Thinking...

I've done too many posts on "The Ex" to count, or even really to link here. But for anyone who might need to catch up quickly, check this one out.

I've spent the last week at home with my mother. It's been a well-deserved and very much needed time away from my life and all the craziness in it. Before I came down, I had a brief facebook exchange with The Ex's brother and I told him that if I could, I would visit. The Ex's family lives a little less than 2 hours from my mother. It wouldn't be totally outside the realm of possibilities for me to make a day trip down. I haven't seen his mother and brother in over a year, and I haven't seen his father in a little over a year and a half. It would be so nice to see them all -- however, I made no such trip.

This afternoon, I made a pit stop at home in the middle of a very busy day of visiting people. On my bed was a card. It had The Ex's family's picture on top and a brief synopsis of what's been going on with each of them. His mother sends these cards out during Christmas time, so my first thought was "this is either very early or very late..." Turns out, it was the latter. When I flipped the envelope over, I saw that it had been mailed to my mom's old address. I guess she just found it now that she's over in the old house cleaning it up, readying it for a new tenant (oh gosh, that's a whole other story...)

I've actually been thinking about The Ex a whole lot. We had a brief exchange a few weeks ago while he was visiting his family and I, ironically, was in what is now his home city, over 1200 miles away. What little we did talk about was fraught with unsaid thoughts and feelings. All of our interactions in the last 6 - 8 months have been like that. I have a lot I want to tell him, but I don't think any of it is appropriate, right now.

I've been trying to avoid contacting his mother, for a myriad of reasons, but I felt that I should let her know of my mother's new address. I don't know what will happen -- her e-mail replies to me have always been short and sweet, so I doubt this will lead to any continued e-mail exchange, however, it will be interesting to see what she says (or asks)...

I gotta get "The Series" back going, so you guys can see how all this plays out...

Fear Not

Those who follow me on Twitter know I'm here.

Those who don't may think I've abandoned it.

I'm trying to pull it together, but failing. Hopefully next week I can crank out some real posts (while, ironically, I'm on vacation).

In the meantime, check out the blogs I'm reading everyday.

This May Concern You
-Doesn't matter if it's serious or not, Damon/Monica always have a quality and thought-provoking open letter.

A Belle in Brooklyn
-Relative to most of the commenters, I'm a newbie, but I lurked for a while before I began commenting. Belle is a great writer and her posts are also very thought provoking.

What Would Thembi Do
-Seriously, I love Thembi. Her knowledge of black pop culture is vast and amazing and I love it!

Jack & Jill Politics
-Very smart people post and comment here. I've learned a lot just reading the comments and engaging in discussions.

Necole Bitchie
-Twitter usually feeds me enough random info about who's doing who with whom and for how long, but Necole is always there to fill in the gaps.

Tha Feedback
-I check out The IPS's commentary on songs I've already heard and video's I've already seen because I love it.

The Outlook
-Ok, it's my other blog. I don't update it regularly, but what is there is quality stuff. If you haven't read any of the (very) old posts, please do. It's worthwhile.

And as ALWAYS there are the archived posts here. Allow me to recommend:

High Standards
-Sometimes, I just can't take how much people want.

You Think Your Thoughts and I'll Think Mine
-Taking a walk in someone else's shoes never became so real.

Haters
-Definitely the most overused and misused phrase in mainstream popular culture. What is a hater and what do we do with them?

Girlfriend Friends
-Lets face it, girls are not easy to have as friends.

I Need To Get Out of This Box
-Let me be different.

Of course there's also the Series to catch up on (or just re-read, because if you're like me, you've forgotten half of it), and a handful of stories I may or may not have told over the last year.

Hope this ties everyone over until I can get my A game back on. I have much to share and much to tell and definitely a whole lot of thoughts to get out. I've been working on a lot of short stories, and I'm hoping to be able to share one with you in the very near future.

Black Students Stepping Up For Black Students

Check out my commentary on the Chanequa Campbell situation.

http://theoutlook.wordpress.com/2009/07/24/black-students-stepping-up-for-black-students/

#InHighSchool

Anyone who's not up on twitter... whatever. Keep moving.

Those who are, a)Follow Me and b)did you keep up with the #inhighschool trending topic yesterday? Luvvie suggested everyone post them on their blogs. I thought it was a great idea, so here we go...

#inhighschool...

-My nickname was Smash and I have no idea why...
My advisor in 10th grade (yes, we had those in my high school) was the head football coach. He started the name and the name stuck; it even followed me to college. I have no idea why he picked that name (he had a daughter with the same first name as me and he called her that, but it made sense... she played volleyball...) for me but hey, I've heard way worse.

