Something That Upsets Me

I hate being taken advantage of.

The only thing I hate more than that is someone I care about taking advantage of me.

It's unfortunate that I hate that so much because it happens all the time.

It upsets me so much because of how giving I am of myself and my time. It's so important to me that those around me -- the ones I care about -- know that if I have it, they have it. Unfortunately, people see that and they think it's a free for all. My generosity isn't going anywhere but some people act like if they don't take it all right now they won't get any, and they keep taking and taking and...

But you know what, I keep giving and giving. I got so fed up with the cycle that I wrote an open letter to my friends a few months ago.

Some things changed, but not enough. I have a tendency to put all that back on myself. I see how I put myself in a position to be used and I critique my own decisions and I come to the conclusion that hey -- if I want things to be different, I need to make different decisions. I'm sure a lot of you agree with that.

But you know what? That's bullshit. It's true, but it's some unfortunate bullshit all the same. Why do I have to be careful? Huh? Why can't these people around me pause for a second and say...hey...wait a minute... Ashley is ALWAYS giving and on point and there for me so why can't I press pause and be appreciative instead of expectant? Thankful instead of needy? I begin to feel like that's the only way I can be in some folks life -- if I'm doing something for them. Oh, I know the right answer: if they only want me around because I can do things for them, then I need to keep on moving. Uh-huh. Yeah. I got it, but it's how I feel all the same.

I guess just like it is me to be giving, it is some people to be selfish.

In any case, that's what upsets me. Being taken advantaged of. Knowing that a person is only interacting with me because they need something and, going a little bit further, almost being unable to stop myself from giving them exactly what they want. And let me be clear -- sometimes folks can feel that I'm getting frustrated so they pull back. Ashley's getting mad, so I won't ask her to do this -- that's not it. It's the lack of appreciation shown and the expectation that just because you asked me to do something I will.

I have finals coming up and any free time I can find, I need -- but I will use that spare time to do anything a friend needs me to and do so gladly when that friend is appreciative and I know that if the tables were turned, they'd do the same for me.

Taking advantage of someone or something has a lot of moving parts and I'm painfully aware of them all because that upsets me.