my lesson to stop talking about what I won't do, but not yet.

In any case, whenever this happens, I shrug my shoulders, chuckle a little and roll with it. Usually it's these situations that lead me to bigger and better things and I've been told for a large portion of my life that I'm "going to do great things..." Since I have no idea what those things are, I suspect I should check every nook and cranny I'm afforded.

However, to people on the outside, I seem like a sell-out in some ways. Others have taken these things that they don't know anything about and used them to judge who I am. They make large and leaping assumptions about who I am as a person and it pisses me off.

I always want to tell these people that they're so sure right now that if they were in my shoes they'd make different decisions, but that the truth is they have no idea what they would do. In fact, they'd probably make the very same choices.

Our lives are not the same, we have different needs and goals and wants. I'm not sure if what I'm doing right now will get me to my end goals, but I know it can't hurt. I know I'm gaining experience most folks wish for, and in that I know that whether they admit it, realize it or accept it or not, those folks with so much to say about what I'm doing know that and are a little jealous. That's understandable.

I tire of people trying to force me in a box. I'm so incredibly tired of it. I want to be allowed to be complex, because I am. I don't fit in boxes and it's a waste of time to try to put me in one.

Fact is, these folks don't know anyone else like me and they've wasted a lot of time they could've spent getting to know me, on trying to find out who they already know just like me.

Ultimately what's bothering me, I think, is that it's taken me almost 24 years to figure out who I am and what I've mostly figured out is that I have a lot yet to learn about myself. But what I do know to be true has taken some time for me to accept and be comfortable with. I'm really close to being to that point completely and as I step out and try to share with those around me who I am, it's defeating to find that they'd rather tell me who I am instead of let me show them. But, I can't be anyone other than me so I suppose I'll keep at it.

Ok. I just needed a mini-vent session. Thank ya kindly.

Untitled

The last 2 weeks for me have been proof of a few things: 1) God will answer requests 2) Life can change at the drop of a hat, so be careful with those long-term plans.

Tomorrow is my last day in an office I've spent a lot of time in. I did an internship here in 2007 and with the exception of the last 4 months of my senior year in undergrad, I've not left. I've seen a lot and I've learned a lot. I'm so ready to leave but I will miss some of these people.

Anyway, as I've begun cleaning out my desk, I'm finding things that got buried way at the bottom of endless "to read" piles. Below is something I wrote and dated for almost 2 years ago. I must've been feeling awfully introspective, but I'm unsure of what exactly the catalyst for this was. It's handwritten, which is also interesting. I usually type up most everything so I can always have a copy. I typically handwrite things that I want to throw away, but I didn't throw this away.

I haven't decided yet how much of this still applies...


Originally written 12/26/08 - not edited

There's something there on the tip of my tongue. It's at the front of my brain. It's ready to come out. I'm not ready to let it out. I fear it'll cause damage or make me be honest in a way I've never been before. For people I don't trust. It's raining outside and there's this total calm that the insanity and unpredictability of the rain that's just... very hard to explain except to say it's a lot like my life and how I see the world.

My life is just one intense calamity after another and yet I'm so calm in the middle of it. It's like the unpredictability of it all keeps me sane. Like knowing what's next would freak me out. But even in the middle of all that calm, I'm scared and confused and lonely and I just want one person to step up and reach through the insanity into the calm and around the fear and hold me. Tight.

Vulnerability is a four-letter word in my world. It makes me have to lose all control. Control over stuff I don't really have control over -- which makes my inability to let go that much more difficult to understand. I want to open up. I want to be free. I want to know that if I did that you, whoever you are, would still love me. So I guess that's the one thing I need to know. The corner I don't want to round - the one unpredictable thing I want to be very predictable.

I don't feel like anything is missing -- as if there's a hole in my heart. But there's this feeling I used to have that I haven't felt in a very long time. I want to feel it again. When I had the feeling it made me believe I was normal and that sometimes I could knock the wall down and just F-E-E-L. So one more time and then again for the rest of my life, I want to feel that feeling. For someone who feels it back.

Wonder why it is some people meet these amazing people so early on in their live sand everything falls into place and then others never meet anyone else or take a very long time or whatever it is that happens.

I'm not desperate I'm...ready-ish. I'm ready to get ready. That's it. Ready to function and feel.

These flaws I've got, they're a part of who I am. Take me or not, but I finally understand. I'm so done trying to be everything you want. I have to stop, cause baby you aint worth it, if I gotta camouflage.

- "Camouflage" - Brandy

What if I'm camouflaging myself for myself? I want to be palatable to myself. Not that I don't love myself. No not at all - just... maybe I'm scared of what all of me is like. Would it be too much for people to understand? To accept? To love?

What I Needed To Hear

I spend a lot of time on this blog talking about my friends -- sometimes, I think I do it too much. I also feel like it's the ones who aren't being the stellar superstars I know they can be who get a lot of shine on the blog.

However, when my friends do excel, I like to point it out.

I spoke about a friend who forgot my birthday. It wasn't her forgetting my birthday so much as it was me knowing that remembering it just wasn't important to her. I've been feeling like this relationship was neglected and I was tired of the lip service I was getting. When we did talk -- and it wasn't very often -- she would spend a lot of time telling me how much she missed me. Ya'll know me, though, I'm an actions person. So I quit paying attention to all that long ago. It was getting annoying -- this idea that she thought it was ok to say one thing but do another.

For 2 years I've lived in DC. For 1 year, since she graduated from college and moved back home, she's been a little less than 4 hrs north of me on I-95. I've been to see her twice since I moved here and up until this past weekend, she'd not made much effort at all to come see me (though I know it goes without saying that she talked a lot about doing it). I was beginning to be a little hurt by it, actually. I'd thought we were better than that.

Finally, after a mutual friend suggested the plan she bought a ticket and she and the mutual friend came down to visit me for the weekend. Good timing on their part as on Friday it became official that this weekend was my last weekend in DC.

At one point shortly after her arrival she told me she thought it was really awesome that we'd been friends for so long. She was glad, she told me, that the sequence of events that occurred that led to our friendship had happened and she hoped I felt the same. I didn't really respond.

I mentioned to her, when she arrived Friday night, that maybe it was a sign of good things to come that we'd be spending my last weekend together. She chuckled and seemed not to pay much attention to what I said.