-I learned that white people and black people are alot alike. But in 11th grade I learned they threw way better parties!
Some of the best parties I've been to, period, were thrown by white folks. I don't know what it is about black folks but we get uptight when it comes time to party. We get worried about who's gonna be there and how we look and all that to the point that we suck all the fun right out. White folks party to let loose and have fun. Don't get me wrong; I know black folks know how to have fun (hey, my family reunions are the business) but social gatherings of friends/people you kinda know are always better when the white folks throw 'em (maybe it's the free alcohol that entices me, I don't know).

- One of my friends said to me: "Don't think cause you're the VP I won't assassinate you"
I was elected VP of the student body for my senior year in high school (I later went on to become President when the elected President was relieved of his duties... more of that amazing white people partying....) Right after the election results were released, I was walking to class and passed this friend. All day people had been congratulating me and I was sorta getting tired of saying thanks (though I truly was appreciative). He probably said something to me and in turn I had a snarky response so he said that... 6 years later and I remember it and still laugh. In fact, I included it in the yearbook as one of my favorite quotes.

- I had my first drink
Self explanatory; by the time I got to college, I was all over the whole drunk thing.

-I had 2 BFFs and I thought we would all live happily ever after; then life happened
I spent my entire junior and most of senior year in a 3 person group that became known as the 3 Musketeers. Everyone called us that, even teachers. If we were seen without one (or seen alone) we were always asked "where are the rest..." Shortly after graduation, one of them quit talking to me. She wouldn't respond to my phone calls or texts and I quickly realized that she had washed her hands of me (as she had done our other friend a few months earlier). Even today, I can only speculate as to why. The other one and I still speak and remain close.

-I didn't always make it to school on time (during jr and sr years) but I always made it for lunch.
My mom was a little too trusting (but hey, my grades never suffered, I was popular and very involved so she clearly didn't make a mistake). She'd come into my room some mornings (I left, if I was going to school on time, before she did) and say "why aren't you up?" I'd make up something about having a free period or a late day and go back to sleep. I never skipped a full day (except for Senior skip day) without a good reason. I'd usually be on campus by the period before my lunch.
The crazy thing was we had to have re-admit slips to get back into class. You had to bring a note signed by your parent to the dean's office and get a slip to have signed by all your teachers who's class you had missed (this showed them that you'd been okayed by the dean for missing class). If I even bothered to go get a readmit (which I rarely did) the note was forged. Most of us had done that at one point or another and during graduation one of my classmates admitted this to the dean's assistant. Her simple reply? "I know." LOL.

-I was uber involved
My senior year I was student body President, held two senior positions in our community service program, sat on a panel of teachers and students (all chosen by administration), president of the largest club, and I'm sure I did whole lot of other ish that 5 years later I can't remember. I was OVER-involved is a more accurate expression of what I had going on, but you know what, I loved it, even when I was stressed... I felt super connected to my school and like what I said mattered. The flip side, though, is I was burned out by the time it was all over. In college I was a bum and by my high school standards not very involved at all.

-I used my position to get some of my friends out of trouble.
I also used it to get myself out of trouble. One story that comes to mind is when a friend of mine (he eventually became my b/f then my ex and I've talked about him ad nauseum here) was accused of mistreating one of the kids we worked with at our community service sites. At my high school, comm. service was a HUGE deal, so this could've had major repercussions. I went to bat for him and argued that the whole thing had been blown out of proportion and that I would monitor his behavior. He escaped the axe that day, but I wasn't around to help him out when it came around the second time. He deserved it, though.

-I fenced
Yes; I did.

-We had a big screen tv in the student center that was always on SportsCenter in the morning.
Umm... self-explanatory. All of us had to do an afterschool activity and for most of us that meant a sport (I did service)... so it was acceptable to the vast majority of us.

Focus HERE

Best Friend
Uploaded by ice1906. - Explore more music videos.

When I opened up a new post, my intentions were to lament for a few lines about how much some of my friends suck sometimes; how they take, take, take and don't give. I've done quite a few posts on how much I love music and so that explains why I always like to include a song that helps set the mood for the post. I've been playing Brandy's Never S-A-Y Never (Human was a great album, but in my opinion she's yet to top NSN) lately and so I went to find the video for Sittin' On Top of the World and all I could find were live performances. I really just wanted the video so I kept looking and as I looked through Brandy's videos on youtube I found one of a recent performance where she does a medley of Sittin' On Top of the World and Best Friend... and it all clicked for me.

I've done enough blog posts here about 'em and so I've done enough focusing on those in my life who seem to only want to take from me. They're not bad people and with many of them I have some really good memories and I look forward to making more; however, I do allow them to take and at some point I must take responsibility for that. Lamenting and feeling sorry for myself is not the way to do that.

One thing I am going to do, however, is focus on those in my life who give to me more than I feel they take. The first one I think of is my BFF, J. Over the last year I've come to really appreciate him. I know that when I call, I'm a priority. He knows the same about me. I know that he really cares about what's happening in my life and that my happiness is important to him; he knows the same about me. In fact, it's a conversation we had a little over a year ago that rings in my ear whenever I'm feeling upset or sad about some of the people I allow in my space. In the conversation, J told me how much it upset him to see me upset because of the way people treated me. "I told you to stay away from them, but because that's where you wanted to be, I supported you," he said. "But now, you're just pissing me off. Stop letting them upset you because it's upsetting me and that pisses me off..." Maybe it's because we have always implicitly understood each other but I got exactly what he said -- and he did say a lot.

1) Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame one me...

2) Real friends are concerned with your happiness. Period.

3) Real friends won't let other people take their spot if they know they're not good for you, but...

4) Real friends also accept that what you want is what you want and will be as supportive as they can.

I tell J every chance I get that I love him and I truly do. Everybody deserves a BFF like that. Everybody -- and I need to be that type of BFF back to him instead of trying to give it to people who don't want it.

I <3 Music

NE-YO ft Peedi Peedi - Stay
Uploaded by chanmany. - See the latest featured music videos.

It took me a minute before I realized this song was about music (yes, even though he says "music" at the end of the song)...

Over the past couple of weeks I've been jotting down some thoughts I have about what I feel about music. I've wanted to do a lot of things with my life. I know there's one path in life that I'd be particularly great in; however, I've always had a love for music that I had a hard time explaining. I don't play an instrument (though I did take piano for years -- I quit because I hated practicing), can't sing and though I've tried, couldn't make a "beat" if my life depended on it (man, that's way harder than you might think). I still have always wanted to be involved in music, and so I figured a role in A&R would be perfect for me (I still do, btw...). Anyway, here's the whole shebang I've written out thus far. It's mostly just as it looks in my blackberry, but I edited it some and made it look pretty for all of you...

I think I like music so much because it let's me feel. The right song can have me nodding my head subconsciously. The right song can speak to my heart and make me feel something so deeply inside.

One time I told my ex that I missed him in a place I couldn't get to. It ached - it was like an itch I couldn't find. That's how music can make me feel sometimes.

Sometimes it can give me words I didn't know I had. It can help me name what's wrong and how I feel and what I need. Music makes the nonsense so clear sometimes

Music is the one thing that has made me feel ok to cry. I'll never forget putting "Miss You So Much" by TLC on repeat shortly after getting their CD. I don't know why, but it made me think about my father it really made me realize that I did miss him and it hurt how much I missed him. I didn't understand why he wasn't there and I cried. I cried hard. That's been the only time I've cried about him and his absence (it hasn't stopped hurting though).

When it's me and the music I know I can be emotionally raw. I can sit in a room with music and whatever I do, whatever my reaction is is ok. Music doesn't ask me why or need to know the backstory. It just sits there and let's me do it.

Oh and the passion. I loved someone, once, with as much passion as you hear in all the good music. I miss that passion so much and I've found it again in the music. The only problem is that it's not my passion. It's always meant for someone else.

I have spent a long time perfecting my emotional wall. It's perfect. Most people can't even see it, at least not at first. But then it's all they see and I can never not have it when they're around. That's not the case with music. It doesn't see a wall because truly when I'm with it, there is no wall, can be no wall.

Sometimes I hear just the right song at just the right time and my heart is so relieved. It's hard maintaining a stoic front. People say they want the softer side of me, but when it shows they rebuff it. This is partly because I spend so much time hiding it but at the same time it makes me want to keep hiding it.

Sometimes it's not even the words, it's the note. The note sounds like how I feel and so the song is how I feel.

This is still a work in progress, but it wasn't until I started writing this that I realized where my love for music comes from...

My Youtube Debut Part Deux

3-Way Friendships

I seem to always find myself in 3-person friendship groups. As I think back, I can take this assessment all the way back to elementary school.