Saturday afternoon the three of us, plus another mutual friend made our way to a rooftop party. As we sat around talking, Yvonne and I found ourselves in a private conversation.

Yvonne: I have something I need to tell you. I need to get it off my chest.

Me: Ok. What's that?

Yvonne: I don't know if you know this or not, but I recently went back to my ex. We're not together anymore, but I definitely spent way too much time focused on him. I feel bad that this is the first time I made the effort to come down to see you. My mom told me that this is the time of my life where I should be spending my money on these types of mini-trips and hanging out with my friends. I'm sorry that I neglected you.

I was shocked. Partly that she admitted to me that she'd been neglectful at least in part because of her slightly skewed priorities but also that she even recognized it. I felt like she didn't see it and it was that -- the feeling like she didn't get that she couldn't just say things and not back them up -- that really got me.

I smiled a little. Told her it was all good as long as she was willing to try and then I said something that I think I may only later fully know the effects of...

I recently had a long conversation with an old friend about my history with J. I told her that a lot of the stuff I did with him, I would never do again but I had to do it to know not to do it.

Ever since I found out that she was seeing her ex again and realized she was purposefully not telling me about it, I'd hoped to have an opportunity to let her know that I would not have judged her for it, that I got why she felt she had to do it and that she should always know she can come to me. Her face made me think she understood, but we'll see. Sometimes stuff has to have some time to sink in.

That 5 minute portion of our conversation really made my whole weekend. It showed a lot of maturity for her to understand she was wrong and feel like she needed to express that to me. It served as a reminder for me that even though I prioritize actions over everything else, sometimes there are things that need to be said (and backed up by actions) for the benefit of the other person. A sincere apology goes a long way.

Playing Games

Like 73.2% of my posts come about because of incidents that point me back to a recurring theme. I told ya'll -- Motif is the literary term for my life.

So today's motif topic is playing games. Clearly I don't mean fun ones like kickball or keep away or 4 square or any of the other warm fuzzy games of our youth. I mean the kinds adults play with each other that too often involve manipulation.

Twice in the last week I've recounted the "true" end of my relationship with J:

Right after J came out of the closet, my personal life, understandably, went a little topsy turvy. One thing he kept saying in the intial conversation was "nothing I've ever said to you about how I feel about you was a lie."

But the truth was, I felt like the preceding 3 years of my life had been one big lie. It was really quite the existential crisis and I went into crisis mode. In fact, the next day I called his mom to tell her that I would be calling J to tell him that we couldn't talk anymore (which had more to do with the argument that ensued after he came out) and she should be prepared. When she called me back, it was to inform me that he'd been in a car accident that'd nearly taken his life.

J was sent to CA for rehab -- physically and mentally. He went to a drug facility on a beautiful beach for 60 days. He called me for the first time about 2 weeks after his accident. I'd promised his mom and myself that I wouldn't talk to him for a while because we needed the space. However, he called me from an unrecognized number. We spoke. I told him how I felt and that while I wanted so badly to be there for him through rehab, he had to find someone else. He'd taken it all from me.

Fast forward about 3 months. I'm in DC for the first time on an internship and I'm stretching my "adult and on my own" legs. One thing I have nagging at me is unresolved issues with J. Over the summer, we talked a lot. Some conversations were good, others were hard. He admitted to me that he wasn't sure of his sexuality but that he wanted to try again with me. He was sorry, he would do better, he was -- well all the things I'd wanted before.

And I'm believing him. Too much and too fast for myself. Though I cautioned him early on that I wouldn't tell him not to try but I wasn't sold that he could win me back, he was winning and I was not in control. I felt like I was right back where we had been before, but he wasn't. Which, honestly, was just as things had always been.

I threw the brakes on. One night after he promised to call but didn't, I text him then called him and I told him that I didn't want to speak to him anymore. We were over. It was best that way. I wanted him to fight me on that. I wanted him to fight me and prove to me that he really DID want me back. I wanted reassurance that I wasn't falling by myself as I had done before.

I could've gotten reassurance if I'd just asked him. Maybe he would've lied, sure. But at least I wouldn't have been playing games. It took me 2 months to realize he really wasn't going to call me -- even though he told me (when he found out 2 days later I had the chicken pox; yes, I was 20 yrs old and had the chicken pox for the first time) that he missed me and every day without me was more painful than the last. At the time I thought it was bullsh*t, but now I know that he was trying to respect my wishes. By the time I got my sh*t together, he had a new boo and it wasn't me.

Never, ever, would I do now what I did then. I'd rather put myself out there than to play games. Manipulation like that may yield you an answer you want (it didn't in my case) but there's always a price to pay. If I had shared with J my fears (that I was falling and he wasn't) my concerns (that I would wake up one day right back where I'd been with him before) then maybe we could've had an honest convo. Yes, maybe that convo would've hurt me but all the game playing that happened caused way more pain than necessary to both him and me.

Earlier today I had a gchat status that said,

You know, I think the best advice I've ever given can be summed up in this fashion: Don't play games. If you want something, just go for it. The game playing only leads to more issues. Less games, more...real. Yeah. More real.

And that's the point of this post. I wish we would just be real with people instead of trying to trick them into the answers we want. Ignoring his phone calls because he pissed us off. Not calling her back to make her sweat so she'll be extra nice when you do call. Saying you don't want to see them again when all you ever want is to see them. Game playing gets you nowhere but played and that lesson I learned the hard way.

Re-Post: Inappropriate Relationships

This pseudo-vacay (these days, I'm counting any time I don't spend in DC as vacay time) has been everything I needed. It's also meant that posting new stuff has been far, far, far from my mind. I got some ideas to work with when I get back, though. In the meantime, here's another re-post.

This was originally posted on 6.20.2008

Oh -- and the "dialing back" I mention at the end? Didn't do that. Things definitely dialed up. ::shrug::

At 21, I think the most important thing I have learned about relationships of all kind is the following:
Never, ever, under any circumstances, become close friends with either your friend's significant others or your significant others' friends.