Today, I had 2 of my 3-way friendships give me a little trouble. The one that's working my nerves the most involves one person stepping in on my behalf with the other. In sum, I feel like my friendship with one of them is changing. It's changing because she's the type of person that views relationships as a bit more dynamic and fluid than many others do. I have the option to say "hey, that's not how I get down" and walk away, but I don't really mind it. I think the other person in our 3-way friendship, who is new to the equation, thinks she's part of the reason our relationship is going through a bit of an ebb, right now. She's not -- and even if she was, it's still not her place to fix it.

I don't want people to call me or interact with me because they've been forced to. I don't want to be seen as a big bad wolf that you have to have someone speak to on your behalf.

In a much bigger way, I'm one of those people that would rather sit back and watch the chips fall and work it from there rather than make the chips go where I think they should. I think that's like asking for trouble and I don't need any trouble...

My Youtube Debut

I've officially made it so I can never run for public office.

Jill and I did two videos, I'll post the next video when she does.

MJ - The Man, The Icon, The Legend

I'd be remiss to not say anything on the ol' blog about Michael Jackson. At the same time, what can I say that hasn't been said? The timing of his death is ironic -- Thembi said what I'd been thinking and that's that he died before he could make his true "comeback" whether it would've been during his 50-date tour in London or if it would've been some other time... I think we were all, whether vocal critics, or silent supporters, waiting on him to snap out of it and get back to the MJ we all loved and revered.

Maybe what we all failed to realize was that in being as amazing as he was, he had to give a whole lot of himself including what some of us might call his sanity. In any case, no matter what, Michael Jackson leaves a legacy that deserves respect. As much as it broke my heart to see pictures of him in the last decade, to watch his physical appearance change so drastically as if he hated everything he was, that was his life and those were his demons. They weren't for me or anyone else to comment on, though -- because we all felt we could -- we did anyway.

Now that he's gone, I'm interested in watching the way the mainstream media (MSM), who as Rippa points out, was so much a part of MJ's downfall, will give him respect while taking it away all at the same time. Whether he "got off" for crimes he actually committed or not -- none of that has bearing on the amazing musical genius he was or what sort of everlasting effect his efforts will have on music forevermore. Unfortunately there are some out there who will try their darndest to make sure it does.

Ultimately, I say nevermind to all of them. The truth of the matter is, if we all really do start with the "Man in the Mirror" we'll find that probably in our own sort of way, we weren't all that much better than they were at times.

R.I.P. Michael -- it doesn't matter if they give you your props today or 20 years from now, because your work will forevermore, as it always has, speak volumes for itself.

Say What You Mean

So I was pretty sure I'd found my bloggin' steeze again... I was so wrong. It's the summer, man; I'm hot HOT and hot...

I'm pretty sure I'm the worst stickler ever for this. Please say what you mean and mean what you say. PLEASE.

But at the least, I need you to let what you say and what you do match up. Lord bless it -- I can't DEAL with people who say one thing and do another all the time.

I have a friend who's really bad affinity for saying one thing and doing another has been highlighted in her efforts to get out of a relationship. Quite frankly, the relationship is abusive, but that's another conversation. Anywho, she's saying all the right things. She sounds so emotionally drained, so tired, so disgusted with it all -- so ready to G-O. But when it comes time to put feet to words, she's got nothing. There is no change, there is little action.

And I don't know how many of you have walked through the break-up process with a friend, but while it's not as draining on you as it is on them (obviously) if you're at all emotionally invested in them, it's hard. If you're me, you're probably a little too emotionally invested and so EVERY time we talk about this, she's ready to go and I'm ready tos upport but she backpedals. She won't follow through and now I'M tired and I'M disgusted with it all. Quite frankly this portion of our relationship has gotten a little abusive...

What I really don't understand is how you can be at that point -- the one where you're ready to G-O no matter what it takes -- and then you don't follow through. What's that about?

I Need to Get Out of this Box

This morning, my status says:

Don't put me in a box. Give me a chance to be different than I used to be and make choices I haven't made before (though on occasion they may just be actions and choices you've never seen me do or make).

In high school I had a friend who hated being predictable. She got some sort of joy out of knowing that she led you to think she'd do one thing but ended up doing something completely opposite. It seemed she enjoyed this so much that she would go out of her way to see this happen.

The problem was, in a lot of cases, she was predictable -- perhaps because I had gotten to know her pretty well. I figured out that if I told her I knew what she was going to do, she'd always switch it up; if I left well enough alone and especially if I acted surprised at her doing exactly what I thought she'd do -- my predictions usually came to fruition.

Now, these weren't out of the ordinary things. It wasn't like I was predicting her life; they were simple things like me following up her telling me she had done something with "oh, I knew you'd do that..." or if (for example) she walked into class and I handed her a pen saying "I bet you don't have one..." -- those types of things seemed to really irk her.

I never understood it and found it extremely frustrating feeling like I couldn't express how well I felt like we knew each other. I feel like we're all looking for people who can get to know us very well and know the things that make us tick and make us happy; the things that bring joy to our lives as well as frustrate us.

This morning, as I was getting ready for work, I start thinking back to a conversation I had yesterday. In that conversation a friend made a comment about my future, definitively. This morning it occurred to me that I didn't like how she put me in a box; how she used a few choices I've made in the past to tell me what my future would look like; essentially I didn't like that she wasn't leaving it open for me to change and be different.

As I started thinking about how I might turn this into a blog post (because we all know, I'm looking for my blogging steeze) I remembered how I felt about my friend who didn't like being predictable -- but I still felt like my issue wasn't the same as hers. It doesn't bother me when my mom calls me while I'm packing for a trip and asks "did you remember to pack socks?" because she knows I usually do forget.

I started a new school in the 8th grade. During one of my first weeks there, I walked up on a group of students and joined their conversation by asking them what they were talking about. One of the girls said, "Oh, we're talking about a band you probably wouldn't know about..." From her tone of voice, I could tell she didn't really mean anything by it, but I was still slightly offended. Give me a chance to tell you what I do and don't know, I thought. They band they were talking about was Fleetwood Mac and because I had an unhealthy obsession with all things VH1 at that time, I knew a fair amount about Fleetwood Mac. Years later, after this girl and I had become really close, I reminded her of this story. She denied it, probably having a hard time believing that she would've ever doubted that I had a knowledge of music that crossed stereotypical boundaries.

My issue begins when people don't let me be new. We're all learning, everyday, and sometimes we're lucky enough to realize that what we've been doing, be it for a few days or a few years, just isn't working and we're ready to do something else. I want to feel like no one's got me pegged for anything -- that's how we miss out on opportunities to try something new -- it's bad enough we box ouselves in, but aren't our friends supposed to be the ones trying to open our eyes to new possibilities?

Look What I Found

Still searching for my blog steeze...

Here are some gems I've found on the 'net today. Check back, as I'm sure I'll update this before the day's over with

It's Hammer Time!



Second, we have a story from Politico a Hill newspaper.

If you want to score a meeting with Rep. Jim McDermott (D-Wash.), know this: His scheduler/office manager, Elizabeth Becton, is to be addressed by her full name — not Liz or any other variant.

An executive assistant at McBee Strategic recently learned this the hard way. A few weeks ago, the assistant e-mailed Becton seeking a meeting with McDermott and a client, JPMorgan Chase. Days later, the assistant checked back in and unfortunately began the e-mail with “Hi Liz.”

Becton curtly replied, “Who is Liz?”

When the assistant wrote back with an apology, Becton turned up the heat. “I do not go by Liz. Where did you get your information?” she asked.

The back-and-forth went on for 19 e-mails, with the assistant apologizing six times if she had “offended” Becton, while Becton lectured about name-calling.
Becton told the assistant that if someone said using “Liz” was acceptable, then “they are not your friend”, and “If I wanted you to call me by any other name, I would have offered that to you.” Plus, it’s “rude when people don’t even ask permission and take all sorts of liberties with your name,” she said, adding: “Please do not ever call me by a nickname again.”

But the tirade didn’t end there. Becton continued her riff — responding that the assistant “got played” by someone who was trying to “tick” Becton off. Becton’s final, searing missive stated: “In the future, you should be VERY careful about such things. People like to brag about their connections in D.C. It’s a pastime for some. It’s also dangerous to eavesdrop, as you have just found out. Quit apologizing and never call me anything but Elizabeth again. Also, make sure you correct anyone who attempts to call me by any other name but Elizabeth. Are we clear on this? Like I said, it’s a hot button for me. And please don’t call the office and not leave a message. My colleague told me you called while I was away. ... I do sometimes leave my desk.”

McDermott spokesman Mike DeCesare told us Tuesday, “An apology is being issued as we speak,” adding, “This isn’t reflective of the way we do business in this office.”

Source Be sure you follow the source link to read the e-mail exchange as well as the comments.

I Can't Tell You Why

I'm losing my blogging steeze. I'm going to blame twitter. I owe you guys about 3 weeks worth of Throwback Tuesdays and I'm late on this week's installment of The Series; we'll hit the reset button on all of that next week.