I think that rule sucks. I think it sucks in the same way I think the "you can't date your friend's exes" rule sucks. Not so much that it's a bad rule of thumb, but it sucks that life's gotta be that way. I mean what if your friend's significant other (s.o.) is awesome; someone you would have been friends with, without your mutual friendship. Or what if your significant other has amazing taste in friends and you like what they bring to the table. It sucks, but the reality is, where relationships are concerned, people are VERY territorial.

I lost a friend (though, to be honest, she probably did me a favor by ceasing our friendship when she did) because she didn't like that I was friends with her ex AND friends with his new girl. Looking back on it, though his new girl (now his ex as well) and I are still close, and quite frankly, I'd choose her over the other girl any day, the drama that resulted wasn't really worth it. To have someone I considered a best friend second guess my actions, hurt. I wasn't trying to replace her with the new girl, I wasn't choosing sides and I didn't want her man either. In my mind, it wasn't about loyalty, it was about helping a girl who had walked into a minefield through a difficult issue.

I've also been in a situation where two of my friends (in this case, they both were friends of mine before they were together) broke up and having them both call me for advice was rough. As a female, I sided with my female friend more, but I still felt for my guy friend and wanted him to be ok. You can't reveal personal conversations to one about the other, but how else do you make the case for your suggestions?

And for as much as I hold on to that rule of thumb, I violate it on a regular basis. I mean, I love my friends. If I call you friend (and everybody in my world is NOT my friend) I love you and only want the best for you. And so, sometimes, I get a little over-invested in their lives and if you introduce me to your new person, and I like them, that shows. Too, we've all been introduced to our s.o.'s friends and hoped they like us and when they do... you want to foster that relationship, and sometimes it may go a little too far.

What prompted this post is a text conversation I recently had. Up until now, my friend has been the catalyst for any communication between me and this other person... but things changed today and it reminded me of my rule. So now, I have to find a way to dial it back -- keep our boundaries clear. Our relationship has to always been contingent upon the mutual friend. Our contact should always be because of the mutual friend. This keeps everything open and on the up and up, and then my friend won't have to worry that I'm sneaking around doing anything appropriate.

Just food for thought... mostly my own...

Re-Post: Untitled Space

I wrote and originally posted this in October of 2007. At that time I was in the middle of my very first internship in Washington, DC. This was the first time I'd been so far from home for so long. When I wrote this, I had finally cut most of my ties with J and was trying to come to terms with what that meant. Being 2.5 years removed from this space, now, I can say that I think I wanted to feel some of these things, but I'm not terribly sure I really did

At the end of this post I talk about holding my feelings inside and allude to the idea that I think it's what's best. In hindsight, it wasn't. At that time it was right, but it wasn't something I should've done long term.



The past two months for me have been chock full of experiences. I'm literally on my own in a big and brand-new city. Something about being on my own has made me feel more adult and more responsible but it has also made me long to be a kid just a little while longer. I intend to take full avantage of that opportunity when it presents itself.

I've learned a lot about the person I've grown into. All of the lessons I've learned over the years (and even the ones I'm still learning) are starting to make a ton of sense. I now know what sorts of people I want to surround myself with. I have a little more direction for my life and I'm excited about what the future holds.

This isn't to say or even suggest that I'm not struggling with these lessons. I'm still sifting through what all of this really means.

When you put someone out of your life what does that mean? Does it mean I can never speak to him again. No e-mails, no texts? Is it wrong to want an apology? Is it wrong to wish he would call and beg for your forgiveness?

Honestly, the answer to all of those questions is that there isn't a right or wrong answer. This isn't a black and white situation. What's most important to me right now is that whatever I decide about those things, that it doesn't hold me back. I have been especially surprised at how much easier letting go has been than I thought it would be. Truly, I had done all the work before. There was nothing to hold on to by the time I decided to let go. Emotionally I was a wreck and physically I was working myself into an early grave. When I finally said "let it go" I was about three months behind the game. And I was absolutely prohibiting myself from being happy, successful and productive.

So yes, I wish he was man enough to call me or text me or e-mail me or facebook me or whatever me and say how sorry he is and for him to truly mean it. Yes, I wish he would beg me to come back to him. I absolutely long for the companionship that I don't have because he hasn't done any of those things. What makes wishing these things even harder is that if he were man enough to apologize and to try to right his wrongs, we never would have gotten to that point. Once I had him figured out, he never changed and all the time I thought I just didn't get him, the reality was that I didn't want to get him; I didn't want to believe that what was right in front of my face was true.

He's a good person deep down inside somewhere. I know he is because once upon a time I met that part of him and I fell in love with that part of him and I thought if I waited I'd get that part of him back. Now that I get that I can't make him be that person I can start dealing with everything else. He will always be someone special to me and I will always love him though sometimes it hurts when I think that he probably doesn't feel the same way. Not for a lack of trying but because we met each other at a time when love was just not something he had in himself to give to me. And maybe our relationship was never about me, maybe God brought me into his life to love him through that part of his life and when my job was done I had gotten so attached that I didn't know how to let go even for my own safety.

It takes two peole to mess up a relationship and I played my part. I ignored the warning signs and I never stood up for myself and maybe I wasn't as supportive as I should have been; all lessons I will remember for the next time.

Maybe he's learning, too and maybe our paths will cross again. I would like that. But for right now I'm learning to like where I am as lonely as it feels sometimes and rather than learn to not feel lonely I'm learning to really FEEL the loneliness and be okay with it. I'm learning to FEEL every emotion I have for all that it is worth. To feel the sadness and the sense of loss and the anger and the happiness and the contentment and the since of pride. All of that and so much more I"m really feeling for the first time in a very long time. I've got a ways to go. Heck, I'm not even sure I completely have come to understand who I've evolved into but I like what I'm seeing so far. I like how I'm feeling so far.

To be in the sort of situation I was in for the amount of time I was in at the age I was, you have to be able to turn it off. Yur emotions become like water out of a faucet and you turn it on when you need it and off when you don't. If you let them run, it costs you in the long run. I was too young to know that doing that was unhealthy and I didn't have anyone to tell me that -- mostly because turning your emotions off means to hide them from everyone. Even I didn't realize how much I expected him to be apart of my life. Even when I would think about "what if" I never could see my life without him but I never addressed what that really said about me.