The Eagles -- great band

I Can't Tell You Why - Eagles
Uploaded by fuzz59. - See the latest featured music videos.

I got my inspiration for this post from Damon at This May Concern You; I've linked his blog here before. He and Monica consistently come up with quality letters addressed to a variety of people, all of whom need a word or two to direct them in the right direction. Yesterday's letter was to "People Who Question Why" In the comments, I said:

This is reminiscent of a conversation I just had with a friend a couple of days ago. She kept asking me a question (”why” was ultimately the question) and I kept answering it, but I wasn’t giving her the answer she was expecting so she kept saying “you’re not answering my question…”

If you’re going to ask why, then be prepared for WHATEVER the answer is, don’t go fishing for what you hope it is or want it to be; that’s how mistakes happen.

Years ago, I remember someone telling me that one of the first rules of being a lawyer is never asking a question you don't already known the answer to. This makes sense; lawyers ask questions to make points, not to inform themselves. When I started thinking, today, more about the question "why" and why we ask it, it occurred to me that most often we ask "why" thinking we already know the answer. We're asking "why" to prove a point; sometimes to prove that what the other person has to say isn't true or that they don't know what they're talking about.

I mentioned in an earlier comment on this post that I have a friend who drives me CRAZY asking me "why." One of her pet peeves is comments with no explanation, but in turn she drives me crazy always needing to know the ins and outs of my thought process. One thing I can admit, though, is how she's shown me how often I make statements without thinking them through completely. However, I often feel like her inquisitions aren't simply her way of getting to the bottom of what I think, or understanding my thought processes. Sometimes she asks because she's sure I have nothing to back my statement up and she's ready to pounce.

I want to spend the next week monitoring how often I feel like someone's asking me to explain something, though they think they already know the answer AND monitoring myself to see how often I ask questions thinking I know the answer already.

Whining, Cell phones and alone time

I've been in a funk today. I feel like I'm suffocating in the negativity of my friends and all their issues. It gets to me sometimes. But then I read one of my friend's new blog posts and I had to put it in perspective...

Bottom line: I may be in a funk, but I can't be for long because there are too many things in my life to be excited about.

One of my twitfolk posted a tweet that mentioned they couldn't find their iPhone and they weren't upset about it. Reminded me of...

Story time boys and girls...

I got my first phone in 2003. I've had a new phone every calendar year since then. Fear not, one day I'm sure I'll feel obliged to share what each one of those phones were. But I won't bore you today.

In the summer of 2007 I had a phone that I'd wanted for so long. A Motorola SLVR

I also had a job that involved me spending the workday outside. All day -- riding around in a pickup truck (one day we'll also discuss my LOVE of pickup trucks). I was in and out of the truck, climbing up on it, around it, on trees and poles all day. After one of my escapades, I got back in the truck and realized I didn't have my phone. It had fallen out of it's holster (something that happened a lot -- I'd told myself I needed to go find a better holster for it). I panicked. I drove back to every place I'd stopped searching frantically for it. I couldn't breathe -- I could only imagine all the text messages and pictures and videos and EVERYTHING I'd just lost...

I drove straight home to report the phone stolen. I went back to work, still panicking inside.

It was a Friday afternoon, so the fastest a phone would get to me was Monday. How would I stay in touch between Friday and Monday, I wondered.

When it was all said and done, those were the best 2.5 days of my life. Once I got over the shock of not having a phone, I was able to relax. No phone calls, no text messages.... nothing. I went to bed earlier, I got plenty of rest and I felt liberated...

Recently I repeated this -- I turned my phone off, laid it on my bed and didn't touch it for a week. The first couple of days were odd, but then I got used to going to bed a realistic times and not having the stress of everyone else's life on mine. It was BEAUTIFUL. Maybe another break is what the Dr's ordering right now.

The Series on Monday

This (never ending) story is true. Happened to me between 2002 and 2007.

Refresh Yourself

Part 12

JD and I had planned much of our summer together, ahead of time. Two weekends after his visit, I was supposed to spend a weekend with him and his family. A week went by and I heard nothing from him. It took a lot of will power to not call or e-mail him. I just wanted to know that he was thinking about me and that he would call me back.

The second week was harder than the first. Half way through, I gave up waiting and sent him a text message with a made up story about having to get confirmation on our plans for that weekend so I could tell my mother. He immediately called me back. He sounded irritated. He told me that he knew I knew that our plans were still on and that he would call me that Thursday, as he had been planning to do, to set up times and specifics.