There's a lot I'd love to say to him if I could, but I know that right now it would do neither of us any good; so I'll put it here and I'll hold it in my heart. I'll hold it in the piece of my heart that only he will ever have access to. Oddly, I'm very much ok with that.

Blogger Spotlight

One of my really good friends, Jillian, has (re)started a blog called Letters to Mollee.

Go, check it out, leave some comments. :)

I Could Be Wrong... I've Been Wrong Before

Ok guys. I need some outside opinions. Am I wrong?

A few months ago, around the time that this and this was happening, you can imagine the types of conversations I had in private with my friends.

Now, over the years, I've come to realize that sometimes my friends don't feel as...how can I say... in tuned with me and my thoughts as I either think they are or they want to be. This, in turn, results sometimes in them trying to play "gotcha" with me. If they think I've mistakenly revealed something about myself, some of them like to let me know.

During the conversations I had about what was going on, one friend, Kim, told me, in a "gotcha" way that she thought I was fooling myself into thinking I didn't want a relationship. "You definitely do," she told me matter of factly. I hadn't actually done any real thinking about what I wanted, I was just... talking...

In another conversation, a different friend, Jasmine, made the opposite assertion. "You don't want a relationship," she told me. She made some good points that I hadn't considered and I was actually pretty intrigued by it. I thought the perfect person to mull it over with would be the one who told me I was ready for one.

Now, I didn't need either one of them to tell me what I was or wasn't ready for, but I welcomed the outside input and was interested to hear more of it. We all know friends can sometimes see things about us that we're too dense to see.

Later that afternoon, I spoke with Kim and told her about Jasmine's point.

"So basically, she says I'm not ready for a relationship because I use these arbitrary things to essentially disqualify guys," I told her.

"I don't understand," Kim responded

I sighed. "Ok, so ol' boy throws all these obvious hints at me, right?

"Right."

"But my major complaint through this is how he isn't being 100 with me. How he won't just say 'Look, I like you...' Right?

"Uh-huh"

"Ok, so Jasmine's point is that guys don't always come to you 100 with stuff like that. And further that if I keep saying 'Oh, I'm not going to pay him any attention until he gets real with me,' I'll basically be ignoring almost every guy who might be interested."

"Oh. I get it, now," Kim said. "I don't agree, though."

"You don't?" I asked.

Kim sighed. "No, I think everything that happened with dude actually proves my point."

"Ok," I began, "now I don't understand."

Kim began explaining, but cut herself off and quickly said instead, "You know, I don't actually think I want to talk about it."

I was a little confused, but more surprised than anything else. "Um. Ok." I said hesitantly.

"I mean I just don't like to talk about things that are pointless." Kim explained.

"Ok." I said again. Kim kept talking.

"I mean, it's just that you don't have any real current prospects which means there's no chance of you being in a relationship and so this conversation about whether or not you're ready for one is pointless to me."

I was a little put off is an understatement. Here was a friend I've had for a long time telling me, essentially, what I wanted to discuss about myself with her for her opinion on it was pointless. Her tone of voice was exasperated and I felt, in that moment, very hurt. I immediately thought of all the long conversations about "pointless" things I'd had with her and all myo ther friends. I'd always told myself -- if it matters to my friend, it matters to me. Guess I hadn't really considered that others didn't share my sentiment

But I also knew she probably didn't say those things to hurt my feelings. And even though I believe you should own your words, even when there's an unintentional consequence, I decided not to call her out on what she'd said.

I suppose Kim realized how she'd messed up and she tried to do some double backing which eventually led to her actually explaining her point, anyway. I can't tell you what she said because I was so caught up in what I was feeling (the hurt and surprise) that I didn't hear anything she said. When I was silent for too long, she asked,

"Are you mad at me?"

I paused for a minute to consider whether or not I wanted to have that conversation with her before I'd had a chance to think about it. I decided I didn't. "Why would I be mad at you?" I countered.

"Oh. Well you were just really quiet all of a sudden."

"Yeah. I was thinking. Sorry. I don't really have anything to say."

I ended our conversation shortly thereafter. I got the feeling she knew that maybe she'd messed up, but I also noted that she didn't try to fix whatever she thought was wrong.

In the time since then, I've noticed that I don't really like talking about what's going on with me, to her. I have, some, but definitely not as it relates to touchy subjects like my romantic life. Further, I just don't feel that even if I did bring it up and she did apologize (and, I would expect that she would, she's not a bad person) I still wouldn't feel comfortable.

The question is -- was I wrong for not bringing this to her attention? Am I wrong for not wanting to talk about this with her anymore?

I could be. I've been wrong before.

Actions and Consequences.

I have often said that 2 of the first words my kids (if I have any) will learn are "consequences" and "repercussions," because I believe in those things. There are consequences and repercussions for everything and I firmly believe that if more people understood that, people would make better decisions. The problem is, we spend a lot of time pushing consequences off onto other people or trying to shield those we care about from said consequences. And don't get me wrong, sometimes that's appropriate...for children...

I dislike the word "whatever." If there was a word I could delete from the English language, "whatever" would make the top 3, easily. I hate that word because it's usually misused in a very dismissive way and I hate being dismissed. J realized that and he would say "whatever" whenever he wanted to smoothly piss me off (and sometimes, that was all the time).

My mom uses it a lot with me and I'm realizing that's because she doesn't really get how much it pisses me off, but don't worry -- we're going to handle that.

The thing I hate about dismissiveness is the way people use it to absolve themselves of responsibility for their actions. Another overused phrase that accomplishes that goal is "it's not that serious" or "I was just joking..." Think about the last time you used either of those phrases and be honest about why.

My experience is that people use those phrases when they realize that their words/actions had unintended consequences and instead of accepting the consequence, want to absolve themselves of it.

Let me be frank: if you say something, and unintentionally hurt the person who hears it, your "mistake" does not absolve you of responsibility.

If I'm sitting in my living room and there are other people around and I'm playing with a gun and it goes off and the bullet hits someone and kills them, the unintentional nature of my actions doesn't absolve me of responsibility. It will lessen whatever punishment I receive, but I'm still responsible for my actions. The same goes for words.

Look, I feel misunderstood about 85% of the time, so I get what it's like to say something and have it taken the wrong way. It happens to me daily. But I'm an adult, I believe in accepting responsibility for what I do and so I apologize. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings..." is not that hard to say. Takes about as much effort as "I was just kidding, calm down" or "It's not that serious..."