I went down to visit him and our weekend was great. He told me that the 2 weeks we didn’t speak were really hard for him, too. I had a hard time believing that it was anything close to hard, but it made me feel good to hear him say that, so I accepted it. However, I wanted him to know what it really was like to have someone say they didn’t want to speak to you. So as I left him that Sunday, I told him that I needed a break as well. I told him I’d call him when I was ready.

My will to resist him, in almost every way, was non-existent. I made it 2 days and caved. When he picked up, he sounded surprised. I told him that I thought about all I needed to and didn’t see any reason to drag out the inevitable.

It was a rough summer with him. I had all these feelings and had gone through all these emotions that I’d never experienced before. I thought, coming out of it, we were stronger and closer. I loved him and could even see myself with him for a very long time.

I Win. It's What I Do

A few nights ago I said:

what i'm saying, in very simple terms, is that i like to win and if you're going to associate yourself with me, you'll also have to like to win. We always win. Why? Cause it's just what we do. And so, we don't speak in terms of things not working out because they always do Why? Cause we win. Now if this winning concept is foreign to you, let me know. I can explain it.

It all started in college when the BFF and I realized we're winners (<<<---tongue in cheek, guys). Anyway, I share this with you to tell the following, light-hearted and purposeless tale:
On Monday afternoon, while cheering on co-workers at a softball game, my phone:



started up with it's usual b.s., moving slowly, not responding -- being a jerk -- and I got upset... pushed a little too hard... and felt the screen give way under my thumb.... the crack spread out like a spider web and my heart was crushed....

My heart was more crushed because I knew that when I called the insurance company for a new phone, it'd be my second claim in 12 months and I knew that would be a problem.

Now, as an aside, my screen is not as bad as this picture. In fact, it's just the LCD screen on top that's broken, but I still can't deal with the fact that my precious phone is marred. Not to mention, my life runs on this phone (and other gadgets, I'm such a gadget whore) and "I got no patience and I hate waiting..." My spirits were lifted when the fellow behind the counter informs me that they've discontinued making my phone, and the new one is a phone that I vaguely remember seeing blurbs about on various techy boards I frequently lurk. The HTC Fuze:



I go home, disappointed that I must deal with Mr. Cracked Screen another few days, but excited about a new gadget... I've had this one since August and did I mention I'm a tech whore geek? So the thought of having a new toy excited me immensely.

I note my phone call to the insurance company is interesting. There are a few more prompts than last time, and there's also the part where I'm reminded that if I'm filing a false or fraudulent claim I could be prosecuted...

I give all the information to the nice lady who is also breathing funny and clearly reading from a book/screen/manual. She pauses in awkward places and generally sounds odd. I try not to laugh.

Then she informs me she'll transfer me to a customer service rep (wait, is that not who I'm talking to right now?) who will complete my claim. This nice lady deflates and stomps on my spirits. Deflates by telling me that I will in fact recieve yet ANOTHER AT&T Tilt. Stomps on my spirits by telling me I'll need to submit a notarized affadavit, proof of purchase, copy of a photo ID and probably promise of my first born child, but I refused to continue listening to all that.

That evening I began pondering my options. Trying to get an affadavit notarized was not high on my priority list, so I was thinking of ways around it. I was also a bit flustered by needing to submit a proof of purchase. Hell, they sent me this one -- surely they know it's a legit deal over here. Not to mention, I continue thinking to myself, I've paid them $5/mo since November 2007 (I learned the hard way the importance of phone insurance)... the least they could do is accept my claim without all this extra.

I wake up the next morning 30 mins earlier than normal and it hits me (Jesus comes through in the clutch er'time) I had been planning to use my mom's upgrade for my own personal gain, so why not use it now? Sure, I won't get the (new) iPhone I want in June, but I can use this new phone to carry me and my gadget whore needs through till January when I can upgrade my own phone to an iPhone.

I get to work and immediately begin doing some quick research. I know what I need to about the old Blackberry and it was the other smartphone I was deciding between when I upgraded to the Tilt (I always err on the side of "originality" when I upgrade). The Blackberry 8310:



was my cheapest option with an upgrade. I didn't really want the red one, but hey -- what can you do when you're in a bind?

It'll be here tomorrow and I am very inpatiently awaiting it's arrival.