Once words leave your mouth (or fingers, as we become more and more of a text-based society) they are no longer yours. They belong to whoever was there to hear (or read) them and they get to take them the way they want. I've been the victim of gross misunderstanding: that is where people purposefully twist my words into something they can take offense to, and as much as I want to say "you're an asshole..." I don't. I simply say "I'm sorry" and I note that I should be very careful with them in the future.

The thing about dismissive phrases like "whatever" or "it wasn't that serious" or "I was just kidding, calm down" is that they not only deflect acceptance of responsibility but they also push the responsibility back on the other person, as if to say "you took that wrong, it's your own fault you feel the way that you do."

Yes, there are over sensitive people out there and yes there are appropriate times to let a person know that they're being too serious for a situation and I believe we all know what those are. But even in those situations, words have consequences and that person deserves acknowledgement that how they feel is noted, valid and not intended.

My Window

Earlier today, I retweeted something first said by @sistertoldja that said,

I just feel its okay to be upset, vent and not want any lame Care Bear words of encouragement

I just... ::sigh::

Look, one little piece of advice I give out freely is that everyone looks out their own window. I learned that lesson the hard way and sometimes have to be reminded of that. It ties right into the whole "someone always has it worse..." gem people like to share.

But let me be honest with you, I hate that little tidbit, sometimes. Can I be free to complain about my car without being reminded that some people don't have one. Sometimes I want to whine about my job without being reminded some people don't have one. I'd like to freely gripe about how much I hate wearing glasses without the friendly reminder that some people are blind (ftr: I don't actually hate wearing glasses, but if I did, I'd want to whine about it).

The job thing might be the one a lot of us can relate to. In this economic downturn, you're hard pressed to find someone who doesn't know at least one other person who's lost a job. Some of us even know folks who have lost almost everything because they lost their jobs. I talked about close friends I know who fit this bill.

I have to say that I do -- I really do -- feel terribly about people who have lost everything through little fault of their own.

Their loss, however, doesn't change issues I may be facing or my (and others') need to vent about it.

I'm not talking about folks who are always complaining, who never have a good thing to say about their own lives or situations. Those people do need reminders but we all know those people when we see them.

Does that make me insensitive? I hope not. Everyone has issues and everyone has their way of dealing with it. Venting is one universal way and we should all feel like we can do that without having 50-11 people remind us that "it could be worse" or "at least you have such-and-such..." Everyone looks out their own window man. Everyone.

Re-Post: Here We Go Again

I wrote this almost 5 years ago and I'm just a little embarassed to admit that very little has changed... So, I guess I re-post this as a reminder to myself...

Originally posted October 18, 2005

The past two days have been anything but "memorable in a good way." Today is the first day in 48 hours that my phone has not rung incessantly. I go from one bad relationship talk, right into another. Sunday, I was on the phone from the time I woke up around 2:45 right up until I walked into the library at 7:00. In that time frame, perhaps I spent an hour not on the phone -- but that was not 60 consecutive minutes. It was erratic. Everyone had a problem. Well, everyone except two people My mom and Sharea. The only two people who called me all day who didn't want to whine. Those were my two shortest conversations.

Yesterday was very much similar to Sunday but my phone didn't start ringing until about 7:30 and I went until about 12:45. The same stuff. One friend even called, supposedly to hear me vent my frustration, and somehow we ended up talking about him and a past ex-girlfriend. It wasn't his fault, but I was so locked up emotionally by the time I talked to him, that I just didn't even want to say what was wrong. Not a good look for the kid.

To say I'm tired is an understatement. This aforementioned friend told me I should turn my phone off sometimes. He says it's what he does when it all gets to be too much, but I've been one of those shunned by his voicemail when "it all gets to be too much" and that feeling is not a nice one. I wouldn't wish it upon anyone who really needs a shoulder to lean on. That's what friends are for, right?

I can tell you this, though. I've had a lot of people ask me how I'm doing -- and I can say that I don't think any of them really cared. Well -- perhaps one or two. Of the rest, some asked because they felt bad about dumping on me, but then proceeded to dump on me anyway. Others asked out of habit, not out of genuine concern. The final few... they asked, and perhaps they cared, but they didn't care long enough for me to vent all of it out. Not a good look for the kid. I'm pissed off and generally angry at the world. Half the time I want to scream that I don't care about anyone's relationship and I wish everyone would suck it up and walk it off. I've got papers due, exams to take and group projects. There is no time in my world for stupid conversations about relationships that I can't control. But I don't mean those things -- I feel them bubbling inside of me, but I know that's the anger. The real me does care and does want to help. But I have hobbies and playing relationship counselor has never been one of them.

I think what's pissing me off more than anything is that no matter how much I say "I'm so emotionally drained" people laugh it off and keep it moving. No one is concerned with Ashley and that's because everyone is so self-absorbed in their "oh-so important relationship" relationships that aren't that deep, not half that serious and definitely not worth the time I'm being forced to spend on them.

The irony of it all is that some of the relationships I'm having to hear people vent about are relationships that have stolen once-close friends from me, put me on the back burner in people's lives and generally caused me anguish. But a good person would never say that. Never. Bitterness: Not a good look for the kid.

I want to be there for those who want me to be there for them, but I can't keep doing it, if every evening all I have to look forward to is more complaining and more whining. I'm going to break. Won't be a good look for the kid. I've been through my fair share of emotionally taxing things. This, my dears, tops it all.

I need new friends.

Distractions II

This post started back here

I think it started in high school. By my Junior year I was super involved in clubs. I was President of this, leader of that, special member of the other... it helped me get into college but it also required a lot of attention. I would get to school at 7:00, an hour+ before the first class of the morning and some days I wouldn't get home until 8 or 9 at night.

My mother and I are just now growing into a good relationship. From the outset, I have to say that so much of what I've been able to accomplish is directly because of my mother. Period. She was and is not a bad mother. At all. During my teenage years we clashed on a lot. I wasn't necessarily rebellious but I was hard headed. When I decide something should be a certain way, I stick to that. I march to the beat of my own drum, I live relatively unapologetically in my own world (and I have the bumps and bruises to prove it). I get that, actually, from my mother. So when we didn't see eye-to-eye, we really didn't see eye-to-eye.

Our disagreements stressed me. I didn't like the way they made me feel and so to a degree I used school as a distraction. My home life wasn't abnormal, but even still I didn't know how to deal with what was going on in my head so I just didn't.

As I got older and started running into more problems, I began taking that approach to more problems. I ran out of clubs to join and I began using my friends lives as a distraction. If I spent more time talking to them about their issues, I didn't have to spend a lot of time talking to them (or myself) about my own issues.

This worked, but it backfired because my friends began to think I didn't have issues. Hell, I began to think I didn't have issues. On the rare occasion a good and close friend thought enough to ask, I'd either feel guilty for having an issue to discuss or not trust them enough to actually care.

In fact, one thing J (the ex, for those new) was surprisingly good at was knowing when something was wrong and coaxing (read: demanding) me into sharing it with him. Unfortunately for both of us, a lot of what was bothering me during that time was him, but still, I loved the way he wanted to know... I digress...

Sometimes I can't get my brain to shut off. Most notably when I most need it to -- as I'm trying to go to sleep. As a result, distracting myself has almost become an art form. I spend a lot of my day distracting myself.

I know why, I know how... now I need to figure out how to stop. Or at least dial it back a bit.

Dealing directly with things as they happen is one option. I recently read an an article Donna Brazile (a personal hero) wrote for O Magazine called "The Smartest Advice I Ever Got." The first one she lists says,

1. Be the buffalo.
Wilma Mankiller, the first female principal chief of the Cherokee nation, once told me how the cow runs away from the storm while the buffalo charges directly toward it—and gets through it quicker. Whenever I'm confronted with a tough challenge, I do not prolong the torment. I become the buffalo.

In a lot of situations I think I'm like that -- the buffalo. Just do it and get it over with. However, some situations, specifically ones that feel like the storm might last too long, I distract myself -- I run away from it.

Two good examples:

In high school I did a lot of ropes course type stuff. I'll maybe do a post on all that. Anyway, one consistent thing ropes course activities mess with is fear. The point is not to teach you not to be afraid (fear can save your life) but rather to find skills necessary to overcome fear when you need to. Running right into whatever it is that I'm scared of is one of the skills I developed. So when I'm up on top of a pole that's 40 feet in the air and I'm being told to jump, or when I'm strapped into a contraption that pulls me 60 feet in the air and I'm told to let go (and fall), I just... do it. A deep breath and let go. That's my motto.

However, the reason my broken relationship with J went so long was because I was afraid. I couldn't just... do it. I couldn't cut it off even if it was hopelessly broken. I was afraid. I was worried about the consequences. I delayed and debated and delayed and debated until I really had no choice.

On occasion I successfully escape having to go through the storm, but you know what? Eventually it comes back around and you can't run (or distract) forever.

See. I get it. I KNOW the right answer. I just need to get to implementing. ::sigh:: Much easier said than done.

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Distractions

One really awesome perk to my job is access to the Library of Congress.

Wait, before I get into that, let me say, I've alluded to my job a few times and there are a handful of people who sorta know what I do. Lots of people know I live in DC, so some have probably put 3 and 7 together. I don't discuss my job because it could cause me issues. However, I'm leaving here in about 60+ days. At that point, I'll be glad to share what I've done for the last 2 years. Back to the post...

Whenever I hear about a book I'd like to read, I just request it and it's delivered to me ASAP. It's pretty awesome.

A few moments ago, I got a new delivery. A book that, actually, I'd forgotten I had requested. Once I crack that book open this evening, as I know I will, I will be reading 5 books simultaneously. Why?

Right now I have 7 tabs open in IE and 2 open in Firefox. Most of them are blog posts/articles I want to read. Why?

Earlier I had 3-4 word documents open. All of them work related but none of them related to each other Why?

Rarely do I sit down to write a blog post and do so in one fell swoop. Perhaps that's normal for average blog writers (those of us who don't do this for our paychecks), but I think it's yet another sign of what I do to myself. In just the time I've written these few paragraphs, I've checked out a game my alma mater is playing in baseball, read some emails, responded to some text messages. Nothing important and maybe not even more important than this post. Definitely distractors, though.

I'm always distracting myself. I can remember in high school spending my evenings watching tv, writing papers, talking on AIM and the phone, all simultaneously. I made great grades. Just earlier this week I had a conversation with a friend where I told her I feel like I have to multitask to get anything done. She told me that's just what I tell myself.

I think that it's not just what I tell myself, but rather just what I've always done. To the point that maybe I can't accomplish things without multitasking. Sorta like how a person eventually becomes legitimately addicted to something. A long-time heroin user will tell you that it was fun at first but now they use to avoid being sick. They almost literally can't function without it.

In the grand scheme of things, it's not terrible that I'm reading 5 books at once, can't write a blog post without checking twitter 20 times or that from time to time I talk on the phone while I'm reading a super important article. But I think this self-distracting thing goes deeper than tasks I have to complete.

A long time ago, I noticed that the more I focused on others the less I had to focus on self.

To be continued..."

Forgiveness

I present to you an edited re-post from a time so long ago, it wasn't even on this blog. :)

Originally posted 5/17/2007

Last night at church I got a lesson on forgiveness. It definitely hit home for me. It's funny how hard it is to take your own advice. For years I've told my friends that refusing to forgive someone is an unhealthy choice and while initially it probably feels good to hold a grudge against someone who has done you wrong, long-term it does nothing for you but make you bitter. Not only that but IF in fact the other person does feel bad, you not forgiving them may prolong that, but not indefinitely. Eventually they will move on realizing there's nothing they can do. Too, as we learned last night, for Christians, forgiving is something we're supposed to do; purposefully not forgiving (and since the act of forgiving is a conscious choice, not forgiving is always purposeful) effects your testimony as well as your own relationship with God.

Whoo. Intense.

Like I said, I've been saying this stuff to my friends for years. So when it came time to put actions behind my words, I completely fell on my face.

Here's the deal: I know a lot of people, but I don't think of myself as having a lot of friends. On facebook, it says I have well over 700 friends -- that's nice, but to tell you who my friends are, that is the people I trust completely, would take all of 5 minutes and about 7 fingers. I've been hurt by "friends" in the past, forgiven (and in some cases, been forgiven) and moved on.