I Believe In You

One thing my weekly installments of this story I'm telling about my experiences with my ex probably won't delve too deeply into is my ex's drug use. He actually had a very serious addiction to a very bad drug. It caused a lot of problems in his life, between us and even in my life. In the end, when the extent and seriousness of his addiction finally became plain for everyone else (because I'd known it for a while) his parents shipped him cross country for drug rehab. At one point he asked me if I still believed in him. I didn't know how to answer, I'd never thought about it. He told me point blank that he didn't feel he had a reason to try if I no longer believed in him. That was the first time I ever considered what it might mean to believe in someone.

Right after she crossed, a friend of mine asked me if I was proud of her... I had trouble answering because I wasn't proud, but I wasn't disappointed. It was a decision she made for herself that I wasn't a part of which was absolutely fine, but with something like that, having no dog in the fight it was hard for me to answer that.

And then today, the BFF reads my status: At 22, I know how to make a person think I do believe them when I don't, but at 9 I thought (and, maybe rightly so) that you had to really believe someone to say you did and asks me does that rationale apply for saying you believe IN someone?

I told him I think that what's important to note is that when people ask if you believe in them, they most likely are doing so because they need reassurance. Like when your significant other asks if you love them, when they know you do. They need to hear you say yes and it's not something you should lie about.

I feel as if I do little things all the time, unintentionally mostly, to reaffirm for my friends that I do believe in them. I've always been taken aback by the question because I've never thought about the answer and I rarely think about the answer because it seems so obvious... of course I believe in you... why wouldn't I?

Don't Ya Know Me

This is part 2 of the episode, but in short, Lena's friends from back home come to visit and so ensues the epic "old friends" vs. "new friends."

What I was most struck by is what happens beginning at 3:59. This is the inevitable "you've changed" conversation that seems to happen when one person in a group takes such a divergent path (and going to college is VERY different from not going).

For me it has been slightly passive. None of my friends have come right out and said they think I've changed. Probably because many of them actually can appreciate, on some levels, my success this far. However, when I'm home and we're all hanging out I can hear it in how they choose the words they use carefully. They don't want to "sound stupid" they want to feel like we're on the same level despite the fact that I seem to intimidate them.

I can't change my educational background. In fact, I feel as if we are on the same level -- I have a degree, yes, but that hasn't changed who I am as a person, the person they decided to be friends with. Their (albeit perceived) intimidation sets me on edge and I go above and beyond attempting to set them at ease. My track record suggests that the only thing that accomplishes this is alcohol (or other substances that may or may not be legal.

My life is different from theirs, but that's to be expected as we get older and our circumstances all change. My friends who have children have life experiences, as of now, that I don't have. This lends them to a view of the world I don't have and I'm so interested in hearing what it is, unfortunately I don't always feel like they are interested in hearing mine...

Any of you experience this?

Series on Monday

This (never ending) story is true. Happened to me between 2002 and 2007.

Refresh yourself

Part 11

When JD and I spoke again he continued to apologize to me for what he had done. I was determined to do a better job of looking out for myself, so I secretly swore that I’d make JD work for it, if I was what he truly wanted.

As the end of my first year of college came near, I began advising JD on what he should do about his schooling situation. His parents had given him until July to decide whether to go back to my alma mater or stay at his new school. He had made a few friends at the new school, including, ironically, another boy who had been put out of our school, thanks to JD ratting him out. I told him that our school could offer him better college prep and more challenging classes than the school he was attending.

Ultimately, he chose to remain at his new school. I didn’t understand why because he told me he had gone to great lengths to avoid making friends in the event that he left. Overnight, he popped up with a new crew, namely two students, Lucy and Isaiah. If JD was out, he was with them. Getting him to answer the phone suddenly became next to impossible. This was in stark contrast to when I couldn’t get him to leave me alone.

As the summer progressed, I found myself once again drawn to the idea of our relationship getting serious. One day, JD drove the 2 hrs to my city to spend the day with me. At first, things were great. We saw a movie and had dinner. I’d met him at a public place and we’d driven in my car to the restaurant. While we ate, the subject of our future once again popped up. Our conversation took an awkward turn and I suggested we go back to my house to talk about things calmly.

Calm never happened. We argued all the way to my house. JD seemed to be upset with me for bringing the topic back up and his attacks put me on the defensive. Once at my house, JD demanded that I take him to his car. He wanted to leave and he didn’t want me to call him. He said he needed some time to think about what was going on.

I pretended like I was just as angry and just as ready for a break, but inside I was breaking. I didn’t want him to stop talking to me, I wanted us to work through it. I wanted us to find our common ground and I wanted us to begin the process of having the relationship I was so sure was in our future.

As soon as he got out of my car, I broke down. I could barely see as I drove home for all the tears.