There was a person in my life who had their own category. Not a trusted friend, but someone I did care about and did want the best for. As time had gone on, our relationship became STRESSFUL. It was affecting my grades and most likely, my health. A few weeks ago, this person really hurt me. To be honest, it wasn't any one thing he did in that moment, but it was a culmination of at least 18 months of crap. He knew he upset me and I made it clear that I didn't want anything to do with him. I've been ignoring phone calls and emotional voicemails for weeks. Refusing to talk to him and ESPECIALLY refusing to forgive him.

I kept telling myself that it was because I wasn't ready to talk to him that I couldn't forgive them. I had myself believing that I was just too hurt and too emotional about it. I felt completely justified in what I was doing, because as I told myself, it was high time they felt what I had been feeling.

Pretty childish, right?

I was hurt, I had every right to be, but the lesson last night made me realize that aside from being immature, I wasn't walking the walk. When I got home, my mom asked me what I learned at church. I told her I hadn't learned anything new, but I had gotten a very much needed reminder that it's not enough to KNOW the right answers, you gotta put them into action as well.

My Friends Are Awesome

Continuing on in telling random stories from my past triggered by reading old stuff I wrote, and to counterbalance the "my friends suck" theme from a lot of my recent posts...

At my undergrad, one place we liked to congregate was the dining hall. It was guaranteed that if you walked in between 12:00 and 1:00 the middle of the dining hall would be completely full of black students.

One afternoon, probably during the latter half of the semester and close to finals, I found myself hanging out in the dining hall during an off peak time, between lunch and dinner. It seemed like people I knew kept strolling through and sitting down to talk.

At some point, I found myself at a table with a bunch of people. Some I knew well, some I didn't know well at all. One of the people I didn't know well at all was a girl named Erica. Erica and I had a bunch of mutual friends, but her personality was just a little too much for me to want to incorporate into my daily life.

Eventually, the table cleared out and left myself, Erica and another male friend of mine. At a table next to me were some other people I knew and so I carried on a conversation with them until they left.

When I turned my attention back to my own table, Erica and my friend were mid conversation. For most of the time, Erica kept her head buried in her arms on the table. Occasionally she would look up at my friend, but she never looked at me.

When an opening in the conversation occurred, I took the opportunity to speak to her. What I said, exactly, escapes me now, but I'm sure it was something like "hello."

She lit into me. She started yelling about how she was sick and she didn't want people to talking to her. She yelled specifically at me claiming she had said she was sick and I purposefully ignored that.

I was...well...shocked. I had never experienced anything so suddenly like that. I'd had people lose their minds on me, but never someone I didn't know well, never unprovoked and never so publicly.

I sat there for a moment -- my guy friend and I had the same surprised look on our faces. I gathered my things and left the table.


Later in the day, I was at dinner with some of my closest friends and I relayed the day's bizarre events. One of my friends questioned me extensively about the situation. What, when, where, why... all of that. We all agreed that it was completely ridiculous that someone who didn't want to be bothered by others would camp out in one of the busiest spots on campus. It felt good to vent about the situation and we all went on with our dinner.

The next day, the friend who'd been so inquisitive told me that she and a few others had found Erica later that night and cornered her about the days events. She told me that initially Erica denied that it had happened. She even went so far as to initially deny being in the dining hall that day. Eventually, though, she admitted that she had blown up at me, but she claimed that it wasn't unprovoked.

My friends wouldn't tell me exactly what they said to her -- but they told me she apologized and though I stuck to my vow to never speak to her again, I noted she tried her best to be courteous whenever I was around.

Ahhhh.... it always feels good to have people who have your back.

Motifs

In my AP English class senior year, our teacher assigned each of us a literary element. We were then given a date that we had to teach the class about that literary element. Her teaching tactic worked because I've not forgotten what a motif is.

A motif is a recurring theme in a story. I have several motifs in my life and in thinking about one that has popped up in almost literally every stage of my life that I can recall, I remembered an ironic story...

From pre-school up until I went to a private school in 8th grade, I had 3 best friends. One's name was Jackie. She and I were very close for a long time. Even as we grew up and discovered that we were very different, our history of friendship kept us close.

Being older now, I can imagine that Jackie spent a lot of time back then defending our friendship. Because we were very different and had different interests, we actually spent a lot of time in our own groups of friends but Jackie and I had been friends since pre-school. We were friends because...well..we just were.

I also imagine that it was her defense led to a very awkward situation...

I had tried hanging out with Jackie and her friends but for the most part, they didn't get my jokes and found my sarcasm (which yes, I was perfecting at even age 12) annoying. Jackie used to press me to spend more time with them. I think she thought that if they got to know me, they'd like me.

7th grade was the year my friends and I started pairing off. I had a huge crush on this boy named Dennis, but of course, Dennis liked Jackie. The three of us and a bunch of our friends had a morning class together and, as best as 12 year olds could, Dennis spent a lot of time flirting with Jackie. Dennis, of course, had his own crew of friends including one guy, Charles.

Charles, at the time, was annoyingly awkward. He lacked heavily in the charm department and he didn't seem to know it. Of course, most 12 year old boys fit this bill so in regards to that, he was average. Charles was also in the morning class we had and he would often, as best as 12 year olds could, attempt to flirt with me. I didn't dislike Charles, but I didn't like him either. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, so I would entertain the mindless chatter (yes, even at 12 I was like that).

It didn't take long before someone came up with the bright idea that all of Dennis's friends and Jackie's friends should pair off. I'm sure I don't need to tell you who I got pushed towards.

I was nice, and back then even a little shy, but I wasn't stupid and I wasn't pairing off with Charles. I didn't like him, he annoyed me and I was embarassed that my "friends" thought that was ok. My choice to not go along to get along pretty much cemented that Jackie's friends would never warm up to me and I was ok with that because, even at 12, I knew it had nothing to do with 2 friend units coming together and had everything to do with embarassing me.

The summer after my first year in college was an interesting one. The summer before, my best friend had completely and abruptly stopped talking to me. Even now as I type this (and as I've mentioned before) I have no idea why, though I've surmised many reasons over the years. In any case, this meant that that summer I was spending a lot more time with "other" friends. My pride and feelings were hurt because not only had I lost a close friend, I'd lost other close friends in the process and I didn't know why. Friends I'd had long before I met the BFF who had become friends of hers chose her over me (when, in fact, I would have been fine with maintaining a friendship with them).

I'd also, that summer, tried to reopen communication lines. I felt that maybe a year at school had done us both some good and maybe she was ready to open up to me. I'd managed to get her talking to me, on occasion, via AIM and this one particular night I took advantage of that.

She and I had been talking for about 15 minutes when I got a phone call from one of the aforementioned friends who I hadn't seen in almost a year (outside of places like church where we were bound to run into each other). I had definitely not hung out with her since the summer before. I was a little confused, but answered the phone anyway.

She was calling to invite me over to yet another MIA friend's house. She said something about they were hanging out and wondered if I was free and wanted to come over.

I need to reiterate that the former BFF, and these 2 were tied at the hip. Somewhere inside I know I hoped that that former BFF would show up as well. Maybe this was some intervention, I thought. I told the former BFF where I was going, to end the conversation and I rushed out of the house.

When I got there, the 2 girls told me why they had really invited me over: Earlier in the day while they were out, they met 3 guys. Each of them had taken a liking to one of the guys and invited all 3 over. Of course, with there being only 2 of them they needed a third person.

It didn't take me long to start wondering why they called me instead of any of the other girls they knew. Why me of all people? The girl they hadn't bothered to call or spend time with in a year. I was upset, embarassed and my feelings were hurt. I wasn't sure if they were trying to play a game on me. But, wanting to believe that people are inherently good, I stuck around to see who would show up.

When the 3 guys came in, it was quickly clear who was the 3rd one -- the one for me. He was a little awkward. He also looked a little familiar to me, but I couldn't place it. The guys sat on one couch across from us and we started talking. We each introduced ourselves one person at a time, one fact at a time and so I slowly was able to gather where I knew this guy from. Even though he told me his name was Charles from the outset, it took me a few rounds of introductions to realize it was the same Charles that Jackie's friends had tried to set me up with years before.

The longer it's been since that happened and the more I've learned about people, the more irony I've seen in the situation. I don't doubt for one second that it didn't take tweedledee and tweedledum too long to decide I'd be the girl, of all their friends, they would call. Just like I know it didn't take Jackie's minions long to decide who they would dump on Charles the first go-round.

There are several motifs within these two stories that continue to show up in my life. Including subpar friends, guys I don't want and the way females like to get you back -- even when you don't know what you did. I like to think I get better and better at dealing with them with every go-round.

Oh and when I returned home that night after a very less than stellar evening, I found the former BFF had sent me an IM after I left. She told me that talking to me brought up painful memories for her and that it would be best if we didn't talk anymore. I wasn't able to shake the feeling that I'd been set up from the jump.

When to Play the Hokey Pokey...

No, not like Trina means...

We all remember the hokey pokey, right?

You put your right hand in
You put your right hand out
You put your right hand in
And you shake it all about
You do the hokey pokey
And you turn yourself around
That's what it's all about!

I got to thinking about this earlier today when one of my friends said, "at some point, you gotta get real with people."

A while ago, I talked about the back and forth I was doing with myself about whether or not to express my true feelings to a friend about her relationship. Ultimately I decided,

What's important to me, though is that she see what I'm talking about for herself. It's not enough for me to tell her -- she'll never learn the lesson life is trying to teach her -- but I don't want her to get hurt cause this guy is a jerk.

In other words, she's my friend and I care, but I'm a firm believer that there are just some lessons you can't be taught by outsiders. You have to learn them by going through them.

Now, some of us are less hard headed than others and we're quick on the uptake. Others of us (me) have to be knocked around a few times, especially if it requires relinqushing things we think we should have. But either way, there are just some lessons life has to teach us and no matter how much our friends want to change that, they can't.

So when my friend said, "at some point, you gotta be real with people... in talking about the same friend, I started to agree with that, but I got to thinking... is it "at some point" or "in some cases?" Is it that every time one of your friends is trippin, there comes a time where you have to, as a good friend, let them know? Or is it only in some cases? I think it's the latter. I think that sometimes we have to step aside and let folks fall on their faces. Sometimes they'll get up, brush the dirt off and never step in that hole again, but other times they'll jump right back in and we have to let them.

I believe this is so because I also believe you can't help someone who doesn't want help. And even sometimes the people who ask for help don't really want it. When a friend asks you to help them understand why they keep falling down, you can point out that there's a hole in their path and they will be receptive (that is, look down and see the hole). On the flip side, trying to convince someone there's a hole in their path when they didn't ask, and don't see anything wrong...well that's a bit harder.

SO... is it "at some point" or "in some cases?"

A.Smith Rant

I was having a good day today. You know what? I'm still having a good day. I made a few active decisions, including blocking people on gchat and ignoring messages, so I'm having a good day still, but I got some stuff to get off my chest.

Ahem...

First off, I really hate being told to calm down. In fact, 98% of the time, I'm not riled up and telling me to calm down, effectively pisses me off and makes me not want to deal with you. In other words, telling me to calm down makes me....well... not calm.

For starters, I am a calm person. It's one of the things people tell me they like about me. Therefore, it would stand to reason that a person would almost never need to tell me to calm down. If I'm typically calm, then when I'm not calm, it would seem it would be with reason, right? In that case it would be inappropriate to tell me not to have an uncalm reaction to a situation that illicits an uncalm reaction. That's like telling a person not to cry when their mother dies. Or not to leap for joy when they get a raise. Or not to be angry when their dog chews up their favorite pair of shoes. Where do we get off telling people how to feel?

Further, I've repeatedly discovered that people tell me (and others) to "calm down" because they've been caught in something. Maybe they jumped to a conclusion and got a response that didn't hesitate to let them know they were wrong.

Instead of saying "my bad" these assholes say, "calm down."

No, you calm down. You calm down, re-read, or re-listen and let's try again you misquoting, misunderstanding, jerkface.

::deep sigh::

Ok. That's it. I'm done with this. I've said my piece and I'm going to go formulate some ways to let folks know not to tell me to calm down that don't involve cussing and yelling...